Advice on getting access to child after 6 years

[Crapfriends]

Posting here for traffic.
I was speaking to a colleague and he revealed he had a DC he hadn't seen in 6 years. I've had a shit time of it recently and he is a decent bloke and from everything he told me and showed me I felt like it would be good to help him. He had tried to go through the courts but ran out of money. He didn't know where DC had been living and from the court documents there is no reason for him not to have access other than mum simply doesn't want him in their lives. I'm trying to find advice. Gingerbread can only talk to the parent who the child resides with and I can't get through to families need fathers. I don't know where else to try for advice. He has PR as he hasn't been notified of any attempt to remove this from him but I believe the DC believes their step dad is their real dad. It's a sensitive subject and I know it's not really my place but he really hasn't known how to get contact with his child in years. He ran out of money to pursue it and has no idea where they are. I've seen evidence of the attempts he has made and myself wouldnhave recommended everything he has tried. Does anyone here have any advice or charities/organisations I can contact who may be able to help him?

He sounds like my mate's thankfully-now-ex-husband. He whined incessantly about his two children by two mothers, neither of whom would give him child access. (Red flag #1.)

My friend married him, wasted her own time going with him to court to try and get visits put in place, the quickie marriage soon started creaking as the cruel and abusive side of him came out, as did the realisation he was a complete and utter waster. (Horrible man - no details as it's too identifying.)

Friend finally divorced his arse after one of the mums did start letting him visit the child... and her bed!

Your colleague has had six years to sort this out. The child probably forgot he exists. If he wanted to see his child he'd crawl over broken glass to get to him/her. Not walk away the minute it looks a bit tricky.

OP it really sounds like you have ishoos. Step away. You are trying to be a white knight and projecting all sorts based on your own background. Leave him to it.

The fact he still has parental rights means nothing. My children haven't seen their father for years and he took me to court. He has been arrested umpteen times, convicted for carrying a knife, got 3 restraining orders against him, is banned from keeping animals and much more.

He still retains his parental rights because it's nigh on impossible to get them removed!

He won't have told you the full story. He should have been paying something - even just a nominal amount if he was studying. You are so naive it's staggering.

Your friend knows a lot about the child's relationship with the stepfather, given he doesn't know where the child lives. Someone has obviously been feeding him back info, and so he must know the general area of where the child lives, people who are in contact with the mother. It's not hard to find an address these days. Chances are the mum's parents may not have moved - he could contact them. Or an old mutual friend. At the very least- at the VERY least -he could pass on birthday cards, Christmas presents, the odd tenner. It wouldn't make up for not being in the child's life but it would be making SOME sort off effort.

Meanwhile the young woman who had the baby at 16 has managed to raise a child on her own while going back and getting herself an education - funny that. And your spineless, whiny "friend" can't even stick a tenner in a card on the child's birthday.

You're being taken for a mug op. I suggest you detach from this situation asap

I think you should look carefully at why you would want to become involved in a situation like this. You sound very needy and would be better off building your self esteem and interests.

"If the court felt he was bad enough to remove her from him then why does he still have parental responsibility?"

Because that's normal, whichever jurisdiction in UK. PR is only removed in the seriously extreme cases.

Just wondering - why are you ringing Families Need Fathers for him? Why isn't he calling frequently until someone picks up?

Sorry, I don't know any other organisations such as you reques in the opening post. I dare say I could go off and Google for them, but am wondering why he is nit doing this himself. You say there are reasons, but I'm finding it hard to imagine any possibilities.

I think its a bit arse over tit that you come on here asking for advice on how to help him see his child BEFORE you google the basics about PR.

Courts don't routinely remove PR from naughty parents

Its removed by adoption and in the case of your lil bro/mate/colleague HE would have to give permission for the courts to do that.

You seem so determined to be a superhero that you have lost all common sense. Why on earth wouldn't check up on the things he has said to you before leaping in?

At best this guy is an inadequate, ineffectual man who can't be arsed but at worst he could be a danger to that little family.

If he is the former you will be stuck in in treacle trying to force him to become interested in the process and it will end hardly any further forward that it is now.
If he is the latter you will be complicit in causing his ex and his child distress and possibly harm.

I suppose the kindest interpretation is that he was only 16ish when the DC was born, and his parents rather took stuff out of his hands?

Perhaps or it could be that he was just relieved that it all 'went away'
He may be maturing and more able to see that he should be taking responsibility but surely that would mean doing it himself?

My (now ex) partners, ex-partner stopped him having contact with their child in a fit of spite when she found out he and I were having a child. She moved house with her new spouse without telling us where she was going. We went to court and a contact order was granted, she ignored it. Our solicitor told us that effectively there was nothing we could do if she continued to do that. She then moved again and we didn't know where they were. Child maintenance was paid the whole time. She rang his work place 8 years later to reinstate contact. Then cut it off again when (unsurprisingly) there were problems with bonding. Then again got in touch when their child was 13. Its been awful and difficult. The blame doesn't always lie with fathers. He is a great dad to our kids, even since we split.

Please listen to the ladies here who have told you to keep out of it. I will add myself to this very same choir.

My DDs biological father is an absolute scum waste of space. Absolute. He refused to work when I was pregnant. He bought a pack of two body suits total for our daughter. And one packet of nappies. He wasn't involved with anything. For example, he never changed a nappy, he never gave her a bottle, never ever did a night feed. Nothing. The cards we were given when she was born, had money in. He took that and spent it on himself.
The drained my bank account.
When we split up he ran away with her. He introduced his new girlfriend as her new mummy when she was 3 months old.

He didn't pay a penny CM until she was 3 1/2 years old. He paid £25 which came to me irregularly. I went to CSA he quit his a job so he didn't have to pay.

When he got married, DD became unhappy to go to his place, which he blamed on me. I became aware some time later the new wife was abusing my DD. They made her call new wife mum. New wife would slap DD around the face. They would spend weekends trying to get her to say it was me and my partner who were hurting her. They accused me of beating DD to the nursery, they called social services and made accusations against my partner.
When these plans backfired they tried to convince DD that at the age of four how much fun it would be to go and live with them, even moved so she could have her own room.

But wouldn't buy her birthday or Christmas Day presents or cards. And decide to just not show up when they wanted... I was controlling because I wanted him to stick to a contact order!

He would phone me up to 9 times a day.

It doesn't sound like a lot, but on top of all this, he would tell people the most horrific lies about me. I was apparently letting DD call every new man Dad, I apparently had a dog who would shit all over my carpets and I wouldn't clean it. I made him sleep with me so I would allow him to see DD. He told his wife I was having a mental breakdown, or was too drunk to look after DD as an excuse to run off over night (honestly! Never ever been on that kind of stage, even if I were, I wouldn't have Called him) he also told her DD was in hospital after a nasty accident because I'd not been watching her properly and he stayed up the hospital all night with me (nope! Never happened!) there were loads of other lies that I'm sure I don't know about, but I was the devil to anyone who knew him. I knew this because he got his girlfriends dad/sister to pick up DD a lot, he didn't drive and couldn't afford bus.

For good measure I became aware that he didn't even have a car seat (1 hour drive!)

My point is, you've no idea what he's really like, what he may of put her through, what she may have to go through because of your involvement. OR, most importantly what this could do to his child.
If he believes that his step dad is his dad, who are you to shatter that sense of family he has?

Very rare is there a woman who's child doesn't see their dad for no reason at all... many of us feel like shit because of it.

I've had a shit time of it recently

I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say your shit time is related to either a relationship that didn't work out (started off brilliant, then he started flaking, said you were too needy and ghosted) or you've been bullied at work.

Helper syndrome's a sign of codependence. You need to wind your neck in about this and think about what you could do for yourself to make your own life nicer. You've had a shit time. Your priority should be yourself. And work out why you feel the need to jump in and help people like this.

If the court felt he was bad enough to remove her from him then why does he still have parental responsibility

This has intrigued me. She child was removed from his care. Why?
Added with the thinking step dad is bio dad but not knowing where they are.. Can you not see the massive holes forming op?

Then the oh he's tried alsorts and it all just
Costs money. Tbph for fathers4justice to NOT help is also alarming. Most they help because that's what they are about but even they have people they wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

OP I think you've don't enough to be supportive to your colleague and your kindness Is very apparent. I do believe some men get a bad deal in these situations. But as others say I'd be very cautious about getting involved. You just cannot know the full story or risks involved or even speculate about the actions of the ex partner. If you've read other posts on here you will have seen some women have very real reasons why they need to get themselves and their children out of the reach of their father. These can be dangerous situations.

For instance, some very heartfelt sounding messages about children missing on Facebook and the like are posted by abusive parents seeking to track down kids and families.

Sorry OP, if this bloke really wanted to see his child he would of already have taken extraordinary measures to do so. He hasn't. You say he went through the courts but ran out of money? If he wasn't working/college/low income...surely he'd of met the criteria for legal aid? Something seems amiss.

Have her family dropped off the face of the earth, along with her friends family etc...

If he had the funds to initially pursue the court route, why wasn't he paying maintenance?

He was 16 when he became a father, how old was the child's mother? Was she younger.

How old is the child?

your words are the person you'd like you to be. Your actions are who you are.

I love this! So true.

It doesn't make any sense what he's saying to you - he ran out of money but has got savings accounts for them.

Can I also pipe up with something else RE court, if he was trying to do everything that he could to contact his child, he could have self represented. If he's in work, there's no reason that he couldn't pay the court costs.

There is more that he could have done.

He reads like many NRP doing fuck all for their children then moaning that they aren't in their children's lives. Maybe that's because they are unfit to be around them?

I'm not trying to be horrible here, but I feel you are being terribly naive.

I've not rtft, but does he pay maintenance? Does he write and keep birthday/ Christmas cards? Does he have a box of letters for said child to read when they are older?
If he doesn't pay maintenance is there a savings account which he puts money into? I'd guess not.

NRP often do the woe is me act very perfectly, but hardly ever have any comprehension of actual parental responsibility, and ignore their responsibilities, but will whinge and whinge on about the rights they wish to have.

Please do not be drawn in by this man.

I'm not saying all NRP are scum bags, but most who have their shit together are in their children's lives, and the ones who are unfairly alienated do tend to have savings accounts set up for their children where child maintenance is put in, a box of cards, sometimes little presents. Letters written from time to time, copies of court documents etc so the children know the truth when they are older.

Wow I really would stay completely out of this apart from being supportive when he talks to you about it of course.

Im sorry to say this but your boundaries are really messed up. A workmate is not a sibling- especially one of a short time. If there is a link between having a shit time yourself and taking ownership of someone else's problem do you think you are trying to distract yourself? Please take care of yourself - its not healthy to start assigning people as siblings and getting involved in such risky issues.

Agree with most pps you have NO idea of the truth. Even unemployed nrps have a minimum amount payable via cms (used to be £5 a week I highly doubt he really couldn't have afforded that ever).

I also have a deadbeat dad ex who hasn't seen dd for almost 5 years (even with me offering to pay AND do the travel, but tells people I'm keeping dd away), doesn't pay maintenance (but tells his wife and mother he does as well as others), doesn't phone or email dd (even though she's had same number for years, I have the same number for years, same email addresses, he knows our postal address too, has BLOCKED dd on fb), she recently had her 16th birthday, he sent only cards for Christmas and birthday. Handwriting in cards not his. BUT he tells everyone I'M stopping him seeing/contacting dd and that he pays maintenance etc BULLSHIT.

PR is only removed by legal force in EXTREME cases (have a lawyer friend works on these kinds of cases, they basically have to almost kill the child before its removed, I know of one case where the father repeatedly raped the child - still has pr! Worse - still has UNSUPERVISED contact!!)

Here's an idea - between you and the supportive boss get your colleague an appointment with a lawyer on the condition you ALL go to it. (Why would he refuse if everything he's saying is true and you're there to support him? Except I bet he'd refuse 'I couldn't ask you to do that' etc etc) even offer to go with him to a support group, say you've found a lawyer and need to provide all the info... His reaction will tell you the truth!

Why are most of the posters compare to their life as fact? I had a shit dad too, pull the same stunt claiming he wasn't allowed to see us etc has. Has never paid a penny for us and generally abusive when we did see him (court ordered). Just because this shit happens to us doesn't make it fact that every man is like this, we don't know anything about this guy only what the op has said, that's not enough information to accuse him of being a dead beat dad. A lot of women have stopped contact for no other reason than spite, let's not assume this guys is awful and give the advice the op asked for.

we don't know anything about this guy only what the op has said, that's not enough information to accuse him of being a dead beat dad

He hasn't paid maintenance for six years, because... he's been at college or unemployed, yet also worked with the OP long enough to seem like her 'sibling', and he's used up all his money in court costs and put money into savings accounts whilst still being an unemployed student co-worker who can't afford maintenance. Perfectly clear reasons, there.

The idea that you can placemark your status as parent until you're good and ready for it is pretty much my definition of a deadbeat dad.

People are sharing their own experiences to show OP the similarities in how this guy is presenting and how their dads/exes presented. They are trying to help her see that this guy is a big flashing red warning sign.