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Original poster

Advice on getting access to child after 6 years

178 replies

Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 18:19

Posting here for traffic.
I was speaking to a colleague and he revealed he had a DC he hadn't seen in 6 years. I've had a shit time of it recently and he is a decent bloke and from everything he told me and showed me I felt like it would be good to help him. He had tried to go through the courts but ran out of money. He didn't know where DC had been living and from the court documents there is no reason for him not to have access other than mum simply doesn't want him in their lives. I'm trying to find advice. Gingerbread can only talk to the parent who the child resides with and I can't get through to families need fathers. I don't know where else to try for advice. He has PR as he hasn't been notified of any attempt to remove this from him but I believe the DC believes their step dad is their real dad. It's a sensitive subject and I know it's not really my place but he really hasn't known how to get contact with his child in years. He ran out of money to pursue it and has no idea where they are. I've seen evidence of the attempts he has made and myself wouldnhave recommended everything he has tried. Does anyone here have any advice or charities/organisations I can contact who may be able to help him?

OP posts:
LostMyDotBrain · 09/02/2017 20:06

OP, do you really think this is as cut and dried as he's making out? You obviously don't believe he's done all he can or you wouldn't be trying to rescue the poor helpless man stepping in to google for him and saying you'll contact charities on his behalf.

Don't you think you're getting a bit too involved given this guy is just a colleague?

MagicMoments22 · 09/02/2017 20:08

You can't rely on 30 free min with solicitors. They have a business to run and your colleague will need ongoing advice etc

Isn't this what Fathers 4 Justice can help with?

Otherwise stay out of it

OnTheUp13 · 09/02/2017 20:14

My Dad would've spun you this crock of shit as well. Actually he sexually abused me, beat my mother and emotionally abused my brother, made us homeless and left my mum with no money to feed and clothe us.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/02/2017 20:17

Shock. Is this a joke?

What's the relevance of you having had a "shit year" to this?!

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/02/2017 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

welovepancakes · 09/02/2017 20:19

If he wants to trace the mother, a private investigator would be a good place to start. Also paying child support. But I think he should be doing it himself, not through a third party

welovepancakes · 09/02/2017 20:19

If he wants to trace the mother, a private investigator would be a good place to start. Also paying child support. But I think he should be doing it himself, not through a third party

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2017 20:20

Is he paying maintenance?

ARumWithAView · 09/02/2017 20:24

This is insane.

Your motivation: being vaguely interested in helping out a colleague, who's a 'good bloke'.

His motivation: seeing his own children.

And you're the one crowd-sourcing ideas on the internet, trying to find a practical solution? If he's such a lovely, trustworthy guy, maybe you could lend him £5k or something to fund more legal action - and if that's more than you'd like to risk, then maybe you shouldn't be interfering in the lives of his kids and former partner.

Now waiting for the men's rights activists to turn up and say 'oh, you'll never get a proper answer from the hysterics on here, fathers always get the shitty end of the deal, if the roles were reversed, etc etc'.

user892 · 09/02/2017 20:29

Do you have issues with 'rescuing people', OP? Do your friendships seem to be one-sided? Do your relationships tend to be co-dependent?

He needs to do this, and he's capable of doing this.

bloodyteenagers · 09/02/2017 20:33

Doesn't needlegal representation. He could have submitted papers a long time ago.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/02/2017 20:34

Op dont be so bloody gullible

If he really wanted to see his child he would be. Ask yourself why its you posting on here asking for help. Its his child!

Why do some women fall for this claptrap....

missscarlettinthefutilityroom · 09/02/2017 20:35

Do you really think the only reason he's not seen his kid in 6 years is that he didn't have you on his side?

My ex would say this.

Truth is, he was abusive, he didn't show up to court, everything was in my favour, and we're all better off without him.

Run, run away. A 'good man' doesn't not see his kid in 6 years.

indigox · 09/02/2017 20:39

Stay out of it, not only has it got nothing to do with you you only know his side of the story and with that little information you want to disrupt a stranger's childs life.

I know my ex goes around telling everyone I'm crazy because I don't let him see DS and I moved away, and of course he has the whole charisma to make everyone love him, what he doesn't tell everyone, and what people don't see is what actually happened behind closed doors.

FairyDogMother11 · 09/02/2017 20:41

My father spun this kind of story. If he loved me so much and wanted to see me, as he likes to tell people, why does he blank me in the street every time he's seen me since I turned 18 over five years ago? He misses me I've heard. So why doesn't he do anything? Because he doesn't want to and he's putting on a show for everyone else. Don't listen to him please, if he really wants it he'll do it himself.

lalalalyra · 09/02/2017 20:44

OP what charities and the likes do you think that you can find out about that he couldn't have found out about in 6 years? Honestly, which do you think people wouldn't have told him about if he'd asked in all that time?

I have a friend with a son who has seen his father a handful of times in either 3 or 4 periods in the last 10 years. The fact that in each period where he was "desperate" to track down his son and "would do anything" to have a relationship with his son he had a new girlfriend or friend he wanted/needed to impressed was, I'm sure, purely coincidence...

kaputt · 09/02/2017 20:56

Another one with a dad who spun this to people for years and years.

We were in the phone book, he was in touch with relatives and friends who we were also in touch with, google exists, etc etc.

I met some of his friends in my 20s and they all told me what a 'terrible time' he'd had 'not knowing' us.

His loss!

partlyawake · 09/02/2017 21:03

If he's failed to gain access there is either good reason or he simply isn't motivated enough. In either case the child is better off without him and deserves better. If he has a thousand excuses for lack of motivation I suggest he tackle these issues first before you start this ludicrous mission to reunite him with the poor child!

c3pu · 09/02/2017 21:06

He needs to take the mother to mediation, and if that is refused, he needs to get mediation signed off as attempted or unsuitable, and then file three copies of form C100 at the local office of the family court, paying the fee of £215.

If he can read and can use Google, he can find out what he needs to do and act as a litigant in person, without spending thousands on legal fees.

Speaking from first hand experience, I am a man who did exactly this to secure my children's well-being.

I doubt this man's conviction and dedication to fatherhood.

DelphineCormier · 09/02/2017 21:13

My DD's sperm donor comes across like a nice normal guy. He would probably spin a nice line too about how I just didn't want to have him in DD's life, and leave out the part about how he assaulted me. He managed to get occasional contact with her under supervision in a contact centre because the law is crap, and I'm sure he has a very different version of events he spins to people as to why that is. My advice would be to stay far, far out of it. It's none of your business and you have no idea the reality of the situation bar what he's told you. Which may well be equally selective.

Original poster
Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 21:18

Colleague is like a sibling to me as are a lot of my colleagues. Our work environment is like a family unit and our boss is helping too. There are reasons why he "hasn't tried or asked these questions himself". Or rather he has and hasn't found anything that doesn't cost more money than he has had afte spending it all on getting legal advice and court hearings that got him seemingly nowhere because he didn't have an address for the dc.
He's not perfect. Nobody is. He accepts he has made mistakes in the past but nothing that would lead to him missing out on raising his dc. His dc also has a right to know who he is.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 09/02/2017 21:19

Come back in a month and let us know how much progress he has made with your help.

MrsDustyBusty · 09/02/2017 21:21

Well you're determined to be the hero so I hope it all stays fine for you.

Original poster
Crapfriends · 09/02/2017 21:24

Some of the court orders have simply been ignored in his case and it seems entirely unfair that she can refuse to take notice of these orders and he has to shell out money he doesn't have for her to ignore it.

OP posts:
bittapitta · 09/02/2017 21:25

He's not perfect. Nobody is. He accepts he has made mistakes in the past but nothing that would lead to him missing out on raising his dc. His dc also has a right to know who he is.

All the alarm bells, red flags, etc OP! Just leave him to it, don't invest so much of yourself emotionally, doesn't look good.