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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with DD's dad (my ex) for refusing to put the heating on?

434 replies

largepinot · 12/02/2017 16:42

Hi,

I have a 10 year old DD from a previous relationship.

Her dad and I have been separated for 4 1/2 years. Both with new partners. Both engaged.

We have a rocky relationship at times, as I often feel he doesn't put our DD at the top of his priority list. Actually, to be blunt, he can be an utter arsehole at times!

Anyway, my DD stays with him every other weekend. However, she stopped wanting to sleep at his, so started sleeping at my parents instead (they live 5 minutes from him) He wasn't happy about that and so, to his credit, he decided to get a bigger place, so she'd feel happier about staying.

This was the first weekend at his new place and she said she didn't want to sleep there again...which was awkward. I put my foot down slightly and said that she now has her own room etc and that she should at least give it a go, but made it clear it was still her decision. She decided to stay.

I get a phone call at 7.30 this morning to say that she's going to make her own breakfast as he's not up yet. Now, I don't think it's bad necessarily for 10 year old to make their own breakfast sometimes but, I do think it's wrong when she only sees him once a fortnight for him to stay in bed and leave her to it. He told her the night before to help herself in the morning to cereal. Oh, the effort Hmm He didn't bother to get up until much later.

I knew he wanted her for another night and I said to play it by ear and see how she feels. I asked what she'd rather do this morning and she went really quiet and said she wasn't sure cos she's really cold. I spoke to my ex and he said, "well, pack her a jumper next time. I'm not putting the heating on. It's a waste of money". I got cross because, of course, do what you like when you're on your own, but it's bloody freezing and so is she! I told him he was being so mean and that if he didn't put it on, he needs to bring her back, where she can be warm and not ignored

She was actually crying down the phone because she was so cold Sad

It's not on is it?! I mean, for one bloody day, I'm sure he could go against his "principles"! He can be so selfish and irresponsible!

Sorry for the length.

Am I being OTT?

Thanks

OP posts:
itsmine · 13/02/2017 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 13/02/2017 15:31

Surely if someone posted saying their husband drank and smoked and then had the nerve to tell everyone in the house to put on jumpers as he refused to pay for heating, she'd be told he was a tight fisted abusive bastard.

Yet a kid mentions it and she's playing the parents off against each other...? Confused

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 15:33

Surely if someone posted saying their husband drank and smoked and then had the nerve to tell everyone in the house to put on jumpers as he refused to pay for heating

Just remember that only 1 side of the story is being told.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 15:35

My ex has the heating on very low if at all - except when it's very cold. They are trying not to spend money on heating.

OTOH - Ex and DS are going away for a week's holiday at half term.

Is that neglect? DS is used to the temperature in that house. Maybe ex should spend more money on heating and not go on a holiday.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/02/2017 15:39

YABU and very defensive.

Nothing wrong with making her own breakfast, especially that early in the morning. Nobody would be getting me up at 7.30 to make them breakfast.

She should be able to treat the house as her home, and not be treated like a guest.

Regarding the heating, that's just the way some people are. We battle in our house because I feel the cold more.

These are not life or death issues, I really think you are just being picky. Be grateful that your DD actually spends sleepovers at her dad's, not a lot of kids do. And I hope you aren't making negative comments in front of DD. She can make her own mind up about her dad without your input.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/02/2017 15:50

You're getting a hard time from a few of 'those' posters. Just ignore op Flowers

Incredulous at the he can parent how he wants comment and its got nothing to do with you...

No he cant. If the daughter is unhappy at best and at worst possibly an issue of neglect then its got everything to do with the op

Stupid bloody comment.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 15:53

Incredulous at the he can parent how he wants comment and its got nothing to do with you

Doesn't that work both ways though? How many times do people say that NRPs have no say in the RPs parenting? 'Your house, your rules'

How many times do people say the NRP has no say in how the RP spends maintenance?

itsmine · 13/02/2017 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 16:12

peggy, I couldn't disagree more. Any way?...Ok Hmm

House, damn right I'm being defensive. Yes, it's a forum and no, I don't expect everyone to agree with me, but I'm not just being disagreed with, I'm being told that I'm being irresponsible and "precious", which is absolutely ridiculous!

As I've already said, I'm not perfect, but to be made out to be the villain in this, is mental.

OP posts:
amispartacus · 13/02/2017 16:14

If the daughter is unhappy at best and at worst possibly an issue of neglect then its got everything to do with the op

DS is unhappy at ex's house when he can't get his own way and has to do things. Uses phone to ring me up and complain

DS is unhappy here when he can't get own way and has to do things like homework. Uses phone to ring up ex and complain.

Parenting is hard. Shared parenting is hard. Being a child in 2 different houses with 2 different parents with different expectations is hard.

At what point does it become an issue?

holidaysaregreat · 13/02/2017 16:15

largepinot your DD is lucky to have you! If you were posting as an adult saying "OH is really tight and spends all his spare cash in the pub and on fags so we can never have the heating on. He also never helps out with any cooking and I have to do it all" they would all be saying you should sort him out. No idea why DD should be jumping with joy at the idea of spending her free time with him!

itsmine · 13/02/2017 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 16:18

As I've already said, I'm not perfect, but to be made out to be the villain in this, is mental

You used the word 'villain'. That's strong words.

It is hard to discuss things when you aren't in the actual place as someone - so you get one perspective.

As I said, my ex keeps the house not as warm as I do and DS is used to the cold there. Money is an issue but then again, ex is going away on holiday at half term.

If I posted on here saying ' I think that ex should be spending more on heating and not going away on holiday'...what would happen?

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/02/2017 16:18

Ami no they have no say in how maintenance is spent, nor should they.

And yes, if an NRP had concerns about their child's unhappiness or any issue of potential neglect then they are free to raise it.

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 16:19

OH is really tight and spends all his spare cash in the pub and on fags so we can never have the heating on

My ex rarely has the heating on and spends money on holidays...
DS is used to the cold.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/02/2017 16:19

Itsmine

Hmm
Atenco · 13/02/2017 16:23

He buys fags every day (not a necessity!) and also, goes to the pub several nights a week

As a tobacco addict myself, it is very easy to think he should not buy cigarrettes, but not that easy to do. As for his being in the pub, do you really know this, OP?

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 16:23

And yes, if an NRP had concerns about their child's unhappiness or any issue of potential neglect then they are free to raise it

Of course they are:

What then happens if one of the parents disagrees with the other parent's perception of the issue?

itsmine · 13/02/2017 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angeldelightedme · 13/02/2017 16:33

Until the early 70s most people did not have domestic central heating.I think nowadays some people heat their houses to T shirt level the year round.Schools are often overheated Kids then feel cold when they go in a normal house! I think this is what could be happening here. Your ex and his fiancé are comfortable but you and your DD who are used to the same levels of heating, feel the cold.

Original poster
largepinot · 13/02/2017 16:37

Atenco, yes..I really know this. He tells me.

itsme, your point is invalid then, because as I keep repeating, she wasn't calling me to complain!

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 16:38

I don't know how you can bear to post about this here OP with the drivel that people write. I would just alert him to the fact that she doesn't want to go because she is too cold and let her come home whenever that is an issue. His choice. Stupid prick.

kittybiscuits · 13/02/2017 16:39

He drinks and smokes but won't put the heating on. Asshole.

RockyBird · 13/02/2017 16:42

She could fix her own breakfast and wear more clothing. Why should she though? It clearly makes her miserable.

Your ex needs to know the difference between bringing children up and dragging them up. Sad

amispartacus · 13/02/2017 16:43

our ex and his fiancé are comfortable but you and your DD who are used to the same levels of heating, feel the cold

DS thinks my house is too hot. I think ex's house is too cold.

Maybe I should tell ex to heat the house more and not go on holiday instead. Or I could turn down my heating and spend more money on wine.