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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Advice on getting access to child after 6 years

178 replies

Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 18:19

Posting here for traffic.
I was speaking to a colleague and he revealed he had a DC he hadn't seen in 6 years. I've had a shit time of it recently and he is a decent bloke and from everything he told me and showed me I felt like it would be good to help him. He had tried to go through the courts but ran out of money. He didn't know where DC had been living and from the court documents there is no reason for him not to have access other than mum simply doesn't want him in their lives. I'm trying to find advice. Gingerbread can only talk to the parent who the child resides with and I can't get through to families need fathers. I don't know where else to try for advice. He has PR as he hasn't been notified of any attempt to remove this from him but I believe the DC believes their step dad is their real dad. It's a sensitive subject and I know it's not really my place but he really hasn't known how to get contact with his child in years. He ran out of money to pursue it and has no idea where they are. I've seen evidence of the attempts he has made and myself wouldnhave recommended everything he has tried. Does anyone here have any advice or charities/organisations I can contact who may be able to help him?

OP posts:
OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 23:01

OP maybe you need to reflect on why you're so invested in this.

Starlight2345 · 09/02/2017 23:01

I'm quite restricted with free time (well I have none! grin) as i'm a lone parent and their dad is uninvolved so I get very little time off and money is tight. Their dad of course has lots of free time to travel the world and indulge his hobbies.

Bet your ex also said my Kids mum stops me seeing them.

OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 23:02

I'm clearly very passionate about absent fathers claiming to be Wannabe Disney Dads & pottery classes

Grin well we all have our thing don't we. Horse for courses!

Will approach colleagues tomorrow with your suggestion. Sounds like a goer!

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 23:02

MrsTerryPratchet Maybe we could throw those money boxes you break for these absent fathers to keep all the savings for their DCs.

LostMyDotBrain · 09/02/2017 23:04

Up until recently he's been at college/out of work

And he's like a sibling? This says more about you than him to be honest. Even if you knew him a bit beforehand, it's obviously not long enough or well enough to know anything real about his home life and you're relying on what he's saying. You're weirdly attached to the new guy at work.

And I'd love to know what you and Jeremy bloody Kyle think a savings account does to maintain a child. To clothe them? To feed them? Or is he planning on handing it to the child's mother to make up for the fact she's been picking up his financial slack for 6 years?

Course not. If big if there really is a savings account, he plans to give the contents to the child to appease for his absence. Which is a dick move frankly, because chances are the mother having to pick up two parents' worth of expenses means she won't have been able to give the kid that kind of treat. She just gets to foot the bill for what the child takes for granted.

DJBaggySmalls · 09/02/2017 23:05

Have you ever been in a situation where you've trusted someone, put a lot into the relationship, its gone wrong, then you have felt wronged by them?
Has that happened more than once?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2017 23:05
Grin
OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 23:05

OneWithTheForce maybe if you let the "poor" DD of your DC see them you'd have time to throw a pot!

Oooops.....hold on......problem with that solution. He's just spouting rhetoric about how you won't let him see them

OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 23:06

Bet your ex also said my Kids mum stops me seeing them.

Bingo! He has said exactly that to anyone who will listen and it gets back to me. He is now (for various reasons) in the position of having to think about this actions with a no-nonsense authority figure and I have to say I feel very vindicated hearing that he finally accepts he has been a shit parent.

abbsisspartacus · 09/02/2017 23:07

Heard of Claire's law?

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 23:09

Maybe "start a pottery course" could be the new "go on a spa day"

OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 23:11
Grin
dontbesillyhenry · 09/02/2017 23:21

Oh ffs op you really seem determined to wade in as some sort of hero don't you 'well I've found something's out he didn't know'
Well he SHOULD know, if he cares less about the child he allegedly has been kept from unfairly for six years.
You have no clue whatsoever what happened so stop embarrassing yourself and join St. John's ambulance or something if you need to feel saintly

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 09/02/2017 23:21

You seem to know an awful lot of intimate things about this chap, OP.

"Asking for a friend"?

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2017 23:25

Wake up op

6 years!!!

Smell the damn coffee. He's a deadbeat dad and/or there were issues of abuse.

And if you dont let the penny drop you deserve everything you get when this bites you in the arse.

bloodyteenagers · 09/02/2017 23:27

Like a brother - don't know his age -don't know why they separated- couple of years unexplained cos college doesn't last 6 years - spent all his money on courts

Bet you've only seen papers in his favour.

Now if he was a good bloke he would have had her address because her address would have been on avidavits and other court documents. However, not a good bloke and to give them protection this would have all been blacked out..

The other thing you have to wonder is this . He doesn't know where they are but he knows his child not only has a step dad, but thinks the step dad is bio dad..

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/02/2017 23:30

If the court felt he was bad enough to remove her from him then why does he still have parental responsibility?

Because in my lifetime (I'm well over 40) in the English familÅ· law courts PR has only ever been removed from either 3 or 4 (I can never remember which of the top of my head) fathers with PR outside of an adoption.

It is considered to be one of the most serious court orders that they can issue and is incredibly rare.

Now your not silly enough to believe that in the same period of time only 3/4 fathers exist that are not part of an adoption but shouldn't be near their kids are you?

Fanciedachange17 · 09/02/2017 23:33

OP you have only made one sensible statement ..."I know it's not really my place"...

No, It is not any of your business. There will be a very good reason he is not seeing his Dc especially if the Courts have already been involved. I'll give you a sample although it is clear you are going to ignore everybody on here. (Wonder shy/ Is he very good looking?)

  1. Domestic Abuse
  2. Sexual Abuse
  3. He doesn't want the financial commitment
  4. It's easier to walk away and let the mother cope on her own
  5. He is a tosser.
Fanciedachange17 · 09/02/2017 23:34

why not shy. Bloody sausage fingers

anklebitersmum · 09/02/2017 23:35

Six years absentee-ism because the poor lamb ran out of money? Yeah, righty-ho, thanks for that Hmm

Err, a few ways as an estranged Dad to get in touch that don't involve a solicitor if you want to bother

Parents of your ex
Friends of your ex
Siblings of your ex
CSA/CMS
Jezza
Electoral roll
Private investigator
Facebook

Or you could do diddly squat whilst maintaining to all and sundry that you're hard done by like some I could name mention.

PutUpWithRain · 09/02/2017 23:40

OP, everyone will tell you that my ex is a lovely bloke, really nice, great dad. What they won't tell you is that he beat the shit out of me, threatened to kill our DC, and told everyone who'd listen that I'd had an affair (I hadn't). They won't tell you he'd racked up debts of £30k that I knew nothing about.They also won't tell you that within a month of our 16yr relationship ending he'd started seeing someone new. They also won't tell you he didn't pay CM for nine months until I applied for it, and he lied to avoid paying his due. They won't tell you that the DC & I were on the verge on being made homeless because of him. They also won't tell you how I tried to hide everything from friends and family whilst he told everyone how evil I was, so I had no support or anyone to rely on, so I had to lie and say my statement to the Police was wrong, just to get charges dropped, in order to get some help from my family. They won't tell you that, because they don't know it, because he's such a great bloke, and has never done anything wrong, and it's me that's the problem...

He still sees his children regularly. They have a stepmother now - someone I've never met, who's undoubtedly been given his narrative, and has views on the type of person I am. I am not in any way comfortable with my children spending time in that environment, mostly because it's obviously upsetting for them, but also wondering what's said about me, and how my DC feel about it. On the nights they're not with me, I cry. But I have to live with it, because I know it's in their best interests to have a relationship with their dad.

If I can do that, then I wonder what it is that your close friend has done that means he's been content to live for six years without even seeing his child.

IMissGrannyW · 10/02/2017 00:00

PutUpWithRain I have no words, but Flowers Flowers Flowers and sorry that's so inadequate. x x x

OP - please hear what PPs are saying to you. Please, go back and read these comments again. And I would add, in my setting it is VERY common for parents to split (often acrimoniously) and often unfairly favouring one parent against another, but it is RARE for these to go to court. The fact it has makes it a bigger deal.

This man sounds untrustworthy, and like others, I wonder if you're overly-investing in him emotionally. Do you fancy him/feel a spark????

PutUpWithRain · 10/02/2017 00:16

IMissGrannyW It's hard for me, but it's best for them. We split because of... certain incidents. DC didn't see much of those, so best keep them oblivious, and give them the opportunity to have both parents.

And OP, please, just try and read this thread if you were not emotionally involved. Ask yourself is he's been given the opportunity to be a good person, and how he's reacted. How pro-active has he been in being a good person?

Utterly trite message but, your words are the person you'd like you to be. Your actions are who you are.

RhodaBorrocks · 10/02/2017 00:35

My XP has no money OP. He stayed in DS life for a few years despite this. Then he fucked off.

Guess what? He tells everyone I am blocking access. I have never done this, I've practically bent over backwards to encourage him and his ridiculous family to visit DS, to no avail.

I've not moved, not changed my numbers and not changed my email address. He was abusive to me, but I am willing to put that aside if it means he sees his son.

But instead he prefers to live God knows where, and gives me no contact details for him. And no maintenance. And turns on the charm whilst telling people how evil I am for blocking him from seeing his son.

Be very wary at believing everything you are told by this man.

LostMyDotBrain · 10/02/2017 00:56

The other thing you have to wonder is this . He doesn't know where they are but he knows his child not only has a step dad, but thinks the step dad is bio dad.

I hadn't clocked on to this at all. Cracking point.