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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Online first date and he expects me to go all the way to London for a coffee?!!!

91 replies

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:06

I'd never done online dating before but since my life has got quick mundane and no opportunity to meet someone I thought I'd give it a go. Among the hundreds of men who just want sex I found a lovely guy who I've actually been enjoying the company of. I'm from the outskirts of Manchester and he's from Essex.

After speaking a few times on the phone, he has asked me on a date. He said we should meet in London. He suggested a day of activities but I suggested a coffee to start off with (my thinking is it's a quick get away if there's no chemistry).

The thing is im a social worker but only part time so that's quite a chunk of money to find to go all the way over there just for a coffee date. In his mind he probably think Manchester means a direct train straight to London but as I'm in the outskirts in 29 mins to even get to the main station and then 2 hours on the train to London. With waiting time it's over a 3 hour journey.

He lives in Essex so is 40 mins away from the destination.

I have been on a date before with a guy from London and he came to Manchester to see me. I also met a guy from Berkshire and he met me half way.

I think it's a bit unfair to expect me to go all the way to London but I'm not used to online dating so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable with this.

He's a researcher at a University so not poor.

Why do you lot think? AIBU to not want to go all he at to London?

Of course I can talk to him and explain how far it is, but don't want to do that if going to London is fair enough. I don't want to miss out on the date as he does seem great.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:06

Quite not quick!

OP posts:
Katy07 · 10/02/2017 18:08

If you hit it off and decide to go forward are you going to be happy travelling all that way (at least half the time) to see him? It sounds like hard work to me. Aren't there any decent men closer to you??

CactusFred · 10/02/2017 18:08

Could you suggest Birmingham instead?
Seems a fairer distance.

Whocansay · 10/02/2017 18:08

I think this is a non starter. Why make trouble for yourself dating someone who lives so far away? Find someone closer to home.

MsVanRein · 10/02/2017 18:09

He obviously likes you and has suggested day of activities as he presumes you'll get on well. Since your happier with coffee (good idea - just in case) I would just say to him that it's a long journey for you and can you meet somewhere in the middle for this first date and then if things go well you will head to London for the day next time. I'm sure he will understand Smile

tiredofhavingtothinkofnewnames · 10/02/2017 18:10

He's a researcher at a University so not poor.

You will probably earn more than him if you work full time. Not his fault that you work part time. Researchers are not well paid.

I have been on a date before with a guy from London and he came to Manchester to see me.

So you expect someone else to do what you are now refusing to do?

Pineappletastic · 10/02/2017 18:10

Just reply 'London is more than a three hour trip for me, could we meet somewhere more in the middle?' Do a bit of google map checking so so can suggest places.

Original poster
user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:11

Well I'm really unhappy in manchester. I hate it here so I'm certainly planning on moving southwards very soon anyway.

As soon as I get a job in the area I will be gone!

So I'm not going to let that stop me.

I would be happy to meet half way on a regular basis and if we really got on spend a day days there and visit on cheap tickets.

That's not an issue.

I just think it's a bit cheeky to ask me to come to London. It's put me off him a little.

There are other places that are sort of half way.

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 10/02/2017 18:12

Meet in the middle, Birmingham perhaps?

But not sure how viable it is long term either. You could reasonably be making the trip half of the time, say 4 hours if you have to go into Manchester, down to London, then out to Essex

lubeybooby · 10/02/2017 18:12

you can get really cheap tickets between cities sometimes, far enough in advance and if you do the bit from outskirts to centre separately (booking online)

I'd go on a £12/15 quid advance ticket special yeah - the time it takes wouldn't bother me otherwise why bother looking so far afield as essex anyway

but yeah anyway, only on a cheapo ticket :)

Heirhelp · 10/02/2017 18:12

I don't think with that kind of distance it is going to work. Just suggest something which is in the middle.

Original poster
user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:12

The guy offered to Come to Manchester that time. I never asked and in fact suggested somewhere in the middle of us. I'd never expect anyone to travel from the south to Manchester for a date.

He insisted on coming to me.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 10/02/2017 18:13

Well, where would it be easier to meet? Wouldn't halfway mean getting off a train that you are already on?
Essex is a big place - whereabouts is he?

You don't have to go along with his suggestion, google to see where is halfway.

MadHattersWineParty · 10/02/2017 18:14

meet in the middle but seems a huge palava- why would you actively choose to date someone who would end up being a long distance thing if it did work out?

I'll bet he doesn't earn as much as you think, as a university researcher.

2014newme · 10/02/2017 18:14

You live too far apart I would knock it in the head

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 10/02/2017 18:14

I've never been on an online date so I don't know the etiquette but I think I would tell him that after checking you've realised its a 6 hour round trip and ask him to meet you half way.

DaphneDeLaFontaine · 10/02/2017 18:14

Fuck that.

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander · 10/02/2017 18:15

I agree that a university researcher will probably not be paid more than a social worker and Essex is an expensive place to live. Try looking for somewhere that will be equally close for both of you, but that probably is going to mean a 3 hour round trip for you both, and a date a couple of weeks in advance so you can prebook cheap train tickets.

TheNaze73 · 10/02/2017 18:15

So it's ok for him to come to you but, not vice versa?? As Cactus said, maybe meet half way like Birmingham

AyeAmarok · 10/02/2017 18:15

Would you prefer he came all the way to Manchester for a coffee?

It was you who suggested coffee!

I don't understand

everybodysang · 10/02/2017 18:15

Depends where in Essex he is and if he regularly comes into London. I'm in Essex and work in London so have a season ticket but if I just wanted to buy a return it's over £50. I travel to Manchester quite often for work and it's often cheaper to go Manchester to London return than it is from my neck of the woods into London.

If someone asked me to go to Birmingham
for a date - now THAT would put me off (sorry Brummies, just kidding)

Original poster
user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:16

He's 40 mins away from London Euston.

Birmingham is midway.

Milton Keynes is further but not quite as far as London for me.

OP posts:
sonyaya · 10/02/2017 18:16

It isn't overly chivalrous but if he distance doesn't otherwise put you off, don't rule him out. It may be he suggested London as he had somewhere good he wanted to take you when it was a day thing?

He might not be very good at the dating game. Take it from a Tinder veteran, those "good" at dating aren't always the good'uns.

I agree, suggest Birmingham.

TwentyCups · 10/02/2017 18:18

He quite possibly is assuming Manchester to London will be a simple quick journey, if he's not looked previously. Suggest somewhere easier for you to meet and take it from there.

Original poster
user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:19

I have NEVER EVER suggested he should come to me. Weird that people have come to that conclusion.

My thinking is I feel he should have suggested somewhere in between us both. Not a 40 mins journey for him and 3 hours for me! That's quite an imbalance.

I will hopefully soon be moving up to the south of England so if we work out that won't be an issue long term but for now I'm in Manchester.

OP posts: