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Original poster

Advice on getting access to child after 6 years

178 replies

Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 18:19

Posting here for traffic.
I was speaking to a colleague and he revealed he had a DC he hadn't seen in 6 years. I've had a shit time of it recently and he is a decent bloke and from everything he told me and showed me I felt like it would be good to help him. He had tried to go through the courts but ran out of money. He didn't know where DC had been living and from the court documents there is no reason for him not to have access other than mum simply doesn't want him in their lives. I'm trying to find advice. Gingerbread can only talk to the parent who the child resides with and I can't get through to families need fathers. I don't know where else to try for advice. He has PR as he hasn't been notified of any attempt to remove this from him but I believe the DC believes their step dad is their real dad. It's a sensitive subject and I know it's not really my place but he really hasn't known how to get contact with his child in years. He ran out of money to pursue it and has no idea where they are. I've seen evidence of the attempts he has made and myself wouldnhave recommended everything he has tried. Does anyone here have any advice or charities/organisations I can contact who may be able to help him?

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 09/02/2017 21:25

Op read what d3pu said

He should know that already though

FannyDeFuzz · 09/02/2017 21:28

Bullshit.

Every bloke I know who has "run out of money" for court (and he has PR and can represent himself, pull the other one) has somehow managed holidays, cars, nights out with new girlfriend. Funny that. I presume your chum hasn't lived like a monk the past six years. Does he pay maintenance?

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 21:30

I wonder is your boss going to bankroll this or has he more sense?

lemondropcake · 09/02/2017 21:30

Sounds like a classic case of shit dad, no interest in putting the children first. Guilt has ate away at him and oh he finally decides he wants to see his children....Too little too late mum has moved away, met someone else and the kids are happy.
you make the bed, you lie in it.
he's not done enough and now he wants to rock the boat.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2017 21:30

Its just bs. Full of excuses. Dont be so naive.

C3PU just detailed how he managed without it costing the earth.

In this day and age there would be a very good reason for the courts to stop contact.

If your colleague wanted to be a father he would be. Its just lip service and you're falling for it.

LostMyDotBrain · 09/02/2017 21:34

OP, I'll say again, you stepping in means you don't believe he's done everything he can.

Turning down solutions that cost more money isn't what a father does if he's desperate to see his kids. Especially if his boss is so keen to help...it seems there's something very practical his boss could do.

Though in all honesty, all that'd be likely to do is prove to you that money wasn't really the problem.

DelphineCormier · 09/02/2017 21:37

OP does he pay maintenance?

bittapitta · 09/02/2017 21:37

OP does your username describe your usual friendship situation? Is this colleague a nice guy, super to you, not a "crap friend"? Think long and hard about whether you are being manipulated.

DelphineCormier · 09/02/2017 21:41

The other thing I would add is that you say he's like a sibling. Again, my DDs biological father comes across a perfectly nice guy, well respected, liked, lots of friends etc. he just also happens to be an abuser and very good at hiding it. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors. There will be more to this than he's telling you. Trust me.

photodrama · 09/02/2017 21:42

Please DO NOT get involved with this.
By all means suggest charities that could help him and the back off and let him do it.

You have NO idea what the real situation is
Several people have said their abusive fathers would have spun this and been manipulative

You could put a child in danger ffs

PurpleDaisies · 09/02/2017 21:44

His dc also has a right to know who he is.

And he's only just realised this? What are these insurmountable reasons that have stopped him doing this earlier?

OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 21:45

Colleague is like a sibling to me

Is he also an adult to you? Otherwise I can't understand why you are wiping his backside for him.

Everything you are doing or can do for him he can do for himself. In fact he can do far more than you will be able to do as he is actually the parent. You are entirely unrelated to the situation and you have no rights to access any of the services he needs to use in order to reinstate his contact.

What is your motivation here? You don't have to answer that here but at least be honest with yourself. Are you just a sucker for a "hard done by nice guy"?

OneWithTheForce · 09/02/2017 21:46

Some of the court orders have simply been ignored in his case and it seems entirely unfair that she can refuse to take notice of these orders and he has to shell out money he doesn't have for her to ignore it.

And what special powers do you think you possess that will make her comply with the orders where he and the courts have failed?

fabulous01 · 09/02/2017 21:55

Where there is a court case there are big problems. Ask yourself if you were the mother would you want him getting contact
Or... think of the child
Stay well clear and if it is for being nosey get a hobby

photodrama · 09/02/2017 21:56

I am very pro decent fathers having access and think it is despicable when Mums stop this but there are a million reasons why this needs to be done through the courts or right channels.

At best if the child thinks her stepdad is Dad you are going to smash the kids world apart without following the right procedures to prepare the child for this.

At worst.you are going to put a child in danger.

HE needs to call families need fathers.

There's going to be no Disney reunion op. My Kids haven't seen their Dad for this amount of time , his choice, I know for a fact that he has fed his girlfriend bull about why he hasn't seen them.

The kids don't even remember him.

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 21:57

OP you're being very naive. My dad would've appeared JUST like this.

I started working with one of his old friends in November. He said he couldn't believe how he conned him out of thousands about 15 years ago. He got suckered into his charm and charisma.

Abusers don't wear trench coats, appear "rough" and punch women in the park.

They hold down jobs, jobs of authority, they look normal but they don't have historical relationships. Often their own families cut contact, they don't have friends from their youth. Because these people are eventually victims of their abuse too.

Wake up.

anxious2017 · 09/02/2017 22:04

I notice she won't answer if he's paying maintenance Hmm

c3pu · 09/02/2017 22:13

Maintenance and contact are treated as totally separate issues by the court, so it's not exactly relevant, although it may give an indication to his dedication...

Children are not pay per view.

Candypops14 · 09/02/2017 22:17

She wouldn't of been able to just ignore the court letters, he's talking bullshit! Also about him not knowing the adress where dc is, he wouldn't need to know that the courts would get it.

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 22:19

Plus, if he's up to date with his maintenance, he must have an inkling of how they can be found.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2017 22:21

No children are not pay per view but any loving parent recognises that children have needs and should want to ensure that those needs are met. They wouldn't want them to suffer.

Any parent who doesnt pay maintenance is a selfish fucker and the lowest of the low imo.

Maudlinmaud · 09/02/2017 22:23

6 years. SIX YEARS.

anxious2017 · 09/02/2017 22:23

Maintenance is relevant. He might be not seeing the child because he knows that if he started it back up again, his ex would insist on maintenance. I also find it hard to believe he doesn't know where she is. Does she have parents? Siblings? If so, he probably knows where they are. A father who wants to see their child will move mountains to do so. You can't ignore a court order.

Original poster
Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 22:24

Up until recently he's been at college/out of work. He's young so it's expected to take a while finding a position in our line of work. He has put money into a savings account for dc but in the meantime has started contact with the csa in regards to getting money to his dc. I haven't spoken to him since he made that phone call so not sure how that's panned out.

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 22:25

So no, he doesn't pay maintenance.

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