Still furious about Christmas

[Ionlywantedapony]

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

OP it isn't your DH you need to talk to though it's your mum. If my MIL had behaved the way your mum did and then my DH tried to talk to me about how my behaviour has upsetting I'd have given him short shrift too.
I think you would really benefit from counselling to work through your childhood. You have been so starved of affection from your mum growing up that your happy to accept whatever crumbs of affection she shows you now. Sure shes nice when shes with you but its all of her own terms so counts for nothing. FWIW I'm 17 years into my marriage with DH.

A pity the OP wasn't totally upfront from the beginning. This has turned into one of those threads.

Brief outline.

MN: Your MIL and DH are evil.
Drip
MN: Actually your MIL did a nice thing but your DH is evil.
Drip
MN: Actually your DH isn't that bad.
Drip
MN: Actually your Mum and Sis were evil and your MIL aren't.
Epic drip
MN: Your DH is evil after all.

What he basically means is "your mother makes MY life harder than it needs to be, so I would rather she wasn't around at all" - which is incredibly selfish of him.

And yet that sentiment is posted about woman about their mils all the time, on here.

What he said wasnt nice and was twatty. However a mil that keeps making my life harder isnt someone I would want to be around either.

Fact is that the OPs mother turns up when she wants, changes plans when she wants and expects everyone. Then the dh gets shit because he won't drop everything as well.

I think you need to put this one behind you but let it give you a guide as to the kind of issues you could face next year and try and get organised ahead of time. If you now know your mum may or may not turn up at the last minute then speak to her in the weeks leading up to it and see what her plans are likely to be so you can give her some proper time with you all. Also speak to your MIL and DH to stress to them that it's important to you to see your mum and make time for her if she does appear. Then they can perhaps be more flexible in their plans/schedule. I have a brother who is in the Middle East who is very similar to your mum. He waits to get standby flights so never knows when he will come or for how long. This year he came the week before Christmas when we were working and DC were at school. But we got to see him a few nights. You can never keep everyone happy and Christmas can be a bit of a stressful time but I think your mum was being unreasonable turning up so late at the last minute 💐💐💐

Sympathies about your general situation with your dm op, that must be very difficult and potentially hurtful.

If pil phoned on Boxing Day and asked to take dh and sil (but not me and, even more, not dc) out to a restaurant for lunch I would be unimpressed. (They would never do this in rl by the way). And if dh agreed to it, I don't like to imagine the scene!

Changing Christmas Day at the last minute I think would also be problematic. Other people (fil, bil and sil?) were expecting you - it just would not really feel 'right' to me to suddenly change and say you're not coming. Leaving earlier would have been an option, yes. But I am puzzled about why you feel guilty about dm when this arose - it wasn't in any way your fault that you had so little notice was it?

Twatners wig I don't know what the chuff you think your pearl of wisdom has added.

Counselling, been there done that. Thank you, it was a very kind a caring suggestion. Some of you are really nice! Truly. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of constructive responses.
I'm still a weak people pleaser.
I have now learned though that it might be therapeutic to fix other people's lives on mumsnet. So thanks. I think I've found a great new hobby!
❤️🍾

Ok what your Dh said was extreme but he sees a woman turn up, upset his wife, mother and everyone's Christmas plans. He'd have to be a saint to smile gently and say how lovely she is.

Your dm sounds a right pain but she is your mum and you are no doubt conditioned to seek her approval so you do t see her like he does.

When I did try to talk to my DH in January about how upset I was at leaving my mum and sis on Christmas Day, it did not go well. The highlight of that talk was him saying he wished my mum was dead, like my dad, that way it wouldn't be an issue.
Maybe he's sick of the way she treats you like crap and thinks you deserve better, and that was his attempt at saying so but combined with being pissed off with you giving him grief for your mother's failings (again)?

When I did try to talk to my DH in January about how upset I was at leaving my mum and sis on Christmas Day, it did not go well. The highlight of that talk was him saying he wished my mum was dead, like my dad, that way it wouldn't be an issue.

That's an awful thing to say, but why do you blame him so completely?

You seem to have a big grudge against your MIL; and your DH. He may be a complete tosser but from what you've said here, the person firmly in the wrong was your Mum. She turned up unannounced, knowing you'd have alternate plans, refused to go along with the plans and then tried to take you away from your planned Boxing Day activities.

Added to that, she only turns up as an 'add on' to business trips or visiting your sister, and your husband is probably sick of her saying Jump and you asking how high. She should have asked to come, and if it was late notice, been willing to go to MILs or engage with MILs at yours or whatever the plan was. She needed to think about YOUR family, not just hers.

Blaming DH for it seems an incredibly off-course decision. Why do you? Because his MIL is reliable? Because you'd rather see her less? Because you're a bit jealous that his MIL is there and your mum isn't?

I don't even think it's an issue of needing to stand up for yourself. It's just an issue with your mum, and it sounds like there have always been plenty of those. If you are angry, direct it solely at her.

OP, what your DH said about your Mum was terrible but I can really understand why he finds her so frustrating. It's not his fault that she pitched up at the last minute.

Would you really have left your DH and kids to go out on Boxing Day with your Mum rather than stay at home with the whole family?

"It's just an issue with your mum, and it sounds like there have always been plenty of those."

I agree with that.

As for the not good at planning-well she did manage to plan tyo come over, but it seemed to be more about your sister.

Perhaps when she really wants to see you, she'll put some actual thought & effort in.

Your husband said a horrible thing, but he's really not the villain of the piece.

Yep, your husband hates your mum. And he has ample cause to do so because she is hateful in the way she treats you. Her offer to take you out for Boxing Day and NOT him, when he was prepping to cook, also speaks volumes. I strongly suspect he's seen a lot more of her shit over the years and can't be arsed pretending he doesn't loathe her anymore. In his place, I'd loathe her too.

you are the only one who cares about other people's feelings nice but not true. OP's MIL really tried to help the OP on this occasion, and I doubt she's heard anything good about the mother to want her in the house.

Appalling behaviour from your mother, OP. Awful situation for you. One piece of shit too many for your husband, who has seen you fucked about by this woman once too often. Good on him for not giving in to her. Bet Christmas would have been shit if you'd stayed at home with her anyway.

TBH it was your mum and sister who wu - your mil invited them, they refused to go! They came after the plans has been made and then refused to join in which is a bit childish really!

"Would you really have left your DH and kids to go out on Boxing Day with your Mum rather than stay at home with the whole family?"

I wondered that.

She refused to go to his mums & then didn't even want to have Boxing Day lunch (which he was going to cook) with you all.

No wonder he dug his heels in.

I don't think you are a weak people pleaser. That scenario would have stressed the toughest of us. Think who brought the whole thing about. Clue it wasn't your Dh or mil....

Yes I have always been jealous of the fact that his family are here and mine aren't. I'm always polite to them though. They are nice people who really care about us, I can see that.
I have often longed for my mother to live round the corner and be in our faces all the time, so that he gets a taste of my life. My mother stayed here for two weeks when my youngest baby (17mths) was born. He was overdue so her stay was longer than expected. He was nearly climbing the walls by the time she left. Not because she was difficult or mean to him, just because she's his MIL and was in our home. I've had years of close contact with his mother, it opened his eyes a bit to how different life could be if roles were reversed. Of course I loved having her with me for that long. It was a real treat.
DH is snappy and sarcastic. He snaps at his own mother all the time. It comes quite naturally to him take verbal jabs at people. Then he says "I'm an arsehole, I know." He's a reliable man who takes his duties as a father and husband seriously. I trust him to him to always be there for us as a physical presence. Its a shame he's grown up with an acid tongue, because it spoils every opportunity for communication and pushes me further away from him emotionally. He knows that.

MIL's first ever words to my mother were at my wedding. She said "here, you can eat these chocolate biscuits cos' you're a skinny cow".
My mother fucked up Christmas, but don't make the mistake of thinking MIL is easy company.

I really feel for you it must feel as if you are constantly stressing about one or the other of them. Try and remember now that you are a wife and mother in your own right, in charge of your own family and have just as much of a say over anything that involves your own family. You and your husband need to be united and tell each of them what your family will be doing and then talk to them about plans and comprimises. Have you ever spoken to your mum about how her treatment of you makes you feel? It sounds like she could be making a lot more effort to visit more and stay in regular touch and maybe you could say that to her in a positive way xxx

so they aren't good at planning but managed to book themselves on a flight at a busy time of year?

am sure thread has moved on but I dont understand after first couple of pages why you didnt stay at home with your dc and with your own mother?

I would be heart broken if my DD did this to me - esp if she wanted to be with me but meekly followed her in dh wake?

I feel sorry for you - you need to get working on your own self of sense this is no ones fault but yours, I hope you apologise to your DM and make it up to her.

Really Katedaniels? You've seen women posting "all the time" that they wished their MIL was dead? Because I haven't!

I also hope my xmas plans are never so rigid!

I am astonished at people absolving your dh of all blame. Irrespective of your dm' s thoughtless behaviour, he sounds like a total joysucker, and someone who would rather be right than kind.

Earlier, you said that you thought people giving advice were probably at a different stage of life to you. I am in my 50s, and I agree that you need to speak to your dh about his "acid tongue". It won't get better. In a few years you will feel totally beaten down by it and it will be harder and harder to lead a life that really makes you happy. I know. I have been there.

Should add that I feel a lot of sympathy for you.

You are blaming the wrong person. The whole situation was caused by your mother and tbh, I think your DH and you did exactly the right thing by leaving her. Your mother shouldn't have shown up at the last minute for no other reason than her own selfish personality makes her too rude to consider other people's plans. And when she did show up at the last minute she should have been happy to row in with everyone else's plans and gratefully accepted your MIL's gracious invitation to Christmas dinner. Tbh, as I type this I am absolutely fuming for you, your DH and even your MIL. How fucking dare she treat you all with such little respect. And good on your DH for treating her with the same respect she showed you, ie none.