Still furious about Christmas

[Ionlywantedapony]

My mother lives abroad. We hardly see her.
His mother lives 20 minutes away. We see her ALL THE TIME.
My mother is not good at planning.
His mother plans years in advance.
My mother (and sister) flew over to visit us at the last minute at Christmas.
We spent the day at his mothers house and left my mum and sister alone in ours, because "that's what had been planned all along".
AIBU. To still be mad?

I'm not sure why you see yourself as the victim in this, OP? As far as I can see, your MIL went over and above what anyone would expect her to do. It would have been really rude not to turn up (to MIL's) at the last minute. It was your mother who refused to go to your MIL, not your DH's doing at all.

Honestly, if you made plans for Christmas now and let your mother know then this wouldn't occur again. Or let her know strongly that she can't expect to turn up late on Christmas Eve and have everything revolve around her. I don't see what your DH or your MIL could have done differently here.

And actually my mum didn't want to go either.

Then it is your mum that you should be angry at.

Your mother sounds infuriating and selfish.
Your dh sounds controlling and horrible.
Your problem is that you are the only one who cares about other people's feelings, and they are taking advantage of your kindness. From now on, resolve to do what you want - stop being a doormat.

Op, you say you "have no one here and don't work " and that you've become institutionalised"
Christmas wasn't great, but I actually think you pinpointed the major issue yourself with these words. Can you do something for yourself this year - you sound isolated which always makes problems worse as you dwell on them more?

So next time MIL plans something you tell her you can't commit till just before the date just in case your mum wants to come.

She'll hate that but that's not your problem.

But the dh didn't want them to go either. And didn't want to swap days. And didn't want to compromise by leaving his mum's a bit early.

So. OP's mum in the wrong. OP's dh in the wrong. OP's mil not in the wrong. And jury's still out on whether OP is in the wrong, or unable to stand up to her dp for good reason.

I can see why the OP feels hard done by, tbh - she's said that she feels like an "add-on" in her mother's life, and so she clearly wants to please her, make her mother take an interest, like her more - and her DH didn't facilitate this by falling over himself to accommodate the selfish flaky woman who turned up late on Christmas Eve and expected everyone to change everything for her.

OP's MIL made some effort to accommodate said flaky selfish woman - but flaky selfish woman decided that it wasn't going to work and refused. DH quite possibly got the hump about this and then dug his own heels in.

OP is caught in the middle - she doesn't want to upset her DH, but she wants to play the adoring daughter to flaky selfish mother - and so she has to make a choice. Now she's still pissed off at being forced into making that choice, and thinking she made the wrong one (possibly from later input by selfish flaky mother) and is feeling hard done by by the lot of them.

I think, if the OP has had a lifetime of playing catch up to be noticed/liked/important to her mother, then it's going to be hard for her to suddenly be able to go "you know what, fuck this, you don't get to turn up so late on Christmas Eve and disrupt everything, and expect everyone to be thrilled that you're doing just that. You just don't get to do that. So we'll carry on with our plans, and we'll see you back here on Boxing Day" - and surprise surprise (not), she didn't manage to do that.

So I think she has some reason to feel aggrieved - but the solution is in her hands only - take control, decide what SHE wants to do and do it.

Agreed Thumbwitches.

There is a real all round boundaries issue here. OP your mother has absolutely no respect for you, your family or your plans. You have let this happen by refusing to put any boundaries in place that may have prevented any of this bollocks.

Your MIL has prevented you from being able to think about the Christmas you want in the past. She may have behaved admirably under trying circumstances in this situation, but I imagine her previous domineering behaviour has added to the general frustration that you feel about no-one caring about how you feel and what you want.

Your husband may be very frustrated by the interactions you have with your selfish uncaring mother, but he hasn't helped you verbalise this, and assert your own boundaries in other situations, including with his mother at Christmas and other family plans.

Sad all round really. Both you and your DH have been forced to not think about your own feelings by your selfish parents, and neither of you has the emotional maturity to challenge it in a constructive way.

Out of interest, what did your mum and sister expect to happen on Christmas day? That hasn't really been answered.

I do think the husband is at fault. MIL made two offers to be flexible, but husband was against both of them and he dug in for the long haul on Christmas Day so they didn't get back until late. While I can appreciate that he may have been annoyed with OP's mum for her flakiness and possibly for treating OP poorly. Still, that's not nice when your wife has moved from another country, your wife hasn't really made a great community in your country, you haven't ever spent Christmas with your wife's family and it's always "too expensive" to fly there. It sounds like OP is isolated and her DH is not supportive (at least from this little window into their lives). It's bad enough having a mother who treats you like you're not really important but, once you're married, it's worse if your husband does.

*Husband is at fault as well as the DM

Your mum was rude. What did she think she was doing pitching up last minute like that and putting you all in this position?

And your husband doesn't sound awful. He sounds like someone totally fed up with the way his wife is treated by her family.

Pretty much what Boomboom said.
MIL was lovely enough to offer alternatives, the DH was responsible for that not happening. And spending so many Christmases with his family? Who would want to do that?

That's not to say the OP's mother doesn't bear some responsibility. The OP shouldn't have to be put in the situation of other people having to offer to change their plans because of her mother's lack of organisation.

I think your DH was trying to make the perfectly reasonable point that your mother and sister can't keep you at arm's length than foist themselves on your MIL barely announced. Perhaps you ought to start make plans for Christmas at yours next year including everyone. And if your mother can't commit you should make it clear that she can't simply rock up if she doesn't get a better offer.

How unreasonable your DH is being depends on how often he has been expected to completely change plans because of your mother.

I have a family member who refuses to give us exact dates for visits right up until the night before and then seems surprised when others have plans. I used to try and change those plans but to be honest I've stopped bothering and therefore don't see them that often.

BertrandRussell - DH said he thought it'd be a bad idea for the OP's family to attend MIL's, which the OP agreed with. Given that, the fact the OP's mother didn't want to go and her behaviour generally, he probably had a point.

And I think he was quite right to decline the last-minute date swap. Would have been rude in the extreme to change plans, particularly given that the OP's family were free the next day too.

I'll agree that maybe they could have left a bit earlier, but it doesn't sound like the OP suggested that herself.

Trying to work out who's to blame is probably not going to help. Work out how to communicate more assertively for next time. Say clearly what you want and call people out on their unacceptable behaviour.

Thank you to all the people who took the time to reply. My head is literally spinning just trying to keep up with who said what. If I latched on to the answers that were ’on my side’, is it really that surprising?

If you read my original post carefully you can see that I am in no way blaming my MIL. She has a track record of dominating Christmas but did nothing wrong on this occasion. In fact she was very gracious. She knows how badly I have wanted to spend a Christmas with my family over the years and I think that is why she offered two perfectly good solutions. My DH was a stubborn arse in refusing to change the plan (he is as terrified of upsetting his mother as I am mine). Yes my mother is a flakey pain in the arse who expects the world to revolve around her and I'm angry about that.
To give you some background, I have spent most of my life missing her, with the exception of a few self absorbed years in early adulthood. She had me very young and my grandparents took over. She is the most loving and affectionate mother when I have her full attention, but it is fleeting. That kind of makes it worse. If she was horrible to me or cold and critical I doubt I'd miss her so much. My dad was hardly around either. They split after only a couple of years. So between them they did a grand job on my self esteem. It has left me with a crippling inability to speak up about what I want. Perhaps I fear if I do it will push people further away?
(It has also made me fiercely determined to provide my children with stability. So some good has come out of the bad.)
DH and I do not communicate well. It's an ongoing struggle. I have plenty more questions to post on that (his parents left him with relatives too during his teens but that's another subject).

One thing I do wonder... about the judgemental responses I got that blamed me for being a pushover and said it was all my fault. What stage in life are they at? Those are the kinds of answers I might have given when I was in the early stages of marriage and parenthood. Still at the stage when I thought I was in control and my life had the potential to turn out like I pictured it in my head. The stage where I thought I could get better communication out of my husband if I put enough effort into talking...
I kind of miss that optimistic me.

Ooh I almost forgot. When I did try to talk to my DH in January about how upset I was at leaving my mum and sis on Christmas Day, it did not go well. The highlight of that talk was him saying he wished my mum was dead, like my dad, that way it wouldn't be an issue.

it sounds in a way that you need a chat with your mother in law, who although overbearing, sounds like the sanest person in this setting. Could you talk to her a little how you feel: that you have a tricky relationship with your own mother, you love your mum in law and think she's great. and could she give you advice on how to make Christmas so wonderful for the family as she does. And gently ask for a bit of space in which to do that?

I feel bad for your MIL and DH. They were put in a really awkward position by your family and I really hope you didn't sulk at MILs on the day because you wanted to be with your mum. Christmas is planned way in advance. It doesn't matter how many Christmases you've had with one or the other families it's about honouring the commitment. I'd be livid if my Christmas plans were changed on the day/night before.

Ok i have been married 15 years and my eldest is 13. Not sure if that life stage matches yours.

Tbh if a poster posted gere saying they made plans to go to their own mums for christmas and mil turned up at last minute and refused to join them (which is ehat happened to you husband) posters would by lining up to say 'go to your mums. Your mil is rude for just expecting plans to be changed at last minute' etc.

And if a poster said 'mil arranged things last minute and we had arranged to have her over on boxing day. I had bought food ajd was planning on cooking a nice lunch, she called in the mornimg and offered to take dh and his brother out for lunch instead....no mention of me or the kids or the fact i had already planned lunch and she had agreed'

Again people would be calling mil all sorts. The person to blame here is your mum. You may be desperate to spend christmas with her, so tell her. She is just flitting in and out whenever she wants and expecting everyone to change their plans. I imagine your husband is getting fed up of it.

Your DH's response to your chat was utterly horrible. What he basically means is "your mother makes MY life harder than it needs to be, so I would rather she wasn't around at all" - which is incredibly selfish of him.

You do all sound quite damaged by your upbringings (or relative lack thereof!) - have you ever been to counselling? Sounds like you could really benefit from it (and so could your DH).

Again though - and this really isn't a criticism of what HAS happened, but is a pointer to how you can potentially change things - NEXT Christmas, make your own plans and TELL everyone that it is What You Will Be Doing, and stick to it.