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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be a bit hurt by this?

282 replies

RealhousewifeofEngland · 13/02/2017 09:46

It's a milestone birthday for me later this week. My marriage is in difficulty and as a consequence my birthday celebration this weekend didn't take place. I took my kids to my mums on Sunday. She is well aware of the situation. Not one mention was made of my birthday. When I left she gave me a present and said she was going to write out the card from my (fully grown adult) sibling as she hadn't done it. I told her not to bother as it was hardly a card from my sister if my mum had written it out.

So I left without so much as a have a nice birthday. And I feel quite hurt and a bit upset. My mum knows that I will spend the actual day alone with no celebration and no card from my kids (OH won't bother doing anything since we are "fighting"). Each year on my grown up sisters birthday my mum pays to take us out for lunch and does a cake at home. My sister still lives with my mum. We do the same for my mums birthday with my sister and I splitting the bill for lunch.

I didn't expect my mum to take me out ... but I did kind of hope that she might have got in a cake for me. Just a supermarket job nothing fancy. Just so that my birthday would be marked in some way at least. I wont see her now for weeks and I know the present she has got me is nothing special. Not that she should have but just in case I get responses about how she probably got me a wonderful gift or has a surprise for me. Going by past years I will get a text on the morning of my birthday and that's all.

AIBU?

Also my sister has been mentioning my mums milestone birthday later this year and how we should do something "big". I don't feel very inclined right now.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 15/02/2017 17:26

Happy Birthday real. Here's a little birthday tip from me. When I left my ex I also let him keep my family because they couldn't give a crap about me either. And I don't miss any of them at all. FlowersCake

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout · 15/02/2017 17:28

I haven't RTFT, but I'm going to. I just wanted to say

Happy birthday! I wish you all the things I wish for myself (that's a lot!!) and many happy returns

Cake Flowers Wine Gin Cake Flowers Wine Gin Cake Flowers Wine Gin

RealhousewifeofEngland · 15/02/2017 19:30

Thanks again for the birthday wishes and support!

The afternoon was strange. We spent it all together as a family and on several occasions I had to stop myself from either crying or sulking. My almost 4yro kept saying that we needed to get me a cake which 'D'H tried to brush off. He did eventually concede about 6pm and came back with a cake and some wilted flowers left over from valentines. I've spent the day with people texting to say they hope I'm being "spoiled rotten" which is both upsetting and embarrassing because I don't want to say that no actually I've not even had a present from my husband let alone been spoiled ( unless you count the things he was shamed into buying by a small child at the end of the day)

Kids are now in bed and I am about to polish off the bottle of prosecco I bought myself on Saturday when he cancelled my birthday dinner. It's his 40th later this year and I'm considering booking myself a weekend away that "accidentally" clashes.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/02/2017 19:34

I'm sorry you've had a bit of a rubbish day. I hope there were parts of it that were okay.

It's his 40th later this year and I'm considering booking myself a weekend away that "accidentally" clashes.

As tempting as that may be, I'd concentrate on breaking this off well before then. It sounds soulless and sad, and you deserve better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/02/2017 19:36

Weekend away sounds good. But do it for the right reasons. Not just tit for tat.

OopNorth · 15/02/2017 19:49

Happy birthday! Enjoy your Prosecco GinCakeWineFlowers

kittybiscuits · 15/02/2017 19:51

Feel free to let people know. 'As usual, no spoiling or special treatment. Hopefully the last birthday I'll spend like this' Wine

RealhousewifeofEngland · 15/02/2017 19:58

My DH does usually make more effort, it's my mum who never really does. I wouldn't be this upset if I had anticipated such a letdown from him. In fact he has talked about my 40th a lot over the past few months and what did I want to do etc.

Anyway I'm out with friends on Friday night for a birthday meal and another friend and I are hatching a plan to go away for a few nights. So my milestone won't go completely unmarked.

OP posts:
bunnylove99 · 15/02/2017 20:10

Happy birthday to you Real housewife. I know today has been disappointing. I hope next year's 31st/41st or whatever is fab for you and you can look back on the year and be pleased things turned around for the better. Flowers

bunnylove99 · 15/02/2017 20:10

Ah, it was 40. Enjoy Friday.

GloGirl · 15/02/2017 20:22

I hope when you go away with friends it's the weekend he's 40!

Enjoy your Prosecco Wine are you going to watch a film or some TV tonight?

Note3 · 15/02/2017 20:32

Glad your day was better than it could have been OP. Having had bitterly shit birthdays the past few years where no one including my DH has got me a single thing because 'they didn't get a chance' I have now given up on birthdays for me. I also have tailored what I write to others as like you I got msgs about being spoilt rotten and it was utterly shit as I didn't even get a verbal 'happy birthday' as the door closed behind him on his way to work. I now just wish people happy birthday in msgs as I don't want anyone else to feel how I did so I figure not 'hoping they're having a wonderful day' I'd the best way to do this!

Happy birthday OP Cake Flowers enjoy your prosecco Wine

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 15/02/2017 20:46

i think you should be honest when people ask if you've been spoilt rotten. Reply 'sadly not. There were lots of nice ideas but nothing materialised'

kiwigeekmum · 15/02/2017 21:55

Happy Birthday!! Flowers Cake

Sorry you've been so let-down by 'D'H, Mum & Sis.

I'm glad your day was salvaged some-what, even if it wasn't as joyful as it should be. (Glad your DS has your back even at his age).

I agree with PP, treat yourself to something nice and I hope you have a fantastic time celebrating with your friends this weekend!

IME adult birthdays can absolutely be celebrated, but you usually have to organise it yourself. Some people need you to spell it out for them. "It's my birthday next week, how about we all go out for dinner? I'll book at xyz for 7pm." or somesuch.

No reason why you can't have a "do-over" of your milestone birthday next year!! I know it's not technically the magic age, but don't get hung up on that, and you've got a year to plan something fantastic!

Bestthingever · 15/02/2017 23:00

I just read the part where your eldest had saved you something from a party bag. That's priceless. It reminded me of when my ds made me a paper flower on mothers day because 'daddy wouldn't take us to buy some'. It was one of the loveliest presents I've received.

Tracey300884 · 16/02/2017 00:58

Ah I see User148 is at it again....

user1484226561 · 16/02/2017 01:30

Presumably you get no cards, no presents, no cake, no acknowledgement on your birthday, and are quite happy with that then??

yes, perfectly happy, thank you. why wouldn't I be, I am an adult!!

but if you choose to celebrate it, fine, it just seems a shame to get upset about it, when it isn't anything really.

Happy birthday op.

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/02/2017 02:04

It just seems a shame to get upset about it, when it isn't anything really

Why? Because you said so? Your 'pronouncements' are just your opinion. They carry no weight.

How twatty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/02/2017 06:19

Agreed Parasite

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 16/02/2017 06:38

Is this user148 as in £50 buffet Chester social worker user?

user1484226561 · 16/02/2017 07:20

ok, fine, get as upset about it as you want!

user1484226561 · 16/02/2017 07:24

The OP asked if it was unreasonble to feel upset. i was trying to cheer her up a bit by pointing out that it really doesn't matter at ll, birthdays are of no consequence at all to adults, unless you choose to make them matter. Fine if you enjoy them, but why get upset about them?

personally, have not celebrated a birthday since 16, although I did in fact have a "double 18 birthday" at 36, because friends insisted, as I'd never had an 18th birthday, which was nice, and I appreciated it, but I've never been remotely concerned about not celebrating birthdays as an adult, certainly not something I would have expectations about, or shed a tear over, or even waste a thought over.

Cherrysoup · 16/02/2017 09:35

He told you what he would have bought had you not been fighting? What a twat. He's deliberately failed to buy you anything and made it a miserable day, tosser.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/02/2017 10:34

user...561 I think it was more than just the birthday that was at the heart of this.

RealhousewifeofEngland · 16/02/2017 10:36

Yes he is a twat. He has proven himself to be an utter wanker this morning.

Asked me why I was only giving one word answers to his texts and then expressed surprise when I said it was because I'm feeling down about being asked at work whether I had a lovely birthday. He actually replied "didn't you?"!!!!

That is how oblivious he has become! He is now accusing me of "using" him for my birthday and says I am not being compassionate about his "difficult time". Which comprises of him socialising whenever the hell he fancies and pretending to be stuck at work when he is actually in the pub.

And to think I started this thread about my mother! 🙄

OP posts:
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