Husband is stealing my hobby

[AngelPot81]

I have never really had a hobby or anything I have ever been very good at. Last year I started running and I felt like I had finally found 'my thing'. I'm not particularly good at it but I have been enjoying it. Until that is my OH decided he also wanted to get into running. We are both training to do a half marathon next month, we don't run together (we have young children so have to take it in turns), but my OH has got so into it that it's making me question my own ability. He's so focused on the miles, speed and the food he's eating. He comes in from a run and is all 'that feels good, that was amazing, that was my fasted time yet'.
I run and find every single mile hard, really bloody hard. I have never tried to muscle in on his hobbies, there are quite a few. I feel put out and I just wanted my thing to be my thing. Does anyone understand this or am I being unreasonable?

I think I get this. Maybe some of us who are juggling DC, work etc feel we have given up a lot of freedom to just pick up a hobby, maintain it etc. We want something just for us. Something that DH/P's aren't part of. I volunteered for an organisation and loved it. It was my thing...the thing I did which didn't involve any of the family, the DC, DH...just my thing. DH is now a big shot on the Board of said organisation. I feel pushed out and whilst I kept on doing what I was doing, it doesn't feel the same. Sympathies, OP.

Sorry about some of the unfeeling replies here. This has not happened to me, but I can empathise and I think your husband is being a dick.

I have two probably unhelpful comments.

1 - Have you tried swimming? It might assist with your breathing for running and if you choose unpopular times at the pool it is so lovely being alone in one's lane.

2- I actually only clicked because I read the title as "Husband stealing is my hobby" (ahem) and I was hoping for a juicy scandal post.

I totally feel your pain OP.

Dh does this as well, although he has thousands of his own hobbies.

I was always the long distance runner - ploddy but dedicated, but as I got older decided I didn't fancy the longer runs and discovered parkrun which is a weekly timed 5k.

Parkrun is amazing - I love the camaraderie, the cheers of encouragement even if you're at the back, and I loved the headspace of going there alone. For me it was never about getting PBs - great if I did, but actually committing and going there was the thing.

Fine until DH decided he wanted to give it a go as well. Fair enough but then he'd moan about how slow he was ( good 5-10 mins faster than me) and one time he had a dramatic gasping fit at the finishing line as he had pushed himself too hard. So the focus was always on him and how hard he'd pushed himself and what he wanted his next time to be.

Did it a few times with DS but he got bored, so then we had to take turns to go to it as one of us needed to be at home with DS. As soon as I'd get in from my turn, he'd be asking what time I'd got and I'd feel down if it wasn't a fast (for me) one.

I had to totally change my focus as I was getting distressed about my slow times and how rubbish I clearly was compared to everyone else. So now instead I have a goal of running 50 by the time I'm 50.

In the meantime DH lost interest as it was a bit too repetitive for him and not enough opportunity to buy new things and has moved on to climbing mountains again, which I'm happy to leave to him.

It's all about point of view. It's essentially a good thing he's keeping fit but i also kinda had similar issues with my dh, but 1) I was happy to accept he was better than me, I felt no competition at all and 2) it's a a very easy way to stroke their egos. 'My didn't you do well!'

This is fascinating. Those of you who have had a hobby "stolen" from you, what is it exactly that you resent?

Is it that something you find difficult is coming easier to someone else (and you feel they're bragging about it)?

Or is it that something that was just for you is now being shared (like everything else in your life)?

Or something else?

Don't pull out of the half Marathon, OP! Set yourself the goal of finishing it, and don't worry about your time or your DH's time. I run a bit (have done a couple of half marathons, but not very fast) and I find that some people (not just men) do get quite competitive about times etc. I don't have a Fitbit or anything so I never know my times and distances accurately (except in an actual race). I find that's the best way not to enter into the competition!

Are you still enjoying running? If so, please don't stop. You are doing this for you, not to be the fastest runner ever, but to be the best you can be.

He sounds very competitive, maybe you should compare his times with marathon runners...

Yes, just run and don't share info with him on your progress, and leave him too it.

Where I live is hilly and I often see people running, alone and in groups, varying speeds, ages and sizes, it's hard work with the hills etc and I have only ever slow jogged on a treadmill so am in awe of them all!

Pyong - Yes, she is - and I wouldn't care she's a beautiful girl, and very sweet-natured and gentle, and he's the most miserable, lazy-arsed, selfish tw*t you could imagine. She spends her entire life being taken advantage of and bullied by him, their kids and her family (father and her siblings). Her kids aren't bad people but are totally selfish - I think they're so used to putting on their mother they don't realise that they do it.

Feetup - No, she hasn't got another piano. And now she doesn't have time anyway because DIL dumps kids on her (often at short notice) for days at a time (she also has their dog living with her because DIL doesn't like it because it's dirty, but takes it every couple of months to use for stud). My friend won't refuse to keep it because the grand-children love it. (I have suggested that she take it to get it neutered and say the vet told her it had testicular cancer and had to be chopped - she's had the dog EIGHT years, paying all bills etc. It's terrified of her DIL and pees itself every time it sees her, and generally it's a feisty dog, not shy at all. God knows what she does to the poor bugger the few weeks of the year she has him.)

She makes excused for DH all the time ("He's just thinking of me." is he hell as like!)

There's a lot more to this too, but any further detail would definitely be outing (may have said to much already).

Drives me and the rest of her friends crackers.

Like the guys who spend all afternoon in the kitchen with expensive ingredients and want all the glory.

And leave every worktop covered with dirty pans and spoons and bowls, having used every implement in the kitchen and washed none of them up (also the cooker covered with Burnt On Stuff!) Pickle

Yes Yorick.

I think he should be very proud of his achievements.

every time she takes something up, he decides to do it too and gets really competitive
Then don't compete!
It's not a competition when only one person is making it one.
If he tells you about his fastest time, say 'well done' He's competing against himself, not you. It doesn't even sound like the OP's DH is comparing himself to her.
Set your own standards for what you want out of your hobby, let him set his standards.

I just don't understand what kind of relationship dynamic makes this such a problem.

It's all about wanting to dominate situations
Or be the best that he can be, but you carry on squashing it out of him. Can't have your DC being too successful can you!

Running is a great way to exercise at a relatively high intensity and get all the benefits that follow from that.
You get the benefits just as much from slower running, infact slower running is probable less likely to lead to injuries.

Some people are athletically gifted and respond more strongly to training.

Think about the actual point of running, it's generally not done for the purpose of getting from point a to point b as quickly as possible (if thatthat were the purpose you'd cycle or drive) so speed is irrelevant.
Log your body composition, the loss of belly fat, the reduction iin resting heart rate and blood pressure.
Those are the things that matter!

Someone asked up-thread why does it matter when your partner chooses your sport/hobby and starts competing?

It's kind of self-evident isn't it. OP's DH could have chosen cycling, tri-athalons, even running but a different variation from the OP i.e. cross country, difference distances etc. instead he chooses exactly the same sport as the OP. Now fair enough with young children running is excellent as you get a great amount of exercise benefits in a short period of time.

However surely it's fairly obvious that picking exactly the same sport as your partner and then throwing yourself into it with even more enthusiasm is not the nicest thing to do.

In my case I blame it on the difference between DH and I's personalities.

He doesn't like being on his own, enjoys discussing stats and details and actively likes doing his hobbies with others then complaining about how slowly they walk up mountains.
I prefer being on my own, enjoying it at my own pace and relishing my own improvements, quietly and internally. I also know I'm not particularly athletic so I'm never going to be that fast and that it doesn't matter as long as I'm out there.

I think if you are in a relationship then you should be able to say "can you please find a different hobby as I don't like it when you take up mine as I feel you are trying to compete with me and be better than me"
Piano man sounds awful but if his wife can't see how nasty he is (selling a pianists piano is never a nice thing to do) then there is nothing she can do.
I can understand not saying anything the first time a man takes up your hobby but if he repeatedly does it then I would just tell him it's annoying and upsetting and you feel he's always trying to be a "topper".
Toppers aren't nice people.
Men do tend to get more obsessional about sports than women though.

OP, do you realise that when he breathes he's stealing your air as well?

Yes he's a topper! I love that term. I am going to suggest that he looks at the triathlons, we have a group locally. He has a fancy road bike and he can swim. This way he will still be running but he can have a different 'thing'. 👍🏻 Thanks and I'm really glad I wasn't the only one who felt a bit irritated with their OH/colleagues/parents muscling in on their hobbies 😊

Ethylred-moot point on the air...

Running is hard, it can be hard to initiate and stick to an exercise schedule, your husband should be praising and encouraging you for taking steps to improve your health, not engaging in one up manship.

If running doesn't come easily to you then you deserve more kudos than him because you've had to put in more effort and have more grit

If he wants to compare himself to somone he should join a runners club, there will be people who are in his league and he'll have to work really hard to score points off of them

I can tell you right now its a boy thing. I can't do any activity without wanting to crush others. Currently entering in a stage of the Tour de France this year in the Alps with a group of mates and I've been secretly training midweek so that when we go out on weekends i can be the fastest. I recently discovered one of the others was doing similar.

Your best bet is to just tell him exactly how you feel, he will stop bragging if you do. Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them :p

Men do tend to get more obsessional about sports than women though
maybe, but also I think men are a bit more likely to have (or feel entitled to have) the spare time which is required to fully immerse yourself in endurance based sports.

For the record I am more exercised obsessed than my partner, even though he is much more athletically gifted than I am.
He was the type to win prizes in school sports where as I was always picked last for the netball team :(

I can tell you right now its a boy thing. I can't do any activity without wanting to crush others
hmm, but nature or nurture etc

Happy - that's so sad. Your poor friend.

Angel - I think seeing your hobbies as different is the way forward - he does competitive running, you do meditative running. If he's deliberately comparing you and putting you down, point out that it's not how to be in a relationship and he's being an arse.

However surely it's fairly obvious that picking exactly the same sport as your partner and then throwing yourself into it with even more enthusiasm is not the nicest thing to do.

No, it's really not obvious to me! My boyfriends have quite often got in to some of "my" hobbies. It's nice to share them, practice together and spend more time with each other. Within two weeks of weightlifting my new boyfriend (a complete beginner) and surpassed all of my hard won PBs.

I'm genuinely trying to understand why it's a bad thing, but telling me it's obvious is not going to get me there.