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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 11:37

stitch, if the title of this thread was AIBU to consider NC between my DD and her dad because the heating wasn't on, I'd understand your point more. I never said I was considering anything so drastic.

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 11:40

I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm

In retrospect, do you think you ALL could have handled that differently?
Children pick up on these things - and that affects their 'security'.

Flipthebirdy · 13/02/2017 11:42

YANBU
Did she tell her dad how she felt? What was his response? Surely he didn't say to her tell your mum to pack you a jumper next time??
I expect that if she wasn't happy there it would have been quite obvious to him and he would have asked her what was wrong. Maybe he did but just doesn't like the feeling of having to answer to you.

stitchglitched · 13/02/2017 11:43

So you didn't ask her if she wanted to stay another night when she phoned you, making her see it as optional?

My point is still relevant as it is about letting him parent as he sees fit. I know from experience how hard it can be to have to pack your child off every fortnight and relinquish control over how they are parented but that is what you need to do. She will vote with her feet when she is old enough.

llangennith · 13/02/2017 11:44

At 10 years old you DD is old enough to decide for herself whether or not she wants to stay the night at your Ex's. If she doesn't want to go don't make her. No court or social services would make a child over 10 see a parent if they don't want to.

peggyundercrackers · 13/02/2017 11:44

I have told him time and time again

I'm sure he finds you a joy...

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 11:45

No court or social services would make a child over 10 see a parent if they don't want to

Unless they were the RP. Then they have no choice but to see the parent as it's their home.

stitchglitched · 13/02/2017 11:48

'No court or social services would make a child over 10 see a parent if they don't want to.'

I'm not sure that's true, is it? Especially in light of the new legislation which states an assumption of contact. Are you saying that no 10 year olds are ever subject to contact orders against their wishes?

peggyundercrackers · 13/02/2017 11:52

No court or social services would make a child over 10 see a parent if they don't want to

thats definitely not the case where I live I can assure you, been there got the t shirt.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 12:07

peggy, I'm sure he does ... Jeez, some of these comments are beyond me! I don't really care if he finds my comments joyful or not. If I don't feel he is taking care of our DD properly, then I will say.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 13/02/2017 12:09

YADNBU OP. I feel for your DD. She is getting mixed messages from her Dad, who appears to want her to be part of his life, but who also isn't really welcoming to her. She must be awfully confused. This is kind of foundational to the other issues (the loud TV, the not being there at breakfast for her, refusing to put the heating on). It's almost like those people who want a cute little puppy for entertainment but who don't want to change its litter or take it for walks. Frankly, in her shoes, I'd rather be home in my own bed, in my own room, with my own toys and looking forward to a day with a parent who cared, or with friends or suchlike. From a purely utilitarian viewpoint, what the fuck is she getting out of visits to Daddy? Not a lot. Like you said, one day she will vote with her feet and that will be sad for both of them (but utterly his fault). For the record, you sound completely reasonable and caring.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 12:12

I don't really care if he finds my comments joyful or not. If I don't feel he is taking care of our DD properly, then I will say

Do you think the way you discuss this with him is going to help your DD have a relationship with him in the future?

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 12:17

Also, camel, "the princess child" ? Angry Really?! For the last time, he DOES have enough money, so that's not the issue!

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 12:22

largepinot

If your ex criticised you for some aspect of your parenting after your DD complained to him via phone from your house, do you think that might be difficult to discuss IF you weren't in the house face to face to discuss it?

llangennith · 13/02/2017 12:30

In my experience, if you get Social services involved they will talk to the child and take her/his wishes into consideration. Really, you cannot force a child of 10 to see someone they don't want to. Apart from using physical force.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 12:33

Really, you cannot force a child of 10 to see someone they don't want to

How does that work if a child ONLY lives with 2 parents who they don't want to see?

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2017 12:40

When you call him don't mention the breakfast issue. I've found that if you give someone a chocie of issues they'll zero in on the easiest one for them.

Was he actually awake at 7:30am on Sunday? Personally, I sleep in till about 10am on a Sunday and I won't know if the DCs are up unless one of them comes in to my room!

But it's ridiculous for people to defend him not putting the heating on. It's been bitterly cold. I'd not allow her to go back until it gets milder if saving money on heating is his priority.

Fragglerock75 · 13/02/2017 13:01

OP I can't believe some of the responses that you have been getting. I'm not one to give the kids special snowflake treatment but it seems deliberately obtuse not to see how the situation at her Dad's wasn't pleasant for your daughter. I can't imagine how I would have navigated it at her age. Sounds like you are doing your best to make things work - not sure if there are any activities that your ex and daughter would enjoy together or how any suggestions from you would e taken. Maybe she could ask him to do something specific together to build up their relationship??

EllenJanethickerknickers · 13/02/2017 13:24

OP, if your ex has to 'treat' his DD EOW, that wouldnt be right either, would it? It's her other home, it should just be normal. Maybe warmer, yes, but if he has to 'treat' her every time he sees her he'd be a Disney dad.

Lemonylemon · 13/02/2017 13:40

OP YANBU. It's a different matter when they don't see the NRP for 2 weeks.

holidaysaregreat · 13/02/2017 14:41

YANBU and I can't believe how nasty people are being to you. I'm obviously in a minority to think that it is normal to get up and check kids are OK and then go back to bed for a longer nap/read MN in bed. I would also check heating had come on - and even if it was only on for half hour or so to take the chill. If I couldn't afford heating then I would provide a cosy blanket and perhaps a hot water bottle. I think a lot of people would whether they saw DD every day or just alternate weekends.
If she had been going to the same house for years and felt relaxed then it would be different, but that isn't the case.
I would be more concerned about the dogs and also wondering why she didn't want to stay there.
As an adult if you were given the option of staying in a cold house with no company, not much to do, 2 massive smelly dogs, no offer of food or drink - or staying home which is cosy and familiar and a nice breakfast on offer I know which I would choose.
Why do people think it's OK for kids to put up with this just because a parent is entitled to access? As a grown up you would just think wtf I'm off home.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/02/2017 14:57

Why do people think it's OK for kids to put up with this just because a parent is entitled to access? As a grown up you would just think wtf I'm off home

Well said. There are actually people on another thread defending a parebts choice to go out and get smashed and dump his kid on a family member because 27 other days of the month when he doesn't have the kid isn't enough and his rights to parent how he sees fit eclipse the right of the child to he looked after by someone who isn't still pissed or hugging a toilet bowl all day.

Only on MN would acting like a complete shit somehow be the kids fault fir expecting too much or the other parents fault for being too demanding.

Sassenach85 · 13/02/2017 15:07

Here here

What a load of fucking shit

This is why I would never ask for opinions on here

OP you sound like you are on the ball and for the life of me I cannot see how so many people are on your case

Reading shit like this makes me despair

Stick to your guns OP and don't listen to the nutters on this thread Angry

peggyundercrackers · 13/02/2017 15:18

Jeez, some of these comments are beyond me! I don't really care if he finds my comments joyful or not. If I don't feel he is taking care of our DD properly, then I will say.

HE can parent any way he wants to - its got fuck all to do with you. you need to stop being petty and move on.

Trooperslane · 13/02/2017 15:21

I'm in the house on my own today working and the heating is on. Draughty Victorian tenement with high ceilings.

It's lovely, but it's Baltic.

DD had chicken pox last week so the heating was on all week.

He's a cock.