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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/02/2017 09:20

I am a social worker and if i went into an unheated house with children in it i would have some questions to ask about it as it can be part of a neglectful picture

I'm also on benefits through ill health and have to economise my heating as on prepayment meters. Not only that but because me and DD are both asthmatics. We have to get the balance right between keeping the house warm and ventilated.

DS had a Camhs worker do a home visit last year. Said Camhs worker had a stinking cold and possibly the flu. They were coughing quite a bit and I didnt put the heating on as I didnt want the dry air to make their coughing any worse (because that's what happens with me). I spent the next week or so worrying about whether I should have out the heating on and if any inferences were drawn.
Nothing happened and I was worrying for nothing. Just wanted to point out that it isn't always the case that the parent is being neglectful or is struggling financially. I just didnt think.

I don't think the OPs Ex is struggling like some do though, it is just possible he's being a tightarse with the 'pack an extra jumper' comment.

GinIsIn · 13/02/2017 09:25

Well, you said it was the first weekend she's even been to the new house so how on earth would she know it was boring in advance....?

mygrandchildrenrock · 13/02/2017 09:26

Just a thought. If he's got an electric/gas prepayment meter he may not have had enough money to out it on. You said he's been out of work so maybe money's tight.
I remember my then 6 yr old DD asking 'if daddies were meant to play with you' after a weekend visit. I said some do, some don't, there isn't a 'meant to' about it. She said hers just read the paper and watched TV. I let her know that was normal for some dads, no judgement at all.

MsGameandWatch · 13/02/2017 09:26

If I only had my child EOW I would be up spending time with her, making her breakfast and putting the bloody heating on!

This place astounds me sometimes. If you went to stay with your DP and he lolled around in bed, hadn't provided you with a decent breakfast AND refused to put the heating on you'd be told to dump him tout suite! But for parents it's fine not to be kind and thoughtful to their 10 year olds. Whatever!

I wouldn't make her go again OP, only if she wanted to.

Chinnygirl · 13/02/2017 09:32

Let her stay at grannys again

Original poster

largepinot · 13/02/2017 09:38

Fenella, you're coming across as just wanting an argument. God knows why! It's not the house which is boring, it's the fact that her dad doesn't really do much with her. Usually just sticking a load of DVDs on.

OP posts:

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/02/2017 09:43

I'm with gangsta and boosh

If he has money fir booze and cigarettes he has money to put the heating on fir a couple of hours.

Yeah I'd expect a 10 ur old to be able to make her own breakfast. However of he's not seen her in two weeks he could make an effort to get up with her.

He's a parent ffs. Existence is not enough.

NewNNfor2017 · 13/02/2017 09:51

A few winters ago, I ended up asking my DDs dad to have her for extra nights because our house was so cold and we just couldn't afford to pay for the level of heating needed to keep it warm
We were sleeping in hats and gloves and had Layers of blankets on the beds and sofas.

I felt like a complete failure as a parent and I was defensive about it and very grumpy at times (being cold all the time didn't help).

Based on what was put in the OP it's hard to tell what the situation is - could be a disinterested dad, could be a dad doing his best when financially stretched and feeling embarrassed that he can't provide for his DD.

StarsAndStripes17 · 13/02/2017 09:58

I am a social worker and if i went into an unheated house with children in it i would have some questions to ask about it as it can be part of a neglectful picture

🙄
Some people are struggling financially and can't afford to put the heating on. It isn't always "neglect".
Some people's boilers break and they are waiting for someone to come and repair it.

I really really do feel sorry for people on low incomes who have the finger pointed at them because they have to make difficult choices between heating or eating, or they don't have a cupboard full of food all the time. People like you just make it worse for them. Well done.

GinIsIn · 13/02/2017 10:03

I have been your DD. It is hard to maintain relationships when both parents don't have the same attitude, prticularly when one is keen to have the child side against the other, and the reason you may think I am being harsh is that it sounds like you have no interest in facilitating their relationship - you seem very eager to pick as many holes as you can. Putting on an extra jumper isn't the end of the world but the way you come across now could really damage their relationship and your DD will be the one who loses longterm.

Original poster

largepinot · 13/02/2017 10:06

I also feel very sorry for people who have to choose to heat, or to eat. I appreciate I am lucky, but that's a separate debate, because I have made it clear, that yes, he has been out of work for a month, but that he does have money. He buys fags every day (not a necessity!) and also, goes to the pub several nights a week. That's not being on the bread line. I have also made it clear that this was about his "principles", not about not being able to afford it.

OP posts:

tinglyfing · 13/02/2017 10:07

If he has form for being selfish and irresponsible, then I totally get where you're coming from op. Similar issues here sometimes! You just want him to be a considerate loving dad. I get that. Yanbu.

blueskyinmarch · 13/02/2017 10:10

I didn't mean to derail the thread. I was clear though that not having heating on MAY be PART of a neglectful picture and I also followed that up with examples that might be neglectful and some that are due to poverty etc. I too hate that some people need to choose between heating and food. It is scandalous in this day and age.

As you were folks.

Original poster

largepinot · 13/02/2017 10:12

Fenella, in a word, bollocks! I have done EVERYTHING in my power to encourage a good relationship is a good one. Does he not have to do anything then? Again, their relationship being a good one, you're saying, is entirely my responsibility. I can only encourage a good relationship. I can not and will not manufacture one.

OP posts:

Original poster

largepinot · 13/02/2017 10:15

.....seriously Fenella, what have I said in this thread to suggest that I have "no interest in facilitating their relationship"? Could you elaborate?...

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 13/02/2017 10:15

she needs more than a hoody and long sleeved tops for no heating.

she needs a couple of layers on her legs a couple of pairs of socks on and more than a top and hoody. (an extra couple of layers.) (we have a central heating issue so experience) some houses are warmer than others. (our flat warm as mr downstairs likes it tropical. mum's house freezing in august as it is poorly insulated)

this, however, is not the point. her dad should ensure that she is adequately warm.

the proper response should be... I will put it on this time but next time could you bring... or buy the bloody stuff himself for her. .

kierenthecommunity · 13/02/2017 10:18

I am veering towards NU. Ok, I don't think your daughter phoning you to complain when there was nothing you could do was great, but tbf we don't know the reaction she got when she tried to wake him. Oh he gave her short shrift maybe she felt she had no choice.

Her being up at 7.30 was a bit on the early side but his getting up loads later, well that depends on the definition of 'loads.' If he got up at 8.30 fair enough. 11am less so. If he's out of work presumably he doesn't need a lie in, and even if he does that's tough luck. You kind of forfeit that when you have kids.

The cold, well tbf I could be that patent because I rarely feel the cold and sometimes have to be told. A 'few extra clothes' are fine if it's borderline I think (like if they're comfortable with it being 16 and she's used to but not if it's artic. It was sleeting this weekend so I'm assuming the latter.

I used to see my dad at weekends at that age and we might not do something like go out every time but he and my step mum made the effort, a Sunday roast, board games, helping me do homework etc nothing earth shattering.

However in his defence could it be she hadn't stopped there so long he's got out of practice, and similarly she's forgotten how to talk to him?

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/02/2017 10:19

and the reason you may think I am being harsh is that it sounds like you have no interest in facilitating their relationship

Well, clearly she is interested in facilitating a relationship between DD and her father, otherwise why would she be letting DD go to stay there and even encouraging her to stay another night when she's clearly bored out of her skull there cold and unhappy whilst there.

gandalf456 · 13/02/2017 10:26

Some people are funny about heating. I know a few people like this. Dh is a bit but far worse in the beginning of our relationship. I became ruthless and decided that if I am cold, the heating goes ON. His brother is still like he was and his house is freezing. FIL is like that too. But I will not sit in a cold house or take any excuses. Yes, I try putting a jumper on and keeping doors closed first but his time of the year it goes beyond that. I'm certainly not sitting indoors with a coat and hat on. It's not the bloody middle ages.

So I'd say she can go back and visit if ex makes more.of an effort and puts the heating on

GinIsIn · 13/02/2017 10:26

Multiple posters have asked you if she mentioned at all to her dad that she was cold rather than calling you to whinge. You haven't answered. What I am saying is he may not be your perfect idea of a parent but he IS her parent, so let him have a go at parenting, rather than encouraging your DD to come and moan to you about everything she dislikes.

In this thread you have listed that she complains:

about the bed being uncomfortable in his old place
that the old place was cold
that the tv is too loud
that he talks too loudly to his girlfriend
that the new place is too cold

-that it's boring

that she had to get her own breakfast

That's an awful lot of complaints about not very much. You are clearly only interested in being told you are right so I shan't bother further, but it really doesn't do your DD any favours to encourage her to complain to you rather than to discuss it with her dad. I am not saying at all that it's all your responsibility, I am pointing out that encouraging her to whinge and validating that behaviour is obstructive in the long run and does none of you any favours.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 10:30

"about the bed being uncomfortable in his old place

that the old place was cold
that the tv is too loud
that he talks too loudly to his girlfriend
that the new place is too cold

-that it's boring

that she had to get her own breakfast"

If the parents were living together and these were the complaints, who would the DD complain to?

I suspect there are many children who have these complaints who can't just ring another parent and ask to come back to their house - because both parents live together.

It can be too easy to complain to another parent and ask to come home.

BlackeyedSusan · 13/02/2017 10:33

if the kids are cold the adults need to do something about it. water bottle, blanket, she could have been given dad's jumper to borrow, been bought a jumper, rung mum to see if he could come and pick something extra up...

paxillin · 13/02/2017 10:34

I think he should buy her Guernsey jumpers and Uggs for his house if he keeps it too cold for her perfectly normal clothes.

Making her own breakfast and entertaining herself at 7:30 is ok I think. I don't get up that early either unless there is a baby or toddler to look after on a Sunday.

Original poster

largepinot · 13/02/2017 10:35

Fenella, again, I don't encourage her to complain, I encourage her to feel comfortable enough that she can talk to me about anything. That goes for everything. Not just her relationship with her dad. The list which you are talking about being "not very much", I completely disagree. I think they're all valid complaints to be making. Let's leave it there, shall we?

OP posts:

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 10:38

I think they're all valid complaints to be making. Let's leave it there, shall we

Do you think your DD has any complaints about your house?

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