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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL & SIL BOOKED THEIR WEDDING 2 MONTHS BEFORE OURS

381 replies

wingingitmomma · 08/02/2017 23:20

Aibu?? My dear sweet mil popped in tonight (which I am surprised about because my daughter was asleep and she would of known that she only usually cares if she gets to see the baby) she stayed for about an hour it was a nice visit although I was kinda pissed because I cleaned the bathroom specially and she never went to the toilet to inspect it (I know how she loves to judge me) Anyway, she so happened to SLIP into the conversation that my OH brother booked their wedding 2 days ago. Great! I love a wedding when have they booked it for then she tells me 2 months before yours! Me and OH have had our wedding booked for a while. They are having a destination wedding 2 months before our freaking wedding our wedding is costing in excess of 10 grand there's no way we can afford this and even if we could we have a young baby who I would not feel happy to take on a plane for 10 hours or leave her for nearly a week which is what they are asking. they got engaged earlier this year after me and OH they have known the date of our wedding for sometime and I feel like they are stealing our thunder and trying to overshadow our big day! Am
I being unreasonable? I feel so put out that they have done this surely they know we can't afford to make their wedding! When Mil told me I had to act really happy for them but inside I was raging!

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 09/02/2017 12:14

You need to stop giving this headspace, otherwise it is going to overshadow your preparations. You have told BIL you cannot attend, now forget about it. It is up to him to deal with his upset, did he really think it was going to be possible for you to attend? Forget about SIL and concentrate on your own day. Whenever anyone introduces their wedding, just relate everything to your wedding and say breezily that you really don't have time to think about anyone else's wedding halfway around the world, what with being so busy with your own!

Pigflewpast · 09/02/2017 12:14

My sister announced her engagement at my wedding. After we had left so apparently that was fine Shock. She announced she was expecting the day I had first DC and again when I was in labour with second DC. That's how to steal someone's thunder. Getting married 2 months before? Not so much

AngryGinger · 09/02/2017 12:16

OP YABU but mostly I am upset that you cannot grasp the difference between "of" and "have" maybe if it was the day before yours I'd be upset, but not 2 months.

You're having a wedding day, not a wedding week, month or even year. Are you upset that you think they are stealing their thunder or that you can't go? Sounds like the former to me.

Also, people who choose to get married 10 hour flights away are probably well aware that it means lots of people wont be able to go, it's probably why they booked it in the first place!

SunflowerHouse · 09/02/2017 12:27

Yabu. I got married nearly a month before my db and sil. We had been engaged longer but not booked, they got engaged and book straight away. The venue we wanted only had 1 summer Saturday left and it just happened to be close to their date. I didn't want to postpone by a whole year as I wanted to try for a baby. It's a shame you're upset but I'm sure they have their reasons. It's not worth stressing over, it's the marriage that's important not the wedding day.

ohlittlepea · 09/02/2017 12:29

It is bad form, as a guest to both I'd think they were rude booking before you. But it also is just a wedding, it'll come out in the wash :)

P1nkP0ppy · 09/02/2017 12:31

....done very underhand... 😳
If it's really so dreadful rearrange yours for two months before theirs.

Ridiculous behaviour, smacks of jealousy and reeks of being a spoilt brat.

Astro55 · 09/02/2017 12:43

1 summer Saturday left and it just happened to be close to their date

Wonder what they thought???

Libbylove2015 · 09/02/2017 12:48

YANBU - I got married the same year as my brother. He proposed first and even though I am ten years older and therefore was not inclined to wait until the year after and I had ALWAYS wanted a spring wedding, I let them have their day first in May and got married in August.

It is bad manners to trump yours and go first, sorry. They should have waited.

As for whether you can go - YABU a bit - they can't wait until your baby is old enough, so you may have to take that on the chin.

JinnanTonik · 09/02/2017 12:50

Perhaps they are avoiding the stress and hassle of a UK family wedding by doing their own thing, they may want a small ceremony and this way they can 'price out' a lot of the family, harsh...yes! but perhaps they don't want all the cousins at their wedding! Unfortunately you cant make it, but you have more important things to look forward to.

Its THEIR wedding, how they get married is up to them, I think two months is acceptable, they may have been at the mercy of the destination, they could have chosen mid-monsoon season in the tropics if that would have made you happier?

I get the impression that you would secretly have liked a destination wedding but did the dutiful getting married with all the family surrounding you instead and it costing you the same as theirs but they are barefoot on a white sand beach in the tropics with a few close friends...its different strokes, as long as you enjoy your day what's the problem, there is none, only if you make it a problem!

Have a lovely day in good old blighty, surrounded by family and friends and most importantly marrying the man of your dreams with your beautiful child in attendance Flowers

KitKat1985 · 09/02/2017 13:07

I'm on the fence on this one. On the one hand I think your BIL and SIL getting married two months before you is a non-issue, especially when it's such a completely different style of wedding, so I don't think anyone's thunder is being stolen.

On the other hand it's unfair of them to make you feel bad about not being able to go to their wedding. With a young baby and a huge amount of expense tied up in your own wedding, clearly it's just not practical. You won't be alone on this - lots of people will decline to attend for similar reasons I'm sure, so BIL and SIL may be in for a few disappointments. I'm always a bit Hmm when couples get surprised that people don't want to / aren't able to spend £££ and use up that much holiday allowance to attend their 'special day'.

archersfan22 · 09/02/2017 13:15

We went to a relative's wedding in an overseas destination (because bride came from there), and in the end there were only four of us from the groom's side of the wedding. We went because when we heard about it, it was a place we were really excited about going to and we didn't really have any other holiday plans that year so we made it our main holiday for the year. However most other people, including the groom's brother, couldn't go for various reasons. That was much less than a 10 hour flight away.
So they are being unreasonable for pressuring you to go to their wedding when it doesn't work for you.
Having their wedding 2 months before you is neither here nor there however.

ilovechocolate07 · 09/02/2017 13:46

A destination wedding that will cost so close to yours is an inconvenience but they can choose to get married when is convenient for them too so it's tough. Also, not wishing to offend as it is a bug and special event but weddings seem to cause so much stress and I'll feeling. Whether it's date worries, gift worries, money, bridesmaids, family that it seems to take away from what essentially is an act of love and commitment between 2 people, for those people. It seems to dampen it. Do what is best for you, they have to nderstand that timing isn't great for you but it doesn't mean that you don't wish them well. I'm sure the rest of the family are feeling a bit 'argh'.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/02/2017 13:57

The time gap isn't such a big deal. The main thing is she wanted to have her wedding before you, and going by the 'joke' when you nearly cancelled your venue it looks like she's a jealous crank.

If you can't afford to go then that's it. Stop worrying about it, just tell them it's not happening. You haven't budgeted for it when saving up for your own wedding.

It won't make any difference to your wedding. Most people will go to yours as it's not a costly destination wedding so you will still have the same number of guests turn up.

As PP said she's trying to 'get in there first'. It will be to her detriment though as it's usually only very immediate family that feel obliged to go to a destination wedding.

You have a perfectly valid reason why you can't.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/02/2017 13:59

Or the other reason is sadly she just doesn't want BIL's family there and that's why she is doing it.

Headofthehive55 · 09/02/2017 14:03

You'll be the newlywed couple for longer in your family!

AngryGinger · 09/02/2017 14:06

Whenever anyone introduces their wedding, just relate everything to your wedding and say breezily that you really don't have time to think about anyone else's wedding halfway around the world, what with being so busy with your own!

For the love of god do not do this though!! Talk about bitter and resentful!

diddl · 09/02/2017 14:08

" is sadly she just doesn't want BIL's family there and that's why she is doing it."

Yeah, because men never get any input into their wedding, do they?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/02/2017 14:11

Yeah, because men never get any input into their wedding, do they?

Not if they have an overbearing and manipulative partner. SIL could well be one of them.

hearyoume · 09/02/2017 14:14

although I was kinda pissed because I cleaned the bathroom specially and she never went to the toilet to inspect it

Grin
Waltermittythesequel · 09/02/2017 14:22

I got married nearly a month before my db and sil. We had been engaged longer but not booked, they got engaged and book straight away

That's so selfish. It really is. The financial pressure on family should be reason enough not to pull a stunt like that.

OP you're only allowed to talk about your wedding on MN if you go on and on about how unimportant it is, and if you have it on a landfill, 50 miles from the nearest person, no guests, and a packet of pork scratchings as your wedding breakfast.

Anything else and you're precious.

MN loves to hate weddings and birthdays.

MargaretCavendish · 09/02/2017 15:08

I think that the idea that two weddings two months apart are particularly or disastrously close is such a strange one. I've just come through the sort of age (29-32) where I was going to about five/six weddings a year, and none of them felt less special for that. If anyone I knew got engaged now and didn't want to 'trump' weddings that we know are already planned then they'd have to wait until 2019 to get married, which seems like quite a big ask!

When we got engaged we decided to get married about six months later, which meant our wedding was a few weeks before our closest friends' wedding. We did ask them whether that was ok, as a courtesy, but to be honest I'd have thought they were bonkers if they had said they minded.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/02/2017 15:18

I'm with you OP, YANBU.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 09/02/2017 15:41

A wedding 2 months away from yours, is not stealing your thunder! They also don't have to check it's OK with you first.

Chill and stop being a bridezilla!

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 15:44

Hardly being a bridezilla.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 09/02/2017 15:50

I also know he's very upset not to have his family there apart from my MIL Who is going to attend.

Well its his wedding to - dont have it in a fancy destination abroad then!

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