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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 16:45

She could fix her own breakfast and wear more clothing. Why should she though? It clearly makes her miserable

Your ex needs to know the difference between bringing children up and dragging them up

Why should she fix her own breakfast? #helicopterparenting

itsmine · 13/02/2017 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Skooba · 13/02/2017 16:54

I think he is being a miserable git.
But can't DD tackle him about it. 10 is still quite young but if she has lots of one to one time with him I would have thought she could have said to him she is freezing. Or gone back to bed after breakfast, or taken an electric blanket (that would be my solution).
You prob want her to continue having contact. So perhaps she can find a solution.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 16:55

kitty, neither do I tbh. I honestly think there are members on here who lurk around looking purely for a heated debate\argument. Ah well. You live and learn.

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 16:59

I honestly think there are members on here who lurk around looking purely for a heated debate\argument

So - what would you like to happen? Have you decided from this AIBU how you might help make things improve for your DD?

When is she next going to see your ex?

SofiaAmes · 13/02/2017 17:00

Why did you post in AIBU if you didn't want to hear opinions that are different to your own?

There are many ways to "properly" raise a child and you don't seem to be allowing your ex to do things his way. From what you've described it's not like he's doing anything that's seriously harmful to his child and it might do her some good to understand that different people do things in different ways in this world.

Why are you packing for a 10 year old? Perhaps you are the one not raising your child "properly" by not encouraging her to learn a few self-sufficient skills and by not teaching her that calling anyone (even her mother) at 7:30am on a weekend without an emergency is rude.

itsmine · 13/02/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 17:11

It was 1° in the UK all weekend. No heating is not a reasonable lifestyle choice.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 13/02/2017 18:06

Here here

What a load of fucking shit

*This is why I would never ask for opinions on here

OP you sound like you are on the ball and for the life of me I cannot see how so many people are on your case*

Reading shit like this makes me despair

Stick to your guns OP and don't listen to the nutters on this thread

Oh the irony

Camelopardtoes · 13/02/2017 18:47

Some people just want to be annoyed. Leave him be and encourage your daughter to be more resilient and assertive.

Mumzypopz · 13/02/2017 18:59

Kitty biscuits....Love your comment that no heating is not a reasonable lifestyle choice. About 30 years ago, not everyone had central heating. Most houses just had a small bathroom heater and a fire downstairs. It was certainly a lifestyle choice then. Our heating comes on for an hour first thing, then goes off, at which point we put the fire on downstairs, which is sufficient to heat all of downstairs. Perhaps this what her ex meant, perhaps a fire was on so he didn't feel the need to put the heating on. You can't dictate how other people heat their house.

GatoradeMeBitch · 13/02/2017 19:18

Every now and then I get the sneaking feeling that some of the people on these boards don't like women very much - or children. Some of you seem to be positively gleeful on threads where you read about a woman or child in distress - particularly a female child.

I used to mod on a forum and I did notice that some of the most vicious misogynists had female/neutral usernames, but male names in their email addresses. Just saying.

kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 19:31

Thanks for the history lesson mumzypops. I think you will find that 'no heating' means no heating, rather than 'the fire was on'.

kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 19:34

GatoradeMeBitch I could not agree more. I am sure there are plenty more big hairy bollocks hanging around on these threads than anyone would admit to. The goady, gloaty fuckwittery about women and children being put through the wringer. Reeks of testosterone.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 13/02/2017 19:40

GatoradeMeBitch

MN is an all inclusive forum

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 19:50

Some of you seem to be positively gleeful on threads where you read about a woman or child in distress - particularly a female child

Are you suggesting that this child who was on the phone to her mum at 7.30 on a Sunday morning when her dad suggested she get her own breakfast and who was told to put a jumper on is in distress - and that the reaction of some posters who don't instantly agree with the OP are doing it because the child is female?

I would suspect the same reaction if the child was a boy.
I would also expect the same reaction if the OP was a man whose DS had rung from their ex's house at 7.30 in the morning to complain that they had been told to get their own breakfast and put a jumper on.

itsmine · 13/02/2017 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flipthebirdy · 13/02/2017 20:31

Gator I suspected that too.

GinIsIn · 13/02/2017 20:36

Absolutely. To think it's not unreasonable for a 10 year old to put on a jumper and get their own breakfast, you'd have to have a penis... Hmm

kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 20:38

You'd need one to do that amount of minimising!

itsmine · 13/02/2017 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidniteScribbler · 13/02/2017 20:49

This is one of those threads that I'd love to hear what happened from the other side.

kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 20:56

No. I don't.

GinIsIn · 13/02/2017 20:57

kittybiscuits - it was a bit cold, and she had to pour her own cereal because it was 7:30 in the morning. And hysterical posters like you have referred to that on this thread as 'neglect' and 'abuse'. You really don't need male genitalia to see that this absolutely isn't neglect or abuse, just common sense. For your sake, I hope you never encounter real examples of either of those things. Hmm

MsGameandWatch · 13/02/2017 21:42

It's not abuse, it's not even neglect, but it is mediocre and pretty disinterested parenting. As I said previously but no one responded, if you went to stay with a boyfriend and he refused to put the heating on, didn't get you anything decent for breakfast and left you to yourself while he lolled on bed you'd be told on her to dump him. I think it sounds pretty unpleasant for the dd and I find it a bit odd, quite how invested some posters on here are in trying to convince others that it's perfectly OK. It really isn't. I wouldn't send my kid back to a sleep over where this happened.

OP your daughter will vote with her feet soon enough. Leave the door open till then.

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