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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Online first date and he expects me to go all the way to London for a coffee?!!!

91 replies

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:06

I'd never done online dating before but since my life has got quick mundane and no opportunity to meet someone I thought I'd give it a go. Among the hundreds of men who just want sex I found a lovely guy who I've actually been enjoying the company of. I'm from the outskirts of Manchester and he's from Essex.

After speaking a few times on the phone, he has asked me on a date. He said we should meet in London. He suggested a day of activities but I suggested a coffee to start off with (my thinking is it's a quick get away if there's no chemistry).

The thing is im a social worker but only part time so that's quite a chunk of money to find to go all the way over there just for a coffee date. In his mind he probably think Manchester means a direct train straight to London but as I'm in the outskirts in 29 mins to even get to the main station and then 2 hours on the train to London. With waiting time it's over a 3 hour journey.

He lives in Essex so is 40 mins away from the destination.

I have been on a date before with a guy from London and he came to Manchester to see me. I also met a guy from Berkshire and he met me half way.

I think it's a bit unfair to expect me to go all the way to London but I'm not used to online dating so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable with this.

He's a researcher at a University so not poor.

Why do you lot think? AIBU to not want to go all he at to London?

Of course I can talk to him and explain how far it is, but don't want to do that if going to London is fair enough. I don't want to miss out on the date as he does seem great.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 10/02/2017 18:19

Well I think YABU

Firstly - as someone has pointed out upthread - University Researcher's pay is really poor, so you probably earn more than him. Not that that is important at the moment, but just letting you know.

2ndly - He did suggest a day of activities, which seems pretty sensible to me if you are travelling all that way. Obvs if you felt uncomfortable you could still bail out, but it's not him suggesting you travel all that way for a coffee

3rdly Did this not occur to you when you first started chatting ?? In terms of money, it's prob cheaper for one of you to do the whole journey each time - if you think you are prepared to commit to this - than both of you doing 'half way' journeys each time. Most people also feel more comfortable in places they know (unless they are going to 'see' the new place as it were) so it makes a lot more sense in my mind for you to go to him and him to come to you than both of you roaming the streets in a town / city you don't know on a regular basis (if it works out).

Still think it comes back to it being odd starting to date someone who lives that far away though particularly as you don't want to travel.

HelloCanYouHearMe · 10/02/2017 18:23

I can vouch for uni researchers based at my uni earning in the region of 25 - 38k

So no, not exactly poor

HelloCanYouHearMe · 10/02/2017 18:24

But not really the point here

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:25

It's irritating how people keep saying I shouldn't date someone who lives so far away when I've said several times my plan is to move down south as I'm unhappy in Manchester anyway.

It would be worse to date someone in my local area knowing I plan to move. My job is temporary here and I have applied for jobs in London already. So a move south is very very likely.

The distance is not an issue at all.

My only issue really is I feel it isn't very chivalrous. I find that a little off putting. I don't want to rule him out over it. I won't. I just think it suggests he's a bit selfish.

If the date goes well it may well turn into a day of activities. But I suggested coffee incase there's no chemistry and we can both make a speedy exit!

OP posts:

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:25

I didn't say he was rich. Just not poor. In other words he can afford a train ticket!

OP posts:

LaGattaNera · 10/02/2017 18:34

You are right, it isn't chivalrous and you are doing the bulk of travelling - it would put me off - many times with men (not OLD), I have ignored early red flags. I understand you may well move south and therefore are happy to meet a bloke based there but ideally one who will pull his weight as regards sharing the travel time. London is advantageous to him. Ask him once to meet you halfway and if he even hesitates, then I'm sorry but he is selfish and I would move on in your shoes as he may be selfish as regards other things in my experience.

TatianaLarina · 10/02/2017 18:44

Just say no. I'm not sure how this has got as far as a question on a forum tbh.

There's no way I'd travel for nearly 3 hours for a guy who was only offering to travel 40 mins.

I understand you want to move but honestly it would be more sensible to date nearby for the moment.

TheProblemOfSusan · 10/02/2017 18:45

Excellent advice LaGattaNera. He may have just been thinking "oh lots to do in London" and know it well so he can show you a fun day but if you explain about the travel and suggest a compromise and be balks, maybe not quite for you.

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:47

It's 3 hours from Colchester where he lives, to Birmingham. So that rules that out.

It will take him over an hour to get to The London station we are meeting in so he probably considers that station as fairly mid distance. it will take me around 2 hours to get to London thought so he's put himself at an advantage.

The reason I've not questioned this before is I didn't know if I was being unreasonable to not go.

OP posts:

GatoradeMeBitch · 10/02/2017 18:47

Suggest you meet in Birmingham. If he throws his toys out of the pram you know you just had a lucky escape.

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:48

3 not 2 hours. Sorry

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 10/02/2017 18:48

Why don't you just tell him you'll call him when you do move south?

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:48

Birmingham is 3 hours for him. I wouldn't expect him to do that.

OP posts:

KungFuEric · 10/02/2017 18:48

The thing is you are seeking out a life in the south of England, you are seeking men to date in the south of England, then it seems logical that you would want to date in the south.

If you plan to be down south and that's the direction you see your life going, then I think you go there.

ilovesooty · 10/02/2017 18:48

So what happened to Mr Chivalrous who insisted on travelling to Manchester to have coffee with you?

BakeOffBiscuits · 10/02/2017 18:49

I was going to say he may have just thought London was a fab place to meet, so like TheProblem has said, suggest you meet half way and see what he says.

5moreminutes · 10/02/2017 18:50

Perhaps suggesting a day of activities in London is the point (maybe he was going to offer to pay as you'd had to shell out for the train...).

It absolutely isn't worth it for a coffee date, but to be fair you suggested that, not him. He may be sitting there wondering why you would do a 4-6 hour round trip to London just for a coffee...

Were the activities he suggested things you can only do in London?

Whocansay · 10/02/2017 18:51

I really don't understand why you don't just suggest meeting him somewhere where you feel more comfortable. It doesn't need all this hand wringing. Then, if he can't be bothered to meet halfway, you know he isn't worth it. At the moment, he simply may not have thought about the additional travel or cost for you. He might just think it would be nice to meet in London! Talk to him FFS.

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:51

Yes he may have just not thought and felt London would be the most exciting. He does seem very interested.

I will suggest Milton Keynes. That's 2 hours for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:53

I didn't discuss anything with him so far as I didn't know if I was being unreasonable. Not that hard to understand.

I'm capable of talking to him. Just don't get OLD and didn't know what was normal.

OP posts:

Snowflakes1122 · 10/02/2017 18:55

Don't be put off by distance! If I had of been out of, me and DH wouldn't be together now with three children and one on the way.
He was in Portsmouth and me in Glasgow.
We agreed on a half way point to meet then alternated to weekends north or south.

Snowflakes1122 · 10/02/2017 18:56

Put off not out of

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2017 18:56

I would ask him to Mabey meet half way, say Milton Keynes, Northampton, if it's no, then that would be a dealbreaker.

Whocansay · 10/02/2017 18:56

I don't think here IS a normal or OLD. You just have to do what feels comfortable for you.

Original poster

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:56

snowflakes. I certainly won't be. People suggesting to not see him because of distance are being ridiculous.

My parents were on different continents for 4 years. They've been married for 35 years.

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