To ask how your dh/dp would have reacted in this situation?

[whirlygirly]

Bit of relevant background- I drive, dp doesn't - that's not a situation we can change unfortunately. The impact is that transport arrangements are entirely covered by me. I regularly drop him and dcs off and pick them up at convenient spots for them then go off to park the car. I cover all long distance family visits, airport runs, school runs and clubs etc.

Anyway, Dp has membership to an event which happens most weekends. He usually goes alone as it's in a city about an hour away but it's good fun to watch so occasionally I go along with the dcs.

Today I'd booked event and train tickets not realising the trains weren't running so it was a replacement bus service. It took no longer but was cramped and uncomfortable- none of us got to sit together.

Anyway at the event while dp was off somewhere we bumped into friends who offered me and dcs a lift home - but they only had 3 spare seats. We could either go straight with them or wait 1hr 30 for the bus home and then walk 25 mins back from the station. It was freezing so we accepted. I didn't think dp would mind too much as I would then meet him at the station. He did mind. It turned into an awkward and horrible situation in front of other people.

I know in isolation I sound selfish and perhaps should have said no but then we'd all still be walking home in the rain now rather than the dcs being fed and in bed. Honestly, this is an utter one off, I can count the number of times I've had a lift with anyone else in the past year on my fingers. I'm a bit disappointed dp couldn't see this and just go with it for once to make my life easier.

Sorry this has got long - Aibu??

I think the reaction would have been completely difference if you had asked him about it first, even a quick text saying we've been offered a lift back, would you mind? It's just polite and considerate, I think I would have felt quite sad and annoyed too.

DH wouldn't have minded at all. Sometimes if we get a taxi on a night out when we have had a drink he will suggest I get a taxi with the kids and he walks home (one has to walk or we can't fit in)

I admit that if it was the other way around I would be a little bit put out about not being asked first. It would have been nice if you had asked him but considering you are his personal taxi I think he has a cheek making a big deal out of this.

Pallisers

Of course we move in formation. We're a family of ducks really, hence the user nickname. I felt posting on here would be far to outing to our other duck mates! I shall now NC to Donald and family!

I read the OP as sometimes the family tag along and then at the first opportunity dumped him for a comfier lift home!

DH would have insisted we took the lift

I would have talked to DH first but he would have told me to take the lift and enjoyed his quiet journey home.

Two significant factors here in the which adult takes the lift debate are:

The OP drives so could pick up her DP from that station, he can't return this favour.
The kids are the OPs. Depending on circumstances it may be that the kids would not settle or behave for the DP if he was alone with them.

Kids on a horrible two hour journey. Why would you do that if it could be avoided? Simple you wouldn't unless you were a selfish ass.

Also not changing his driving circumstances doesn't necessarily mean he is banned ffs. He could have a medical condition like epilepsy or sleep apnea and not be allowed to drive on medical grounds.

YABU. It's one thing to accept a lift with the DCs, but it's really rude to present your DH with this change of plan without at least a discussion. As someone else has said, if it was your DH who did this, he'd get hung out to dry by MumsNet. You owe him an apology.

I wouldn't dream of doing this without discussion. Nor would my DH.

my ex would have been sulky over a situation like this. It was around him effectively not being the centre of attention. I dont mean he was the life and soul of the event - he wasnt by any means. But he would take umbrage at anyrthing that didnt put him first. I now believe he is a narcissist - they put themselves at the centre and only think of them. It is quite shocking when you realise that someone you love actually has been fronting a cover for some time. Do think long and hard about whether you have seen this before. I had and had ignored the red flags.

My husband would have insisted we accept the lift. Also, we have a big car and sometimes have 2-3 extra seat spaces, we quite often take part of a family home with an impromptu lift, usually the mum and youngest kid/s. Particularly if it's cold and rainy.

When he pulled you up about it, what exactly was his issue?

Was it actually that he begrudged you and the kids getting the lift without him (unreasonable) or that you all ditched him for a better offer without telling him first (reasonable)?

Any decent person would have insisted that you took the lift, and been pleased that you had been offered one.

I'm pretty sure that even my dh would say get the lift if it's on offer. If it were offered right now and he was sitting miles away, then I'm not sure I'd even ask him before accepting, though I'd certainly let him know.

He goes there and back on his own every week anyway, so it's no great shakes him doing so this week, too.

Did he have some exciting plan for what you'd all be doing after the event, like he was going to take you all out to dinner or something?

My dh would've shoved me and the DC in the car without a second thought and then would have power walked home while I put the DC to bed and made dinner. He wouldn't have blinked with such a handy solution for me.

Was it out of character for him? Did he just have an irrational moment that can happen to us all & later apologised? Or did you subconsciously know he'd react like that? If it's in keeping with his usual behaviour then it's not a great reflection of his character. Like most of the others my hubby would just be happy that there was an easier way for me & the kids to get home.

Ah, yes, reading between the lines it seems that he has been banned from driving. As he is a black belt in martial arts and competes, it's unlikely he has a physical disability.

Not necessarily. Here if you have epilepsy, you have to be seizure-free for three years before you can get a driver's license. He could have one seizure a year, for instance, but otherwise be ok, and not be able to get a license.

I maintain my original position; it was not unreasonable to accept the lift, but you were unreasonable not to discuss it with him, or mention it first. Did you at least text him and tell him what was going on?

I wonder if he has issues sound not driving and felt a bit embarrassed?

I may be part of the 'sexist undercurrent'. But I have to say if there is unpleasantness/discomfort/effort/danger (obviously not much here) involved DH would ALWAYS insist that it is him that has it rather than myself or the kids.

He is the perfect modern man with the crazy feminist wife, but I wouldn't have needed to check with him before accepting because I know for sure he would insist on our comfort before his.

Obviously at the other end I would have sorted kids/dinner and then came and collected from station so a win win all round is how we would have seen it.

I would have checked then DH would have been100% fine but not checking is rude IMO.

This is really sad. I asked my dh and he said of course he'd be thrilled that the kids (and me) would get an easier journey back.

Your husband sounds like he's putting himself and his feelings before your children which would upset me to be honest.

Depends what he's like normally. Anyone can have a bad day or there could be other stuff going on that affected his reaction. Maybe there was something about it that pushed some button for him in the bigger picture of your relationship we don't know about. So the question is is he like this a lot.

Everyone behaves like an arsehole sometimes. Was it just his turn it is there more to it.

I'm 100% sure that my DH would have wanted me and dd to get a lift home in those circumstances. He'd have been pleased for us, and grateful for the offer of a lift back from the station

It's was a very "I'm alright jack" thing of you to do tbh.
You got offered a lift for you and the kids, and you accepted before even talking to your dp. Presumably when he goes alone he gets the train, not the uncomfortable cramped bus, which would be just as bad for him as it would for you. Not to mention waiting alone in the dark in the cold and rain will be a lot more miserable on his own than with his family there to talk to/hang about with etc.
You showed no consideration for him at all when accepting the lift and leaving him behind on his own. You come across as because it's primarily "his" thing you were there for, he was the one that it was "ok" for to suffer in the miserable weather so didn't even ask him first if he minded.

Whilst of course i would have happily agreed to my partner and the kids getting the lift had i been consulted/involved in the conversation when the offer was made, i'd feel really put out and find it really inconsiderate that it was accepted with no prior mention to me and i was just being told "Oh, you're waiting for a cramped and uncomfortable bus in the cold and rain for 90 minutes on your own, we're getting a lift".

It was really rude and inconsiderate of you to just assume he'd be ok with it, there is a massive difference between asking someone if they are ok with a plan, or telling them "this is what's happening". The anger and upset comes from not being consulted or considered, not that they would have objected to it. Had you checked it was ok with him before accepting i'm sure he would have been perfectly fine with it.
If i were ever out with my OH (kids not on the table) even if it was absolutely peeing it down, freezing, blowing a gale etc i'd never accept a lift and leave my partner alone in it. In your position i probably would have said thankyou but no thankyou, and travelled home same way we got there.

YANBU - the children should come first surely. They couldn't have got a lift alone.

Jill - so the children should suffer in the cold/rain just because there wasn't room for him in the car?!

What the fuck is wrong with the people who think kids should hang about in the rain and cold to make a grown man feel better? And how would it make him feel better? It would make me feel worse to know they were uncomfortable.

And all this asking first shite!? Really? "Thanks for the offer of a lift. I just have to ask my petulant selfish boyfriend if me and kids are allowed." Yeah. Fuck that.

Sadly, I do think his response would have been less selfish if your DC were his.

Having to ask him first in this situation, with rain and kids in the mix, isn't a matter of courtesy, it's saying that your judgment cannot be trusted and you need to consult him before making a decision.