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Original poster

Advice on getting access to child after 6 years

178 replies

Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 18:19

Posting here for traffic.
I was speaking to a colleague and he revealed he had a DC he hadn't seen in 6 years. I've had a shit time of it recently and he is a decent bloke and from everything he told me and showed me I felt like it would be good to help him. He had tried to go through the courts but ran out of money. He didn't know where DC had been living and from the court documents there is no reason for him not to have access other than mum simply doesn't want him in their lives. I'm trying to find advice. Gingerbread can only talk to the parent who the child resides with and I can't get through to families need fathers. I don't know where else to try for advice. He has PR as he hasn't been notified of any attempt to remove this from him but I believe the DC believes their step dad is their real dad. It's a sensitive subject and I know it's not really my place but he really hasn't known how to get contact with his child in years. He ran out of money to pursue it and has no idea where they are. I've seen evidence of the attempts he has made and myself wouldnhave recommended everything he has tried. Does anyone here have any advice or charities/organisations I can contact who may be able to help him?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2017 22:31

All the hallmarks of a deadbeat dad.....

Original poster
Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 22:34

How could he have when he didn't have money coming in? He was at college with no job.
If the court felt he was bad enough to remove her from him then why does he still have parental responsibility?

OP posts:
OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 22:34

So he only became your colleague recently but he is like a sibling to you? Hmm

Is he your little pet project? Couldn't you join a Zumba or pottery class or something?

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 22:38

Well, you know, going to college when you've a child to support but no means to do it isn't a great choice. Sometimes being a good parent means that you postpone college in the interests of feeding your child.

Presumably the child hasn't starved to death or died from exposure so one parent (the evil one) stepped up.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2017 22:39

Parents don't generally get the luxury of not working, going full time at college. If you want a good life for your children you work while at college. Or put it off until they are at school.

And how young is he? Even assuming he was young when they conceived and s/he left when the baby was small, I assume he's in his twenties. Possibly late twenties. So old enough.

I've just seen a lot of useless fathers who say that they're great. I've had five young mums through my house with their babies and they try, while the dads don't. Often while being abusive. And telling everyone how sad and fabulous they are. It's depressing.

Thattimeofyearagain · 09/02/2017 22:40

No no no no. A good friend of mine was approached by letter by a woman who was involved somehow with her exh. This woman was offering to help broker access to her dc. What exh hadn't told his " friend" is that he had broken my friends arm the last time he saw her and she had a non- mol out on him. Don't get involved.

clippityclock · 09/02/2017 22:40

My ex would spout this bullshit too and about his first child he had with his first wife. All 'oh woe is me, they keep me form my child' 'its not worth going back through court' 'oh I haven't got the money' funny but I'd kill for a weekend off from parenting.

He only see his daughter every now and then and hasn't seen my son in years. His choice and I have emails to prove it. He doesn't have the money to go to court however, the 3 holidays he goes on a year, the big house and the weekends away and nights out sure show he does have the money.

If a dad wants to see their kid they will see them. Othesr can't be arsed and want their own lives and don't want to have to be tied down to actually parenting their children.

Leave him to it.

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 22:40

OneWithTheForce hey! I go to a pottery class! It's great 😜

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 22:43

Also OP you're only hearing his side of the story. And you're taking it verbatim that he has this mystical savings account for the DC & that he has PR.

OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 22:45

I would love to go to a pottery class! The only one on locally is while I'm at work. I had a kids potters wheel when I was a child. I wish I still hadn't it!

Birdsgottaf1y · 09/02/2017 22:45

Does he not have any family who were interested in their Grandchild/DN etc.

I've known lots of young lads who conveniently 'forget' they have a child, until they grow up and the child can feed/toilet/take to sports. They find themselves in work and having to explain why they've neglected their child.

No doubt, if she isn't working, or earning very little (because she's forgone her education/work chances) and he starts paying maintenance, that will be the next stick to beat her with.

Original poster
Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 22:48

I've known him longer than when he started at my work but the atmosphere at work is incredibly family like. I stand by he's like a younger sibling. He is early 20s. They had the kid very young. 16 If my maths is right. Both parents went to college after child was born so not sure why that's going to only be something he shouldn't have done. It was their plan the entire time and they agreed to stick with it when they were together. The idea was to get a better job to support dc with. Instead they split when dc was a baby and he hasn't seen dc since.

OP posts:
hellomarshmallow · 09/02/2017 22:49

My cynical side says there is no savings account for them. My ex would say all this crap too, so he'd look all sad and worthy and have a great excuse for being an absent father.

Regardless of whether he's a decent bloke or not: keep out of it.

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 22:49

Onewiththeforce there's private places all over the U.K. Where you can go and just use the kiln & materials. Not classes as such but I've always found a willing skilled potter there to answer some questions or give some advice.

Sorry to derail. Back to the absent father who's keen to ensure no one thinks he's a wanker.

ClopySow · 09/02/2017 22:50

Dude. Are you really this naive?

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 22:50

So do you know what they broke up? Or is this part of the "she's crazy and won't let me see my child" dance?

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 22:52

The idea was to get a better job to support dc with

Super. That's great. Except he hasn't supported the child. So, you know...

Maudlinmaud · 09/02/2017 22:53

I just don't understand how you can be bothered. Professional boundaries, you need some.

DelphineCormier · 09/02/2017 22:54

Again, DD's sperm donor managed to pull off a contact arrangement even against the charges I brought against him. There is no way he would have been denied access to his child unless there was a reason. Surely his parents would have been willing to pay £200 for it to be taken up in court?

Starlight2345 · 09/02/2017 22:55

I always think where are the men that walk round and admit they are a shit dad and cna't be arsed to get out of bed for contact...

Ohh they say my ex stops me seeing my DC...

I also doubt the savings account.

OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 22:55

Onewiththeforce there's private places all over the U.K. Where you can go and just use the kiln & materials. Not classes as such but I've always found a willing skilled potter there to answer some questions or give some advice.

Thanks onetheup I'm quite restricted with free time (well I have none! Grin) as i'm a lone parent and their dad is uninvolved so I get very little time off and money is tight. Their dad of course has lots of free time to travel the world and indulge his hobbies.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2017 22:57

I'm thinking of the young mums I support. They do all the hard slog, night wakings, lone parenting with tiny kids, have to go it alone... none of them would have refused help except for those with really nasty exes. But most were offered no help, either practical or financial. Bag of nappies maybe that the dad plasters all over FB to prove how great he is.

Then the dad steps in at 7 years old and wants a relationship with a child that doesn't know them?

BTW I have seen some great young men step up. But mostly the new BF or an old male friend of the mum. Never the dad.

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 22:58

Well onewiththeforce maybe you should speak with your work colleagues. Maybe they'll view you as a sibling?

Our local adult ed place does family pottery courses too

I'm clearly very passionate about absent fathers claiming to be Wannabe Disney Dads & pottery classes

Original poster
Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 23:00

I don't believe the mum is evil I just think it would be cruel to say nobody will help him with this. He's quite an open book in my opinion but obviously there are two sides to every story. I just think it would be better for those two sides to be dealt with at mediation or court.
he could do all this himself and he has found more than I have to be fair but at least I have found something he didn't know before.
I do know what it feels like to have a deadbeat dad. I don't think I'd like to have been lied to about it though.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2017 23:00

I can throw a mean pot. I wonder why potting and supporting single mothers is a thing. Potters for Justice 🍶

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