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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL & SIL BOOKED THEIR WEDDING 2 MONTHS BEFORE OURS

381 replies

wingingitmomma · 08/02/2017 23:20

Aibu?? My dear sweet mil popped in tonight (which I am surprised about because my daughter was asleep and she would of known that she only usually cares if she gets to see the baby) she stayed for about an hour it was a nice visit although I was kinda pissed because I cleaned the bathroom specially and she never went to the toilet to inspect it (I know how she loves to judge me) Anyway, she so happened to SLIP into the conversation that my OH brother booked their wedding 2 days ago. Great! I love a wedding when have they booked it for then she tells me 2 months before yours! Me and OH have had our wedding booked for a while. They are having a destination wedding 2 months before our freaking wedding our wedding is costing in excess of 10 grand there's no way we can afford this and even if we could we have a young baby who I would not feel happy to take on a plane for 10 hours or leave her for nearly a week which is what they are asking. they got engaged earlier this year after me and OH they have known the date of our wedding for sometime and I feel like they are stealing our thunder and trying to overshadow our big day! Am
I being unreasonable? I feel so put out that they have done this surely they know we can't afford to make their wedding! When Mil told me I had to act really happy for them but inside I was raging!

OP posts:
DrScholl · 09/02/2017 22:00

mine did - was no issue at all. In fact was lovely

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 22:00

Wow groove that is close. Hope you and your brother are okay again now.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 09/02/2017 22:01

She is also diverting all the excitement from her over to you, making it your fault, when it's her other sons fault.

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 22:02

I should shouldn't I? I really am mad she's not my mum to cut off I don't know how il face her again.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 22:02

Forget the weddings.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 09/02/2017 22:03

What is you DP saying in responce?

Mumzypopz · 09/02/2017 22:04

You can mentally cut her off....Don't forget you have her grand child....

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 22:07

He said she was the embarsssment and small minded for saying that. I don't want to drag my LO into it I'm shocked she's risked that though.

OP posts:
Mumzypopz · 09/02/2017 22:10

You would actually be protecting your lo from a mad woman who has insulted your family...Anyway going now..Up to you..Good luck

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 22:13

Yeah thanks me and OH are going to be having a very serious chat about this tonight.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 09/02/2017 22:18

Looks like you are both on the same page at least!

I think they have spectacularly ruined your weddin whether intentionally or not! Weddings are supposed to bring you togetherness not rip people apart!

I see this as MIL doing - she isn't getting her own way so intends to rip you and your family apart!

(Awful comments about your dad and your brother - it's a bloody hard job caring for others)

bridetobe17 · 09/02/2017 22:18

Op that's a shocking thing for her to say, uninvite the bitch and go nc. She's a nasty piece of work

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 22:27

She doesn't understand anything like that she's very ignorant when it comes to disabled people. She thought we were being ridiculous to pay abit extra to accomdate a family memeber with a terminal illness to attend our wedding. This person means a lot to me

OP posts:
ChimpyChops · 09/02/2017 22:40

I don't actually have any advice about the BIL's wedding, if you can't afford to go then don't go. I wouldn't.

BUT, the last bit I have read has made me so angry and upset for you, your MIL is being way out of line and totally disgusting for calling your brother that. That would be enough for me to go no contact, uninvite her to my wedding and if DH (to be) does not follow my train of though, he would be uninvited too. Awful awful thing to say.

altiara · 09/02/2017 22:43
  1. i would have OH say that she is not invited to the wedding until she apologises. And that's being kind. I'd also withdraw contact as I would want my baby being exposed to someone like this.
  2. get OH to say he doesn't want to go to the wedding without you and baby. (You said this near the beginning). His DB chose when and where to have the wedding. If he wanted you to go he would have chosen differently. Fact. You are not going because you don't have the money or holiday spare. Fact. Repeat this over and over again. MIL just wants an escort. It is fine for your OH not to want to be the escort.
  3. your wedding is your wedding. If DB and SIL want to celebrate their wedding, they do so on their day. Repeat over and over.

Can't get over MIL morphing into mrs evil.

altiara · 09/02/2017 22:44

would not want my baby being exposed to someone like this

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/02/2017 22:58

I agree with Altiara above.

I think they did try to steal your thunder by booking 2 months ahead. But unfortunately there are always people like this!

£10,000 is not that expensive for a wedding nowadays so I am surprised you are getting stick for this.

It is lovely that you are thinking about how to accommodate your brother and other sick relative.

Anyone who choses to have an expensive destination wedding has to accept people even close family may not be able to attend for all sorts of reasons - cost, annual leave issues etc, short notice. If there are certain people they insist on being there they should budget that in their costs. Otherwise they should just accept some won't be there.

If they want a party after for those who can't go they arrange it and pay for it. They do not tag themselves onto your do!

It is no longer expected for a bride's dad to pay for the wedding and especially when you set out your dad's position noone would expect s contribution. I bet if your Dad is doing all that for your brother he would if he could.

Your MIL's rant about your Dad and brother (especially the term she referred to your brother) is simply unacceptable. Your OH should explain this to her and insist she apologises or she will not be welcome at the wedding - her choice.

I hope you get the apology you deserve from MIL and if BIL is fairly reasonable perhsps have a conversation with him as to why you can't attend theirs/ don't want a shared reception

Headofthehive55 · 09/02/2017 23:23

The cost of your wedding is not expensive. It's about the cost of those in don't tell the bride. There are lots of economies on those programmes!
They aren't flash weddings!
Just keep on telling her you have no money. Not up to your dad or anyone else to pay for you to go!

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 09/02/2017 23:26

Me and OH have had a rather emotional chat he's going to straighten his mum out and he said we deserve an apology from now on we will refuse to discuss bil wedding with mil and he is going to call BIL tomorrow and explain about the reception. I take the point it's up to them when they get married I respect that but oh is going to explain we cannot be guilted into getting into more debt

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2017 01:56

OP leave it to your dh. Be as frosty as you like. She is barny!

Sorry this is so miserable.

"And let's be honest, most people are not that keen on attending other people's weddings" I love weddings and sharing my friends not with them! How sad for those who do not.

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2017 01:57

Sharing my friends happiness with them!

Italiangreyhound · 10/02/2017 02:07

If you cannot afford to go, you cannot afford to go.

Her comments about your dad and brother have shown her true colours, she is utterly self-centered.

Original poster
wingingitmomma · 10/02/2017 07:10

No you're right we have a agreed there is absolutely no way we can go to the wedding. It's a sad fact but true it's just do possible for more then one reason it's not just us trying to be difficult.

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 10/02/2017 09:46

most of the comments have been about my wedding and how much it's cost which isn't th point

I agree OP - it isn't the point at all.

T my mind the post is that your wedding has been carefully planned and saved for (I wouldn't spend that much myself, and obviously nor would many on here, but IT ISN'T OUR WEDDING SO NONE OF OUR BUSINESS! You have a soon-to-be-SIL who has a history of playing unpleasant and cruel "jokes" and now she has decided to get married very shortly before you in a distant destination (her wedding, her choice). But I do think she is being deliberately bolshy and trying to steal your thunder.

It is none of your mother's business who pays for your wedding, nor is it her business whether or not you go to your brother's. If she's that bothered, let HER pay for it - it's not for her to tell other people how to spend their money, and I think that you and your DP taking full responsibility for all the costs is a very adult thing to do. You aren't children, and you have been together for some time - your responsibility. I'm sure your dad will offer what he can as a wedding gift, and he is in a situation where he can only offer his blessing, then there is nothing wrong with that.

I did think you were a little unkind, but I have to admit I've lost my temper with people on here before (or rather, a person) and made a post I regretted because it was personal, so I'm no better than you have been.

I think all of the people who say "It wouldn't bother me" can't really speak until it's happened to them, with the same history of subtle spite behind it. I would have been upset if it had happened to me.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 10/02/2017 09:52

wingingitmomma good result that you and DP are on the same page. You need to be united against MIL.
And agree go straight to BIL/SIL, do not be discussing this with MIL. I wouldn't believe anything she says, she could just be stirring the shit.

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