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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 13/02/2017 10:40

Surely it basically all adds up to her not feeling welcome.

He didnt try to ensure she could get some sleep by keeping noise down.

He has nothing set up fir her to do so she's bored.

He wont even sit with her fir breakfast

And she's cold

As "small" as that may seem to some people it all adds up to her feeling unwelcome and unimportant.

The fact his solution was to tell you to pack another jumper rather than adjust his actions to ensure she was comfortable says it all really.

Cigarettes are what? 6/7 pounds. Even 4 packets a week adds up to 24/28 quid. That's more than some heating fir a day or two would cost. Plus if he actually put it on it wouldn't take so long or need to be on as long to keep it comfortable.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 10:46

I'm sure she has! Maybe it's too cosy. Maybe it irritates her that I can be arsed to get up and make her breakfast. Maybe she hates the fact I don't put the tv up full blast, so she can sleep....Who knows!

Ffs, I am NOT perfect, but why are some of you giving me a hard time for wanting my DD to be looked after properly?! Not wanting her to be spoilt. Not wanting her to be given the moon on a stick. Just expecting her to be warm enough, feel welcome and wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 10:48

^ @ Spartacus

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 10:50

largepinot

How do you know the TV is too loud?
How do you know it's too cold?

I agree there's a balance - DS is often too warm at my house (he says) because ex's house is colder. He complains to ex that my house is too warm.

Latte35 · 13/02/2017 10:51

The issue seems to be that your DD is struggling with feeling settled at her Dads. It's a really positive thing that she is discussing it with you and you are trying your best to help her.

Can you, her Dad and your DD find neutral territory somewhere and have a blame-free discussion of what will help her feel comfortable and safe when she's at her Dads? Does she have to sleep over? Are there alternatives?

Mischa123 · 13/02/2017 10:54

I must be the devil incarnate. I have a 7 year old (as well as 2 older) and I never get up before they have got their breakfast, they are more than capable of getting a bowl of cereal and pancakes etc. At 10 it is completely reasonable to get your own breakfast

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 10:58

and have a blame-free discussion

I think that's important - it's so easy to get defensive when your parenting is being criticised - I would hope he wants to have a positive experience as well.

She may think she's cold - he may think it's ok and she should put some warmer clothes on.

She may want breakfast - he may think she is old enough to make her own breakfast.

The complaints may just be a symptom of being bored - it must be hard for a child to spend time in a place where they don't feel settled and her father may just not know what to do about it.

God knows I find it hard enough trying to 'spend time with DS' when all he wants to do is watch YouTube and play video games.

But a neutral conversation is needed - with reflective listening?

Parenting when separated is very hard. The parents probably have different attitudes to parenting.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:06

I know it was too cold because it was freezing yesterday and he didn't have the heating on. Simple. Also, he even said himself it was really cold. She had her winter coat, gloves and scarf with her. Perhaps I should have told her to stick those on and get on with it. Fun times.

Latte, yep. I have tried so many times to be civil with him. I have told him time and time again that right now, he's still daddy,but one day she'll realise things aren't right and he'll be punished by her resentment and perhaps reluctance to see him at all. I don't want that for either of them, because it could actually easily be avoided.

Mischa, would you get up for your 7 year old to make them breakfast, if you hadn't seen them for a fortnight?..

People who keep saying a 10 year old is capable, of course they are! Bowl is in the cupboard, pour cereal in, add milk, get spoon and eat. Easy. But that's not the point. He hadn't seen her for 2 weeks!

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 13/02/2017 11:07

I just gather that the OP picks at him a lot. Nothing is good enough. And her dd is now doing the same. Encouraged by OP

Do people just make up stuff to fit their agenda?

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 11:10

I have told him time and time again that right now, he's still daddy,but one day she'll realise things aren't right and he'll be punished by her resentment and perhaps reluctance to see him at all. I don't want that for either of them, because it could actually easily be avoided

How does he react to her concerns when you've raised them?
How do you think you raise them?

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:14

Bubbles, I have been thinking the same thing. That comment, in particular, was completely unfair and based on nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:17

Spartacus, depends what mood he's in tbh. Sometimes he's upset and agrees he could do more, other times he's very defensive and aggressive.

OP posts:
paxillin · 13/02/2017 11:17

I can be arsed to get up and make her breakfast.

That's a bit combative. I want kids aged 4 to pour their own cereal, aged 6 to make and butter toast and at 10 they can fry an egg and boil a kettle. I could call this "I can be arsed to teach them everyday skills". You and your Ex disagree on this, this can be a positive for your dd, she learns to be self reliant with him and gets pampered at yours. All lovely.

He should get her some warm enough indoor clothes to be kept at his if he prefers his house so much colder than most.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 11:17

You seem very defensive to comments- and that's natural.
I suspect your ex will be very defensive to comments too.

If people are always being defensive, they can't work together. It is hard to get past being defensive and to work together. Maybe some people on here who are in similar situations can offer their experiences and advice?

Camelopardtoes · 13/02/2017 11:19

I agree with others who think you are just trying to find fault and your DD is picking up on this trend.

I don't think your EX should have to spring out of bed at 7:30 on a weekend to entertain a 10year old, regardless of whether he hasn't seen her or not, presumably they were going to spend the day together once he was awake. She is an early riser, not really his fault. She can get her own breakfast and doesn't need him to do that for her.

The heat thing is totally subjective. I would hazard the heat clicks on at set times, 7:30 on a weekend when EX is in bed is probably not one of those times. She should bundle up a little warmer or take a nice hot shower. Phoning you in a state over the heat at that age is ridiculous and I don't think you are doing her any favours by pandering to it.

He also may have money issues re heating since he's had to buy a bigger house to accommodate the princess child.

GarrulousGrimoire · 13/02/2017 11:22

Id be more concerned about the dogs, how big and what breed?

I'll get shot down no doubt but she's barely there so they won't "know" her and he doesn't sound the type to spend a lot of time training or walking them...

If stop her going on that basis tbh.

stitchglitched · 13/02/2017 11:24

I don't think anyone on this thread would say he is Dad of the year. But he doesn't have to be, nor does he have to 'prove' to you that he is up to your standards. Being the NRP doesn't make him an optional parent who has to jump through hoops just to show that he is good enough to see his own child. He is allowed to parent as he sees fit barring any safeguarding issues. I do think you need to disengage a little bit. She is 10 so is capable of voicing her concerns to her Dad if need be. The lack of heating is shit but not a reason to stop contact unless you think children should be removed from loving homes where parents can't afford to put the heating on.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:27

pax, I have taught her these skills. She can make her own breakfast and she does, but (can't believe I'm saying this again!) if I hadn't seen her in that long, I would make it for her...as a treat.

Camel, I have said so many times now, that I wouldn't expect him to get up at that time!

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 13/02/2017 11:28

YADNBU OP

NRP should have been up at 4am, making fresh bread for toast, squeezing oranges for juice. The house should be kept at a constant 20 degrees just incase your daughter feels even remotely uncomfortable. He should also be ready to move again you never know maybe this house isnt good enough either and he needs to make sure that DD is entaertained in a fulfilling way not just DVDs Everyone else should walk around on tip toes and tv should be off as soon as your DD goes to bed, and his fiance needs to bugger off too with her loud voice and rehome the dogs when DD visits. Also no booze and alcohol whether he has had work or not, it is most definately not his decision how he spends his money

Confused
Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:28

stich, he can afford it

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:31

Just, wow.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 13/02/2017 11:31

'If I hadn't seen her in that long, I would make it for her....as a treat'

I would too, and so would many others on this thread no doubt. But he didn't and there isn't anything you can do about that because he doesn't have to do what you think he should.

stitchglitched · 13/02/2017 11:33

It is still his decision. He isn't abusing her, he is just a bit lazy and boring. They are not grounds to stop contact or make seeing her Dad an option.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:33

.....that's exactly what I expect Hmm

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 11:35

it is most definately not his decision how he spends his money

That's what MN policy is when the NRP asks how maintenance is being spent in the RP's house..