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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit hurt by this?

282 replies

RealhousewifeofEngland · 13/02/2017 09:46

It's a milestone birthday for me later this week. My marriage is in difficulty and as a consequence my birthday celebration this weekend didn't take place. I took my kids to my mums on Sunday. She is well aware of the situation. Not one mention was made of my birthday. When I left she gave me a present and said she was going to write out the card from my (fully grown adult) sibling as she hadn't done it. I told her not to bother as it was hardly a card from my sister if my mum had written it out.

So I left without so much as a have a nice birthday. And I feel quite hurt and a bit upset. My mum knows that I will spend the actual day alone with no celebration and no card from my kids (OH won't bother doing anything since we are "fighting"). Each year on my grown up sisters birthday my mum pays to take us out for lunch and does a cake at home. My sister still lives with my mum. We do the same for my mums birthday with my sister and I splitting the bill for lunch.

I didn't expect my mum to take me out ... but I did kind of hope that she might have got in a cake for me. Just a supermarket job nothing fancy. Just so that my birthday would be marked in some way at least. I wont see her now for weeks and I know the present she has got me is nothing special. Not that she should have but just in case I get responses about how she probably got me a wonderful gift or has a surprise for me. Going by past years I will get a text on the morning of my birthday and that's all.

AIBU?

Also my sister has been mentioning my mums milestone birthday later this year and how we should do something "big". I don't feel very inclined right now.

OP posts:
Babyblade · 16/02/2017 14:45

You sound thoroughly fed up and rightly so - hope you have a great time with your friends at the weekend - sounds like you need them now more than ever.

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 16/02/2017 14:59

realhousewife - sounds like 'D'H is being an arse and the fact things aren't great between you has thrown a light on your relationship with your Mum and Sis (does your Mum always put your Sis first over you or is it just birthdays where she makes an effort for your Sister and not you?). It's really hard if you feel that no-one puts you first, although your DC sound lovely. I had a similar birthday this year - focus on your lovely DC and spoil yourself rotten for the next few weeks. My birthday was weeks ago and I'm still treating myself to chocolate daily.

What did you decide to do about your Mum's birthday?

Shona52 · 16/02/2017 18:00

OP this is heartbreaking 💔 Can't imagine how you might st be feeling. Can you grab a friend and do something nice with them. I will be sending you birthday 🎉 wishes your way on Wednesday. Go and buy a lovely bottle of bubbly
and spoil yourself in someway.

As for you mum n sister I agree with others. Next time someone brings up birthdays say you thought we were t doing bday anymore seeing as mine was pasted over (or speak to your mum. Maybe because your sister still lives with her she's holding onto the child side of your sister and just doesn't see that you still need it too)

GoodEnough1 · 16/02/2017 18:11

You should take your kids to buy you a present even if only a bar of chocolate and a card - otherwise you are setting them up for bad habits wrt your birthday, they will think it's ok to not bother. It's important to make something of family birthdays and YA NOT BU at all. HAPPY BIRTHDAY 😊

cherish123 · 16/02/2017 18:21

YANBU. Happy birthday 🎉.

MrsCabernetSauvignon · 16/02/2017 18:23

OP wanna come to mine and we'll go out for tea and cocktails? Feel for you...YANBU! What a load is selfish, insensitive people. Hope you make the day your own and do something for yourself! Happy Birthday 🍾🍾🍰🍰🎉🎉🎁🎁

Sonjae · 16/02/2017 18:46

I hope you have a lovely birthday. My family treat me equally as unimportant as yours do you. Yes it hurts. They haven't visited me in 3 years and constantly tell me (when I make a monthly visit to them) what my siblings are up to and about my nephews and nieces. That really hurts as they never ask about my boys and what they are doing. I mentally tune myself out now. You are important and remember that you can choose your friends but not your family 😔

AnnieNeedsAMacBook · 16/02/2017 18:47

Blimey - it was my birthday too!

Why are you still with this enormous tosspot?

Shesaid · 16/02/2017 18:59

If it's a significant birthday, then accept it as a turning point. This is the low and in the next decade things are going to be better. Do a special ceremony of some sort - if you can't think of one, google it! - in which you say good bye to bathos, and second best relationships.

Then re-imagine your life - in as much wonderful detail as you can. Re-birth yourself as the person you were always supposed to be with all the love you deserve.

I've had to do this before and it can be more special than any present or party - you get back in charge of your life.

littlefrog3 · 16/02/2017 19:04

Awww I am so sorry for you OP. I do hope the next birthday is much better. And FWIW, I don't think birthdays are only for children (as someone said earlier in the thread!) I love birthdays and Valentine's too, and DH always makes a massive fuss of me, and to hell what anyone else thinks.

All the best. Smile

Picoloangel · 16/02/2017 19:26

No, YANBU at all. Very hurtful behaviour by your mother, sister and OH.

Your post made for very sad reading. I would book yourself in for a treat - food, beauty, hair or whatever and treat yourself to a nice lunch and something lovely.

Comfort yourself with the thought that you will never treat your DCs this way because you clearly won't.

Happy Bilrthday Cake FlowersWine

Original poster
RealhousewifeofEngland · 16/02/2017 19:50

Thanks everyone!
My birthday has been and gone now and still nothing from OH. But I'm going out with friends for a birthday dinner tomorrow and have booked myself in to the salon for beauty treatments on Saturday. I also seem to have spent a ton of money on makeup today to make me feel better about my new decade! I will wear my new outfit tomorrow that I bought to wear for dinner with OH that he cancelled.

Someone asked about my mums birthday - it's still a few months away but she will get a card and normal gift and no more. I won't be taking her for a spa day or fancy afternoon tea now. It's a shame because I would love to do those kind of nice things for her but I don't want to end up feeling like a mug.

OP posts:
Tiger44 · 16/02/2017 20:01

Sorry you have had such a shit time real but hope you have fun with your friends. I wouldn't decide not to do something for your mum. Can't you just tell her how you feel instead of agonising over it and then doing a tit for tat thing? Like you say, you would love to treat your mum, so that is giving you enjoyment too. Not doing something is just prolonging this resentment. I would really recommend talking to her and you sis about how you feel. X

SherbrookeFosterer · 16/02/2017 20:02

Be strong.

I am sure you will have happier birthdays in the future.

: )

Honeybee79 · 16/02/2017 20:07

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I have missed something key.

Yanbu. It's really, really hurtful. You need to take the initiative though. As others have said, do something nice for yourself as you clearly can't rely on others to do it. Even if it's just something small - eg buy yourself some pretty flowers - it will make you feel better. Or a nice walk and lunch out with a mate etc.

ChasedByBees · 16/02/2017 20:22

He was an arsehole to describe the things he would have done had you not fallen out. It adds insult to injury to the actual not getting you anything. Why not ditch him by the time of his birthday?

As for your mum and DSis, could you not say to them that you were hurt they let your birthday pass so unmarked when there's such a fuss over theirs?

car5ys · 16/02/2017 22:16

I haven't read all the posts just your op and I know how you feel. My oh is a thoughtless twat and on my last significant birthday nothing was do e because we argued over inviting/not inviting kids to a party I was hoping to organise (for myself as no one else would bother). In the end I gave up and went without. My last birthday he didn't get me a card or gift but my grown up kids did and !Y lovely friends. He had a significant birthday this year and I have booked a holiday and am taking my DD. My DS said that I shouldn't go as "it's dads special birthday" so I just said well he can celebrate his same as mine. Next year is my next significant birthday and also one for my DD do we are planning a trip to NY. I think you have every right to be upset and I just wish I had the courage to get rid of my miserable selfish OH. Xx

Leanin15yearsmaybe · 16/02/2017 22:22

Happy belated birthday Flowers Wine Cake Gin and have a Football Bear from my DC's too!!
(There is only us, so I always get one of their toys/books wrapped in a roll and a half of sellotape kids wrapping paper!)

Jenniferb21 · 16/02/2017 22:24

YANBU if it were me I'd say to my mum I'm upset about it. It's a milestone DH won't be celebrating with me and I feel really lonely.

Say you would have really appreciated a lunch out or cake like you usually do for your sister or your mum.

samqueens · 16/02/2017 23:10

YANBU at all - I'm so sorry you're having a tough time.

I don't know how old your DCs are but, even if they are little, if they're old enough to understand that their own birthdays come with cake and presents etc I think it would be lovely for them (and you) to have some candles to blow out on your birthday!

I'm a single parent and it can be disheartening not to have another grown up to make a fuss of me on special days, but when my DD was little i used to just make a sponge (or buy one) on my birthday and she helped me blow out the candles. Sometimes she'd make me a card as well (under my supervision).

Maybe it sounds a bit selfish to make your DC do birthday celebrations with you like this, but I think it's a nice way to show how we celebrate everyone's birthday not just DD's - and she always enjoyed having the cake element regardless! Now she's a bit older she's really thoughtful about my birthday and mothers day etc which is so lovely.

I have very happy memories of those little celebrations even DD doesn't remember them!

BellaMaroni · 17/02/2017 08:30

Belated birthday wishes, OP Flowers

Hope you have the most fantastic time with your friends, you deserve it! Wine

Thingamajiggy · 17/02/2017 09:18

I can never understand why people come here to ask whether they should be hurt without airing things with the family? You're hurt and rightly so but why have you not asked your Mum and sister why they didn't see fit to make you feel special on your birthday? Strangers cannot answer this for you. You need to ask the people who have upset you WHY they have done this.

BathshebaDarkstone · 17/02/2017 09:23

Do what I do. Buy yourself a nice present and take your DC out for lunch.

YANBU. WineCake

BathshebaDarkstone · 17/02/2017 09:23

Do what I do. Buy yourself a nice present and take your DC out for lunch.

YANBU. WineCake

mumindoghouse · 17/02/2017 20:49

Big birthday hug for you. Girl's spa weekend with your friends, cake and bubbles?