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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Online first date and he expects me to go all the way to London for a coffee?!!!

91 replies

user1486749463 · 10/02/2017 18:06

I'd never done online dating before but since my life has got quick mundane and no opportunity to meet someone I thought I'd give it a go. Among the hundreds of men who just want sex I found a lovely guy who I've actually been enjoying the company of. I'm from the outskirts of Manchester and he's from Essex.

After speaking a few times on the phone, he has asked me on a date. He said we should meet in London. He suggested a day of activities but I suggested a coffee to start off with (my thinking is it's a quick get away if there's no chemistry).

The thing is im a social worker but only part time so that's quite a chunk of money to find to go all the way over there just for a coffee date. In his mind he probably think Manchester means a direct train straight to London but as I'm in the outskirts in 29 mins to even get to the main station and then 2 hours on the train to London. With waiting time it's over a 3 hour journey.

He lives in Essex so is 40 mins away from the destination.

I have been on a date before with a guy from London and he came to Manchester to see me. I also met a guy from Berkshire and he met me half way.

I think it's a bit unfair to expect me to go all the way to London but I'm not used to online dating so I don't know if I'm being unreasonable with this.

He's a researcher at a University so not poor.

Why do you lot think? AIBU to not want to go all he at to London?

Of course I can talk to him and explain how far it is, but don't want to do that if going to London is fair enough. I don't want to miss out on the date as he does seem great.

OP posts:

allchattedout · 10/02/2017 19:40

Also, maybe skype him before you meet. You can get a much better sense of chemistry and will (kinda) see if he lives up to expectations. Then you can decide whether he is worth the trek to London.

SavageBeauty73 · 10/02/2017 19:40

FaceTime first.

bumsexatthebingo · 10/02/2017 19:41

Coventry, Watford? I'd definitely suggest meeting in the middle. Yanbu at all. Hope he's worth the trvelling!

HelloCanYouHearMe · 10/02/2017 19:43

Don't meet in Coventry

Its not nice

yes i live here

daisychain01 · 10/02/2017 19:46

Glad you aren't put off by distance, user148, my DH and I decided to take a chance on LDR (110 miles apart) and here we are 10ys later!

I think your situation is skewed by the fact that both of you will have awful (and probably expensive) journeys to meet each other. DH and I only had 52 miles each, mainly on motorway, so we didn't have that dilemma. By the end of Date 1 we were hooked.

I'd get yourself settled in your new location before you heap on the added complexity of dating to the stress of moving.

RedSauce · 10/02/2017 19:52

Just find somebody to date in/around Manchester. It's a pretty big place, plenty of guys out there.

HellonHeels · 10/02/2017 19:55

TBH if you're not liking his approach before you've even met I'd jack it in as bad job.

A postdoc researcher might earn up to 30k; if he's a PhD student surviving on a grant + teaching it could be a lot less. Plus SE housing costs are high. I'd imagine social work jobs are fairly easy to get in the SE? Maybe move and then date?

Olympiathequeen · 10/02/2017 20:01

Not worth the effort or the money.

Gabilan · 10/02/2017 20:05

I've interviewed for postdoc positions paying around £35k. It's hardly minimum wage and it's well above average. No, he's not going to be suggesting stays in Trump Towers but it's insulting to say he's not reasonably well off.

Anyway, OP I agree with PP - for long distance dates it's good to combine things with another reason for the trip. So you're not travelling 2-3 hours for a coffee date, but rather going for a coffee date and then to see an exhibition you're really keen on, or seeing friends.

Olympiathequeen · 10/02/2017 20:06

Whoops. Posted on the wrong page.!,

Meant to say here it's a better idea to face time for a couple of weeks to get to know each other better and then meet somewhere half way or in London provided you have arranged somewhere to stay overnight so you are not left in an awkward situation if it's not working for you. If you are thinking of moving to a specific area maybe arrange to meet there?

KingMortificadosMistress · 10/02/2017 20:11

Personally I wouldn't bother meeting him at all - although this comes with the caveat that I may be overly jaded about OLD!

The fact he has suggested you make all the effort is a bad sign to me. It's more than just "not chivalrous"; it suggests he's not really that bothered - which could mean anyone of a number of things - none of which are good: that he's selfish, he sees himself as the prize, that he's doing tons of OLD for a shag so organises it so the women all come to him for his convenience, he's not that serious about meeting someone and so on.

I adopted a policy of not engaging with anyone who wasn't conveniently located for a bunch of reasons. Many because going to meet someone for a first dates is frankly a drag. It's like job interview both ways. You don't know until you meet if you are going to have any kind of attraction or chemisty. And it is really fucking dull having to push through a coffee/drink until it's polite to leave if there is none.

Most of the time (for me anyway and I was very fussy about who I met) they were men I wouldn't want to see again - so it was a waste of time. I resent travelling a long way for something that is most likely to be a waste of time (it's hard to meet someone with 2 way chemistry which is why when it happens it's special; this in turn means the odds are you are going for a meeting in which there is no future). To minimise my time wasted, I would not travel all that way myself at all.

I know what you say about planning to move but doesn't that make it all the more pointless for you. I just would get on with enjoying your life right now rather than speculatively trying to meet someone where you don't know where you are exactly going to me.

I'd throw this one back. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Amberbunny · 10/02/2017 20:13

If this is in the near future and at a weekend it will take him longer than 40 minutes and be a horrible journey due to rail replacement service.
He is looking at transport to station, train, coach, tube, tube.
How long have you been in contact?
I agree Skype/FaceTime first.

GabsAlot · 10/02/2017 20:13

i met my dh online our first meet was in london hes from wales im from essex-he didnt seem to mind

roundaboutthetown · 10/02/2017 20:20

It seems very unfair to me you are annoyed with him for suggesting a day of activities somewhere he feels confident in taking you around, especially as you then suggested a ridiculously long journey for one or both of you just for a coffee. If you are planning on moving to London, anyway, why on earth the reticence to see a bit of London?! If you don't get on with him, you've hardly wasted your time travelling down to your future home, have you? Whereas Birmingham or Milton Keynes are probably a waste of time going to for both of you, if neither of you knows what you want to do there, beyond drinking coffee, and neither of you ever wants to live there. I think your reasoning is extremely uncharitable and don't think his original suggestion was remotely selfish. Now for you to suggest something slightly more imaginative and reasonable than both having a long journey to somewhere neither of you really wants to be just in order to have a drink.

blueshoes · 10/02/2017 20:57

Agree with allchattedout. Combine the coffee with another reason to visit London, so you don't over-invest in him. Expect to be wowed by him and the next date, suggest somewhere nearer you if you still inclined to continue to see him.

It could be that he knows London well and is more confident of being able to show you a good time there, than say Birmingham. He might just want to be able to impress you!

Ethylred · 10/02/2017 23:30

Tomayto tomahto, potayto potahto, let's call the whole thing off.

Because you haven't even met him and already you resent him.

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