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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
zukiecat · 12/02/2017 21:46

I agree with the OP, not getting up and making an effort with your DD is an issue, I call it lazy parenting, regardless of whether DD is old enough to make her own breakfast

The heating thing is not right either, it's freezing in the UK at the moment, I can't afford to put my heating on at all, but I do have halogen heaters and they do make a room cosy,

Wheredidallthejaffacakesgo · 12/02/2017 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sherlock35 · 12/02/2017 22:12

YANBU, OP

Does your DD find it difficult talking to her dad? Mine wants to spend time with hers but gets me to talk to him about stuff sometimes as she worries about his reaction

Hope this gets sorted

MidniteScribbler · 12/02/2017 22:25

You need to let the breakfast thing go. How would you like it if he started telling you how to parent at your own home? A ten year old doesn't need a breakfast cooked for her, and for all you know, he may have happily cooked for her at a more reasonable time of 9am. She chose to get up earlier than the household. She is not a guest, she is a family member.

As for the heating, I doubt it could have been so cold she was in tears if she was in a normal house, with a jumper and thick socks. She could have gone back to bed and cuddled under her doona with a book. Grab a blanket. Teach her to take a bit of responsibility for herself.

She sounds like a bit of a whinger really. People talk too loud, the tv is too loud, I had to cook myself breakfast, it's too cold. She's obviously getting sympathy from her mother, as she's ringing at 7:30am to complain.

ChuckSnowballs · 12/02/2017 22:41

Would she even known where the breakfast stuff was, with it being the first time in the new frozen house? What a lovely welcome.

Floofborksnootandboop · 12/02/2017 23:09

YANBU about the heating but you are about him not being up at 7:30!! Who gets up at 7:30 on a Saturday to make a 10 year breakfast? I'm sure she can do it herself fgs!

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 07:22

Midnite, my DD is not a "whinger". As I've said, several times, she didn't call me to whinge. She called me because I said she could call when she likes because I know she often gets bored, as he doesn't do much with her and she feels awkward and sad a lot of the time....and freezing too apparently. She just told me. She wasn't complaining and that wasn't her reason for calling me.

We could debate back and forth whether it's right or wrong, but I personally can't get my head around why you wouldn't go out your way a bit to make an effort with your DC when they come to stay at your new house for the first time when they've have made the decision not to stay for so long!

And for the last time, I have never said I expected him to get up at 7.30! Neither did my DD.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 13/02/2017 08:11

You said exactly that in your OP.... Hmm

I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it.

Unfortunately encouraging her to call you because her dad's is boring does not paint this in any more positive a light - it's like you need to find yet one more thing to go wrong with it. You may not like him, but he's her father. Send her with a proper jumper next time, don't encourage her to complain to you about non-issues, and don't plant the idea that trips to his are boring. It was 7:30am - how much time to be bored had she had?! Hmm

GangstaRat · 13/02/2017 08:29

Ffs, why are people falling all over themselves to defend a man who won't lift a finger to parent his own child, and attack a woman and cast nasty aspersions on a child for wanting a parent who appears to actually give a damn?

SoupDragon · 13/02/2017 08:31

Would she even known where the breakfast stuff was

Unless the kitchen is the size of the warehouse at Ikea, I'm sure she'd manage.

Booshbeesh · 13/02/2017 08:36

Op - ignore these people. Who comes onto mn and calls other peoples childrens names. Pathetic. Shes in a new house with a dad she sees not to often cant sleep because she is cold and havin to make her own breakfast. Jesus. Im 29 and still ring my mum to have a bitch and i bet 90% of u lot saying she shouldnt have called her mum still do aswell.

Whoever said about teach her to be responsible/independant get a blanket and bak to bed to keep warm. Her dad has REFUSED to put heating on ATAL. should she walk around all day in a blanket??? Or with several jumpers on? Its not a second its a part time stop for her. If she dont want to go. Dont force her.

timeforabrewnow · 13/02/2017 08:44

YANBU or OTT.

Don't make her go back if she doesn't want to go Sad

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/02/2017 08:48

I think you are being unreasonable with the breakfast thing. Both my DCs (7&10) make their own breakfasts cereals here and when at their Dads so we can both snatch an extra 20 minutes sleep. I do understand though, if I was away from my kids most of the month I'd be wanting to spend every waking moment with them.

You are definitely not unreasonable to expect him to put the heating on in this weather though and I'd be furious with him too. 'Pack an extra jumper' = I'm 30 and slept with my coat on last night once I had to turn the heating off I was so cold! And I'm one of those annoying women that's still waltzing around in jumpers in November Grin . You need to have firm words with him that it's unacceptable and if he can't ensure he'll have some sort of heating you're going to have to rethink the current arrangements. It's hardly like we're in the height of summer.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 08:49

Yes... I'm aware that's what I said Hmm I think it's wrong for him to stay in bed until late, yes. I don't think he needed to get up at 7.30. I would, but I get that's just me.

Giving my daughter the green light to call me if she feels uncomfortable for whatever reason, I think, is just a responsible thing for a parent to do! I keep making it clear that she didn't call me to tell me she was hungry and cold. She called for a chat and when I asked if she wanted to stay another night, that's when she got really upset and said she wasn't sure because the house was freezing. I think she was upset because she didn't want to offend her dad.

There seems to be a lot of posters on here who mistake decent parenting for being "precious", as I've already been accused of being. I just give a damn about my DDs welfare, so shoot me! I am not interfering. There is a difference.

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/02/2017 08:56

As for the heating, I doubt it could have been so cold she was in tears if she was in a normal house, with a jumper and thick socks.

Depends what kind of house it is I think. I live in an old pre-war one and it's bloody freezing in here on some days, I'm convinced it's warmer outside on some of the coldest days. Our heating is timed to come on for a short half hour burst in the morning tk warm the house up before we wake up. I'd be crying too waking up in that cold.

OP. Talk to her and try and get her to open up to you. If she's anything like my DD it's probably not just the heating that'd be bothering her. Does she have a good relationship with him? Does he lose his temper easily? (not hitting - raising his voice etc). Things that would make her not want to stay. How does she get on with his GF? It could be something even simpler, my DS went through a stage of not wanting to go to Daddy's. He'd cry every time I put him in the Ex's car but the minute he'd get to the Ex's he was absolutely fine. Turned out it was because he'd started equating staying at dads = mummy is in hospital. He'd be worried about me. Now he knows that isn't always the case he's a lot more relaxed about going.

blueskyinmarch · 13/02/2017 08:57

I wouldn’t be happy staying in a freezing cold house so i wouldn’t expect a child to have to endure it. It is miserable being cold. If her DF only has her for a few days every fortnight he could at least make a bit of effort to make his home welcoming for her.

I don’t think you are being precious at all OP - you are only looking out for the welfare of your child. I am a social worker and if i went into an unheated house with children in it i would have some questions to ask about it as it can be part of a neglectful picture.

girlywhirly · 13/02/2017 08:58

I agree with you OP. The main issue here is that your ex has no idea how to have a relationship with his DD, he doesn't know what to talk about, or what she likes and what her interests are, probably has no clue who her friends are, what she's doing at school.

I get the impression that your DD feels sidelined and unwelcome wherever he has lived and the fiancée takes precedence. Does she make any effort with DD, being friendly and chatting with her? Also, while it isn't your place to tell him what he 'should ' do with DD while at his home, it doesn't sound great that he never seems to do anything with her. It's a cop out to say he can't afford to, playing a game of cards together would be fun and cheap. He's the adult, he should be making the effort to forge a relationship with his DD.

If I were you I'd be thinking to myself of ways in which ex and DD can have contact that is cheap and doesn't involve overnight stays. Would a day at the week-end and a day during the week every fortnight work better? The weekday could just be a couple of hours to go for a Macdonalds tea or something, more time during school hols if ex can get some time off. It sounds as if he is just ticking boxes by having DD every other week-end for overnights.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 08:58

Oh and, Fenella, how have I planted the idea it's boring? He's done that himself. Does he take no responsibility for why she doesn't want to go?! Is it all on me?! I "only" packed her a long sleeved top and a (warm) hoodie and thick, flannelette PJ's? How inconsiderate of me, right? Jesus!

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/02/2017 09:02

Jesus. Im 29 and still ring my mum to have a bitch and i bet 90% of u lot saying she shouldnt have called her mum still do aswell.

Speak for yourself Boosh. If I rang and bitched to my mum about anything she'd tell all and sundry.

I ring my Dad & bitch to him instead. Grin

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 09:05

Him not putting on the heating in this weather when my DD is cold isn't good enough, no. How is that me saying that nothing he does is good enough

There are people on Mumsnet who can't afford to always put their heating on as much as they want to and use jumpers instead.

I do wonder if there would be a different reaction if the ex was complaining about the RP not putting on the heating on in the morning if the RP couldn't afford it.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 09:05

I agree with you OP. The main issue here is that your ex has no idea how to have a relationship with his DD, he doesn't know what to talk about, or what she likes and what her interests are, probably has no clue who her friends are, what she's doing at school

Girly, yes. All of this unfortunately.

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 09:06

I am a social worker and if i went into an unheated house with children in it i would have some questions to ask about it as it can be part of a neglectful picture

As a social worker, you probably meet a lot of families who have to make a choice between heating and eating. Are you saying that that is neglect? Or people making uncomfortable decisions?

user1484226561 · 13/02/2017 09:10

do we actually know the temperature of the house yet? Cos this whole thread is a bit pointless without that!

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/02/2017 09:10

It sounds as if he is just ticking boxes by having DD every other week-end for overnights.

Yes. I think that too and can see why the OP is rightly pissed off. If he's also not doing much with her I can see why she's getting bored too. My 10yo DD currently has a broken foot and I'm already apprehensive about the time they'll spend at their Dads nedt week because I know his only source of entertainment will be for her to watch dvds/screen time on her tablet etc with not even short walks to the park where obviously she can't play but her hyperactive little brother who will be climbing the walls by then will get to play and she will also get a little exercise.

I dont think you're interfering at all OP. I dont ring the DCs when they're at their Dads as it's his time with them and i don't want to turn into that mum. But they're more than allowed to ring me whenever they are missing me or just want to talk to me. The ex has never had a problem with either of them wanting to contact me. OPs DD may be 10 but she's at that awkward stage where they know they're growing up but theyre still a child too. So why yes grown up = get your own cereal. Freezing cold house in the middle of February = of course she'll want to ring her mum.

blueskyinmarch · 13/02/2017 09:15

Amisparticus. If it was that they had no money and it was a genuine issue then we would look at how they could maximise benefits etc. If it was money being used for drugs, fags and alcohol etc then we would be asking about priorities. Mental health issues can come into it and agin that would be assessed around supports for the parent. However there are also just some parents who would lie around all day watching tv and gaming and not give a shit about their children including not putting on heating or making sure they were fed. That is neglectf

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