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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Online first date and he expects me to go all the way to London for a coffee?!!!

91 replies

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:06

I'd never done online dating before but since my life has got quick mundane and no opportunity to meet someone I thought I'd give it a go. Among the hundreds of men who just want sex I found a lovely guy who I've actually been enjoying the company of. I'm from the outskirts of Manchester and he's from Essex.

After speaking a few times on the phone, he has asked me on a date. He said we should meet in London. He suggested a day of activities but I suggested a coffee to start off with (my thinking is it's a quick get away if there's no chemistry).

The thing is im a social worker but only part time so that's quite a chunk of money to find to go all the way over there just for a coffee date. In his mind he probably think Manchester means a direct train straight to London but as I'm in the outskirts in 29 mins to even get to the main station and then 2 hours on the train to London. With waiting time it's over a 3 hour journey.

He lives in Essex so is 40 mins away from the destination.

I have been on a date before with a guy from London and he came to Manchester to see me. I also met a guy from Berkshire and he met me half way.

I think it's a bit unfair to expect me to go all the way to London but I'm not used to online dating so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable with this.

He's a researcher at a University so not poor.

Why do you lot think? AIBU to not want to go all he at to London?

Of course I can talk to him and explain how far it is, but don't want to do that if going to London is fair enough. I don't want to miss out on the date as he does seem great.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 10/02/2017 18:57

'FOR' OLD.
Sorry!

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2017 18:58

I live in Milton Keynes, there are lots of nice bars, restaurants, and shopping there.

Snowflakes1122 · 10/02/2017 18:58

Glad you won't be put off user

if you have a good feeling about it, go with it!

piginboots · 10/02/2017 18:59

No idea why you're getting such a hard time OP .

I'd suggest meeting somewhere in the middle for a first date at least. Do you know Birmingham at all? Or anywhere else suitable?

Agree with other PPS that he probably doesn't get paid much as a researcher, so guessing you'll both need to sort out advance tickets.

ThinEndAOfSlipperySlope · 10/02/2017 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 10/02/2017 19:02

This is the key point here :

The thing is you are seeking out a life in the south of England, you are seeking men to date in the south of England, then it seems logical that you would want to date in the south.

If you plan to be down south and that's the direction you see your life going, then I think you go there

I wouldn't travel all that way for a date, but then I would have thought of that before getting interested.

You can't really have it both ways - expecting not to travel when you are choosing to date someone from so far away.

No offence to anyone here who is from Milton Keynes, but I'd rather travel the extra hour and go to spend a day in London, than save myself that hour and get to spend the day in Milton Keynes

BackforGood · 10/02/2017 19:04

People suggesting to not see him because of distance are being ridiculous.

But we aren't the ones complaining about travelling to meet him! You are!

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 19:05

That's different backforgood

I'm
More than happy to date someone who lives a distance away.

My issue is the first date and him not suggesting to meet somewhere half way and choosing somewhere that's near for him and far for me.

Two COMPELTELY different issues.

OP posts:

Lostwithinthehills · 10/02/2017 19:07

If he lives in Colchester it will take over 90 minutes for him to travel by train and tube to Euston.

Gabilan · 10/02/2017 19:07

I can vouch for uni researchers based at my uni earning in the region of 25 - 38k

Likewise. I'm not sure where the argument that uni researchers don't earn that much comes from. The most comfortably off I've ever been was when I was doing uni research.

Maybe he's just not bothered about chivalry. As concepts go, it's so old-fashioned it is actually medieval. Also I expect he suggested London because if you're going to go a long way, it might as well be somewhere worth travelling to. I think if you're going to date long-distance you have to be prepared for more than just a coffee date.

Personally OP I'd avoid all the angst by waiting to date until I'd moved. Otherwise yes, just suggest somewhere half way-ish that is nonetheless somewhere with stuff to do.

SuffolkingGrand · 10/02/2017 19:10

Well don't go then. To be quite frank if you can even decide for yourself whether it was or wasnt his idea or whatever, then you're probably best off not bothering

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 10/02/2017 19:12

Take it from a Tinder veteran, those "good" at dating aren't always the good'uns.
Wise, wise words.

Give him the benefit of the doubt. He probably just hasn't realised quite what a trek it would be for you, and got excited about planning a day out in London.

Just suggest a suitable place for coffee half way between you both. His reaction to that will be very telling I think.

Good luck!

GiddyGiddyGoat · 10/02/2017 19:12

God you sound hard work OP.

habibihabibi · 10/02/2017 19:16

Wow 3 hrs for a date!
When I lived in London I wouldn't even date someone who lived out of mine or neighboring boroughs given that so much time would be wasted traveling .

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 10/02/2017 19:16

So you're issue seems to be he's suggested meeting somewhere that you think is an unfair destination due to your respective travelling times. But you've them gone on to say it will only take him 40 mins to get from Essex to Euston. It really won't. Did he say this or are you looking at train timetables? You also he is in Colchester but do you know exactly how close he is and how he plans to travel? Only asking be has ever I used to live in a village in Essex, not too far from Colchester, and it took about an hour on public transport to get to a mainline station and then another hour or so to get in to London Liverpool Street, which is obviously a fair way from Euston. Maybe he's not being as unfair as you think?

leghoul · 10/02/2017 19:17

I'd think Manchester to London is pretty simple and can be booked online in advance at quite a decent price - I wouldn't let that put you off him, it makes logical sense to me but I'm from London so perhaps my view is distorted!

mimishimmi · 10/02/2017 19:20

"He's a researcher at a University so not poor."

I wish there was a ROTFL emoticon.

Just ask him if you can meet him halfway somewhere.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 10/02/2017 19:24

Try www.whatshalfway.com/
for suggestions where to meet. Useful site - good luck!

voddiekeepsmesane · 10/02/2017 19:25

All this angst for no reason! FFS just say no London is too far for first date and suggest a midway point. If he isn't up for that then he isn't he one. Why all the woe is me type post. If you can't articulate what you desire now what is the point of carrying on?

Verbena37 · 10/02/2017 19:28

You can live in Essex and be only minutes by car to Cambridge for a fab day out without even needing to go to London or you can live in Essex and live right on the beach- do you know where in Essex he lives because you don't necessarily need to go into London.

If you like him, your three hour travelling time will be worth it if he turns out to be lovely. Then next time, he can travel up to you or meet in the middle etc.
If not, you don't have to go again and you'll have only paid/travelled once.

He could be The One.

underneaththeash · 10/02/2017 19:31

I think you live to far away to just meet for coffee. Even if its a disaster, half a day out of your life isn't too bad and there's quite a lot to do in London. I'd just go bak to his original suggestion of activities and then at least you'll know if he's worth meeting up with again.

BipBippadotta · 10/02/2017 19:34

He made the effort to think of a day's worth of fun things you could do in London; you didn't want a day's worth of fun things, you just wanted a coffee. Fair enough.

The destination was his original suggestion, the brief get-to-know-you chat over coffee was your requirement. You can always suggest somewhere else (though frankly all that travel to sit for an hour over a lukewarm latte in Milton Keynes sounds wrist-slittingly bleak for a first date, and a little part of me might die inside if someone I'd hoped to spend a day doing fun things with in a big city suggested this instead).

ferriswheel · 10/02/2017 19:36

He's annoyed you already. Forget about him.

I'm a bitter soon to be divorcée.

allchattedout · 10/02/2017 19:37

Is there any reason why you need to go for London for something else? Maybe to visit a friend, shopping or sorting something else out? In that case, I would do the coffee at the same time, so that you don't end up doing a 6 hour round trip just for a coffee with someone who could be a twat (but could also be The One, so I do think you should meet).

MrsNuckyThompson · 10/02/2017 19:39

Sorry so he suggested a day of activities, you reject that idea and suggest coffee and then YOU expect HIM to travel to you just for that.

Get a grip. Yabvu!!

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