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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To completely ignore this massive hint?

446 replies

Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 12:32

Do not to drip feed dh and I don't have a close relationship with bil and sil.

We have fundamentally different views of parenting and there was some weirdness around gift giving on our dds bday and Christmas last year.

Not heard from them since Christmas Day again not unusual we generally hear from them at birthdays and Christmas and if we bump into each other at inlaws it's smiling nodding and being polite.

To try and formulate a bond between our dd and dn we've facilitated a few sleepovers at ours and tbh it was bloody awful dn is spiteful, destructive and generally a pain so after the last one we (dh and I) said no more.

Had text today from bil saying "dn would love to come yours to see dds room again as she had lots of fun last time" no hi how are u nothing

Dn is 4.5 and dd is 2.5 so they're not close in age last time she was here she pulled dds pigtails and made her cry, stamped on and broke a toy and ripped up the toy money from dds till. Dh was cooking and I was playing with them but she'd done all of them before I could stop her and then smirked at me after.

Aibu to ignore his text

OP posts:
HecateAntaia · 10/02/2017 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouWillNotSeeMe · 10/02/2017 16:15

Sorry thread moved in by the time ny slow fingers posted my reply!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 16:16

Pickle - Christmas was what we expected, my dd didn't notice really and smiled and thanked them for a lovely gift.

Boxing Day with out them was lovely 😂

OP posts:
Smitff · 10/02/2017 16:17

Nice. Appreciate this is family so don't want to be out and out rude. Well pitched. But you shouldn't get into the habit of using DD as an excuse. I've learned from experience that as they get older they start saying things like "no I didn't!" Or "but that's what you told me to say!" Grin

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/02/2017 16:17

I love all the 'direct' answers but I can see why the Op is trying to keep it civil for the sake of a wider family fall out .

Rachel0Greep · 10/02/2017 16:18

Haha, I can just see him coming back with DN would love to join you on Monday... Grin

HollyJollyDillydolly · 10/02/2017 16:19

Your bill sounds like mine in the way he words his messages so there's no option to refuse.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 16:20

There's no developmental delay with dn from going to friends houses on play dates I've realised that my dd doesn't really play with young toys

She plays dress up and make believe, cafes with her kitchen, she plays with dolls, likes board games and playing vets.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 10/02/2017 16:21

Sounds to me like DN is jealous of DD (possibly fuelled by bitch SIL saying DD is spoiled etc) and wants her toys instead of her own. Instead of BIL dealing with that, he is giving in to her demands and trying to get you to do that same.

harleysmammy · 10/02/2017 16:22

I dont think its unreasonable to ignore him or say "your daughter was nasty and mean". I wouldnt say about the being too young thing because if you've had sleepovers before for her, thats not very logical. I wouldnt let my niece anywhere near my son if she was that spiteful, i wouldnt care less if it caused an argument or an atmosphere. No one would talk to my son like that and then be allowed to spend time with him, she doesnt sound like the sort of person your daughter needs in her life. X

Funnyonion17 · 10/02/2017 16:22

Tbh this isn't your battle. Your DH needs to tell his brother to back off.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/02/2017 16:24

There isnt developmental delay but you could get them to back off if you implied that there might be........

"DN wants to play DDs toys"
"Yes, she is quite babyish for her age isnt she?"

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/02/2017 16:24

Oh, I didn't think there was any developmental delay! It was just a passive-aggressive dig at this faux-excitement his daughter hasnot about DD's toys. Purely designed to piss him off.

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 16:25

Pyong- they're just kids their relationship is relatively new as while bil was nc with mil we didn't really see them either in my dds first year of life they saw her twice and sil wouldn't acknowledge her.

It's only been since the later half of last year we've had contact with dn prior to that bil would turn up and collect birthday presents and they didn't come to my dds first birthday and didn't tell us until 2 hours before.

The girls are still working out how they fit faith each other

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 10/02/2017 16:26

I suppose I am dragging it out but part of me thinks their cheek is h
hilarious.

Fair play if you're enjoying stringing them along. Grin

I like your last response, only I would leave out the first para. Your weekends
aren't their business.

EmeraldScorn · 10/02/2017 16:28

She's barely 5 years of age, you can't really hold a grudge against her for not being well behaved; I'm sure your own daughter will have her less than perfect moments in the not too distant future.

You can't avoid them permanently, Although I would say that in this particular instance they are just in need of a babysitter!

What I would do is arrange to see them but make sure the parents stay and that way if there are any issues with behaviour it can be addressed on the spot; You really should have told them of how she had carried on the last time, too late now.

I wouldn't be too quick to write-off a child just because her mum is a cow though; You can interact with them without commiting to sleep overs/childcare.

Every1lovesPatsy · 10/02/2017 16:35

I think you have a part to play in all of this too, you are quite gleeful about the on-going texts and dragging it out.

You are deliberately being obtuse. Would it not be more respectful if you were open, honest and fair about the whole thing. Mention the age gap and the upset and that it didn't work out very well the last time, and maybe in a few years when both girls can be reasoned with sleepovers and play dates will work out better.

00100001 · 10/02/2017 16:35

emerald "What I would do is arrange to see them but make sure the parents stay and that way if there are any issues with behaviour it can be addressed on the spot"

OR SIL and BIL will sit there doing SFA whilst their kids breaks stuff etc, probably smiling indulgently going "oh, aren't they wilful at this age" or "she didn't MEAN to smash that toy car in your kids face, you're over reacting, it;s only a small cut after all, her right eye hasn't even come out of it's socket!"

Best to meet them in neutral ground, such as parents etc, and then judge form afar!

IMissGrannyW · 10/02/2017 16:35

I think the texts are brilliant, nuanced and hilarious. Don't know how to do a trophy emoticon, but have a Star

I love how he's just not letting it go, and agree sounds like he wants a night out with the missus for Valentines (or else she does!)

Loving this thread, and the way it keeps on giving. Has anyone thought to bring any popcorn?

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/02/2017 16:36

I just cant help thinking that SIL is fuelling the fire of jealousy here, especially after you said that SIL didnt even acknowledge DD. I wonder if SIL hates that her DD isnt the only grandchild, there is someone in my extended family like that. She went NC with her sibling when sibling announced her pg, said sibling was selfish making the (then) only grandchild share her grandparents!

Original poster
Nicpem1982 · 10/02/2017 16:37

Emerald I'm not writing her off as I posted earlier I'm sure she will grow into a lovely young lady

It's awkward when we socialise together as a 6 as sil doesn't speak to dh or me and when we try we get one word answers or she just talks complete crap so no one gets a word in so after a while you feel like you've been assaulted so no one has a very nice time

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/02/2017 16:38

That's a better message, OP. Hopefully they will finally understand you!
Good call on telling them where to get similar presents for their own DD - that way she can trash them on her own time and money, rather than yours. Ha!

I just don't get how anyone could be so persistent in the face of your replies - most well-mannered people would have taken the hint the first time! (Well, most well-mannered people woudln't have sent the first text, but never mind!)

Hope they take umbrage and don't contact you again. For heaven's sake don't tell them where/what you're doing on Monday.

AGirlsNameIsAryaStark · 10/02/2017 16:41

@IMissGrannyW I have wine? Pull up a seat! Wine

Strokethefurrywall · 10/02/2017 16:41

They sound like total knobs.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/02/2017 16:42

The fact he's moved on to next Sunday shows they're not after a babysitter and genuinely wants to get together (maybe)

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