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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband is stealing my hobby

158 replies

AngelPot81 · 08/02/2017 21:08

I have never really had a hobby or anything I have ever been very good at. Last year I started running and I felt like I had finally found 'my thing'. I'm not particularly good at it but I have been enjoying it. Until that is my OH decided he also wanted to get into running. We are both training to do a half marathon next month, we don't run together (we have young children so have to take it in turns), but my OH has got so into it that it's making me question my own ability. He's so focused on the miles, speed and the food he's eating. He comes in from a run and is all 'that feels good, that was amazing, that was my fasted time yet'.
I run and find every single mile hard, really bloody hard. I have never tried to muscle in on his hobbies, there are quite a few. I feel put out and I just wanted my thing to be my thing. Does anyone understand this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Huldra · 10/02/2017 08:41

I get easily obsessed with measuring pace, distance etc Training within heart rate zones is pure joy to me and I do love a gadget. Luckily for my husband, he doesn't do sport and I am mainly competitive with myself. Otherwise dear god he would find me so irritating Blush I am irritating but he seems to cope.

Lweji · 10/02/2017 08:48

plus sides - a fit hubby and one who is understanding about your hobbie who looks after your kids so you can exercise.

Why is the second a plus?
Whose kids?

LaContessaDiPlump · 10/02/2017 08:50

I hate when DH starts doing whatever it is I'm doing - I view it as mental laziness.

I did the work of considering what activity to choose, selecting a training strategy, scheduling in runs (for example) and so on; he OTOH just watches me for a while then announces he will do the same, follows my routine slavishly and then smugly announces how well he's done and how it wasn't really that hard and he can't see what I was going on about. Fucking irritating. Go do your own shit and leave me alone.

My mother would copy whatever I did too - again, it was pure mental laziness. She couldn't choose something for herself and commit to it, someone else had to do it first and then she'd tag herself on whether wanted or not. Wound me up no end, esp as she'd have hated it if anyone had ever reciprocated.

It's nice to have your own thing that no other bugger interferes with.

2rebecca · 10/02/2017 09:25

With the art thing I would just tell him to stop copying you. It's the sort of thing small kids do, they like to copy mummy and feel involved. Fine in young kids but annoying in an adult.

wettunwindee · 10/02/2017 09:51

Why is the second a plus?
Whose kids?

Because he is happily looking after her children so she can go running. Exactly the same way she looks after his children so he can go running.

Children are a joint project. Giving the other 'leave' to enjoy their own pursuits is almost always beneficial and should be reciprocated but it isn't necessarily to be expected.

You can untwist those knickers now!

Formerpigwrestler9 · 10/02/2017 10:00

A backpeddling explanation followed by a patronising put down from wettun...

VivDeering · 10/02/2017 10:38

A backpeddling explanation followed by a patronising put down from wettun

Yep.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/02/2017 11:33

I can tell you right now its a boy thing. I can't do any activity without wanting to crush others. You'd rather appear to succeed by causing / encouraging / allowing others to do badly, than achieve an objectively better result by striving to be the best you can? Don't you see how self-defeating that is?

Perhaps you meant 'be better than', 'beat in competition' rather than 'crush'. You do see that crush implies harm? Perhaps you mean it mentally, you want to crush their egos? There's an implicit assumption there that their egos are as fragile as yours. Maybe they're mentally stronger, more mature, better people than you, so that doesn't apply.

If that isn't what you meant, just 'beat them in competition', using the competition to drive yourself to do the best you possibly can, then the word 'crush' doesn't fit, you'd be describing it in terms of your own achievement.

I've come across immature people in the workplace who think like this - that putting, and doing other people down makes them look better. They're anti-productive and a liability. Not successful people at all, because they can't inspire, connect and lead. Well, perhaps some gravitate towards fields where destructive behaviour is rewarded and, unlike in life, things are set up to appear to be a zero sum game.

In a sporting context though, where's the boost to your ego in 'crushing' someone from a different competitive category, who no-one would expect to be as fast as you? "Whoohoo, I can beat a four-year-old and a seventy-four year-old at the hundred metres, aren't I great!" No, you sound like a twat. That's why the DH competing against the OP would be so absurd - though it's not clear he's actually doing this. The 'we're blokes, we can't help it' explanation makes it sound like you would though!

I think if you both joined club(s) OP, you'd find your own people and get as much support or competition as you wanted. Your DH will quickly find people, in his category, who are faster than him (and who can't be 'crushed' however hard he tries). Might be good for his soul!

Top tip - if you can carry on running for long enough, enough other people drop out that you can do quite well in the 60+ and 70+ categories. Not crushing the opposition so much as natural wastage (mostly of knees, hips and motivation). Not an entirely contrived victory either, since carrying on running competitively at that age is something of an achievement in itself.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 10/02/2017 11:43

I don't see what the problem is. You both run at different times so what does it matter. Good for you for discovering something you enjoy and want to improve at. Good for him for discovering something he enjoys and wants to improve at. There's no patent on running! I suspect the problem is not the running per se but how he makes you feel about it. Perhaps ask him to not discuss times / personal bests etc as it makes you feel like your running is inferior to his and puts you off. But don't stop running OP...that would be a real shame.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/02/2017 12:00

I think the problem is probably that Op's DH is not saying 'wow, well done, you're doing so well, look how much you've improved' and is saying 'wow, look at me, aren't I amazing'. So self-absorption, vanity, insensitivity and lack of care for her feelings.

Also perhaps a confusion of objective and subjective success. Of course he's going to be faster than OP* but a sensible response is 'so what?' not 'thus her achievements are irrelevant and his more important'.

*Caveat, I am objectively a better distance runner than male DP. There's no 'of course' in general, just on average and, as described, in this specific case.

wettunwindee · 10/02/2017 14:07

Formerpigwrestler9

VivDeering

Um, I think you need to read more carefully. Why was I backpedalling?

Gwilt160981 · 10/02/2017 14:17

You must've inspired him. Least he isn't sitting around stuffing his face and becoming a couch potato. Give him a break.

MyWineTime · 10/02/2017 16:17

It's nice to have your own thing that no other bugger interferes with.
How is he interfering with what she is doing though?
He's doing his thing, she's doing her thing.

It really does sound like some of you just don't like your partners if this causes you so much stress.

Jaxhog · 10/02/2017 17:13

YANBU. We have a rule in our house. Only one person participates in a hobby at a time.

He IS competing. I bet he never asks you how you're progressing or asks how he can support you or even whether you are still enjoying the running. No, he's made it all about him not you. I'd be pissed off too.

shovetheholly · 10/02/2017 17:22

Ooof. I do think this is a teeny bit unreasonable if he's enjoying it (millions of people run, after all) but I can see how his attitude would really feel like your personal achievements/interests are being bulldozed. My DH is a 1 hr 20 half marathon runner, and I am most definitely not, but he is really careful to be supportive of my (comparatively pathetic) efforts. We generally allow each other the five minutes after a run to vent and talk about how it went, and then leave it to move on to other things. Otherwise you can both become running bores!

First of all, remember that your running is for YOU and no-one can take that away from you. Yes, Jessica Ennis-Hill might be able to zoom around a track at the speed of light, but that doesn't make you setting a PB that is a bit slower any less of an achievement! Smile Don't measure yourself against him or anyone else. Just stay focused on being the best you can be.

Secondly, just tell him that you're finding his attitude stressy and intense and a bit much. That you're pleased he's setting great times, but you could also use some support/encouragement and that might mean him restricting the running talk to the immediate aftermath of a run and then leaving it! (If he's THAT pushy about it, he may well end up injuring himself - sometimes it's those who pace themselves that get the most out of running).

One idea might be to take up a slightly different kind of running so the comparisons aren't so valid (quietly, without telling him)? I'm thinking of something like fell running or fartlek or orienteering?

Mynestisfullofempty · 10/02/2017 17:31

Jaxhog "YANBU. We have a rule in our house. Only one person participates in a hobby at a time."

Sorry, but I think that's bizarre. I said earlier in the thread, I'd love it if any of my family shared my hobby. I can't fathom why only one person is allowed to be interested in the same thing at the same time. Shared interests can be nice.

RiverTamFan · 10/02/2017 18:07

I get how someone leaping onto your hobby saps the joy out of it. I know my DH has self esteem issues (literally his psychiatrist says so Smile) and needs to prove himself. When I took up knitting again, he had to take it up again. It'seems all about how he can knit a hat far faster than me, how his was finished ages ago. True. Because I enjoy the process and he doesn't.
In the end, I've waited him out. I knitted a Moss stitch infinity scarf which won't win awards but will keep my neck warm and I made it myself. He has 6 inches of complicated cable stitch that he gave up on when he made a mistake. He just can't seem to join me in a hobby without accidentally crushing the fun out of it.

nannieann · 10/02/2017 19:41

I totally agree that YANBE and this strikes a chord with me. When I first got together with DH I was attending pottery classes. Of course he had to join the same class and outdo me at it, as he is far more artistic than I am. It was my thing to do on my own and helped me get to know a different set of people. In the end I gave it up as it wasn't the same once he was there. Then he gave it up too! I don't think there was anything either competitive or controlling in his reasons. He just wanted a share of the fun. We have plenty of hobbies we share. Sometimes it's just good to have one of your own! Good luck with the running. It's definitely worth while.

fattuatara · 10/02/2017 19:45

I completely understand how you feel! But don't let him force you into feeling like giving up. It sounds like you've done amazing things for someone who says she's not a runner. Go run that half marathon - set yourself a hard but realistic time goal based on your training progress (not his) and try and ignore him. This should be about proving to yourself that you can do it and do better than you thought when you started - not beating him. Just enjoy it xx

CantReach · 10/02/2017 19:45

DP and I are very similar in our interests but different in the way that I like a bit of alone time and he'd rather have company. We have a 1 year old so now I look forward to having a pee by myself...

I sympathise OP, if I get time to go for a run, read a book, or just have a bath, I want to have some time to myself - not share it with anyone.

To all the posters who can't see the problem, for me it doesn't matter how generic a hobby is. I like running because I get half an hour to listen to music and do something just for myself. I dont want it to be a social thing. I love reading but would never join a book club. I'm outgoing and social but I need some time alone or I get a bit frazzled.

2rebecca · 10/02/2017 20:14

I agree that it does sound like a relationship problem if the men always want to play one upmanship with theirwives over hobbies and the women feel unable to tell them to piss off and find their own hobby not try and compete at theirs.
We have some hobbies we share and some we do together. I never feel we're competing in our shared hobbies though but my husband isn't a topper. If he was I'd tell him to butt out though. It sounds like it's self assertiveness classes that are needed as the new hobby for many here, especially piano woman.

MyWineTime · 10/02/2017 21:09

We have a rule in our house. Only one person participates in a hobby at a time
What a bizarre rule! Why can't people enjoy things together? Why can't they enjoy competing? Why can't they enjoy things individually?
Why are some families so insecure that they can't cope with other family members doing the same things? Is this just immediate family or does it include extended family too?

2rebecca · 10/02/2017 22:55

The one person in a hobby at a time doesn't work for some family sports where everyone has to go for the day so you might as well join in.
I ended up fell running years ago because I got fed up of hanging around at fell races so thought I may as well do it too.

mumindoghouse · 11/02/2017 00:51

I put my fingers in my ears and go
La la
La lL la la la

mumindoghouse · 11/02/2017 00:55

Yeah. Me time is needed. Sometimes I know I'm frazzled. No-one's done anything wrong but I need space. I sleep on sofa. No argument. No irritation with DP. Just me being a mardy arse. But after that I'm on an even keel again.
So I get your frustrations OP. UADNBU