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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is stealing my hobby

158 replies

AngelPot81 · 08/02/2017 21:08

I have never really had a hobby or anything I have ever been very good at. Last year I started running and I felt like I had finally found 'my thing'. I'm not particularly good at it but I have been enjoying it. Until that is my OH decided he also wanted to get into running. We are both training to do a half marathon next month, we don't run together (we have young children so have to take it in turns), but my OH has got so into it that it's making me question my own ability. He's so focused on the miles, speed and the food he's eating. He comes in from a run and is all 'that feels good, that was amazing, that was my fasted time yet'.
I run and find every single mile hard, really bloody hard. I have never tried to muscle in on his hobbies, there are quite a few. I feel put out and I just wanted my thing to be my thing. Does anyone understand this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 08/02/2017 22:41

YABU. He's not stealing anything from you or stopping you from doing it. Why does the fact your dh now enjoys something have to take away from your enjoyment? I get that you don't want to compete and you can't really compete anyway. Someone you love has found something they enjoy - why not be happy for him?

llangennith · 08/02/2017 22:44

That would totally piss me off.

Surreyblah · 08/02/2017 22:47

Don't stop the half marathon. So what if DH's time is better?

Stop disclosing your distances, times etc and say something passive if he blethers on too much about himself. You run separately, so that time and hobby is still yours.

Is he actually being competitive with you, or just talking about himself?

Surreyblah · 08/02/2017 22:48

I do yoga, DH does bugger all flexibility stuff and can still touch his toes, stand up from a low squat etc, when I can't - just genetics!

morningconstitutional2017 · 08/02/2017 22:54

I understand that you feel that he's hijacked your hobby but it's said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery or something like that. Maybe he saw the benefits you got from it and thought that he'd like to benefit too. So don't feel too bad about it. Perhaps when the children are older you might like to go running together.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/02/2017 22:56

I would defer the place because then it takes away the competition, and he will either lost intrest or find a club to pit himself against. Then go at your own pace and dont tell him that you are doing it next year until applications are closed.

I have known people like this and its pathetic.

It isnt that you inspire them (which I think perhaps the mother with the handicrafts may be) but that they need to be the biggest, best, fastest, whatever, so will take whatever you are into and try to best you. Oh and if they find that they cant best you then suddenly that thing is stupid or pointless or boring........ Can you tell I had a friend like this?

She spent nearly £6k on a trailer tent and top of the range equipment because she got to know someone else who was into tenting. It was used twice Hmm

hoddtastic · 08/02/2017 22:59

running is a very mid 30's hobby. It's not obscure enough for it to be your thing- the PP who said 'tell him to benchmark against someone else' is right.

let it flow over you

MyWineTime · 08/02/2017 23:08

Sorry but I think you need to pull your big girl pants up and get a grip.
He's not stopping you from doing anything or removing your ability to enjoy it. If you don't want to compete with him, don't compete! He hasn't stolen anything, you still have it, there isn't a limited amount to go around.
Why can't you be happy for him that he has found something that he enjoys?
You don't have to enjoy things the same way that he does.

I had a similar thing with the photography, my DH took some amazing shots that I would never have never thought of. I was pleased for him. It doesn't matter who is better, we both have a different approach and get different things from it.

Hannah4banana · 08/02/2017 23:18

Doesn't bother me in the slightest, I'm a runner, now hubbie is trying to lose weight and I fully support him.
No need for competition. Just do your own thing!

2rebecca · 08/02/2017 23:20

I agree with the tell him how you feel thing. I joined the cycle club my husband had joined but checked first my husband was OK with that as I didn't want him to feel I was muscling in on his hobby as I do have plenty of other hobbies. He was happy with it though, and would have told me if he'd rather i did other stuff. He knows I'm no threat though.
It's not surprising a man runs faster than a woman though so I wouldn't feel disheartened.

DJBaggySmalls · 08/02/2017 23:24

He's not being reasonable to benchmark against you; men and women dont compete against each other in athletics.
He should go join a club and compete with other men.

LilacSpatula · 08/02/2017 23:30

Just tell him you don't want to know and aren't interested in the times etc. Tell him you're doing it for completely different reasons and refuse to engage in further conversations about it. Crack on and do your thing!

HappyFlappy · 08/02/2017 23:34

A friend's husband is like this - every time she takes something up, he decides to do it too and gets really competitive. So far he has ruined cycling, swimming and running for her (because he actually insists on doing it with her and showing how much faster he is etc.

To me the worst was when she decided she wanted to do an OU course (Eng Lit). She had had a stroke and was recovering and wanted to use herself, a bit. She was doing very nicely - it was hard work, but she was getting pass marks formal of her essays (low passes e.g. 42, 43 etc, but passes) and he decided HE was going to do an OU course too. And guess what subject? English Lit. The bastard! He got MUCH better marks than she ever had a hope of and was revoltingly smug about it. She gave up, poor girl.

The only thing she could do that he never managed was playing the piano. While she as in hospital her sold her piano because "she needed a holiday when she came out". (Ie - he wanted a holiday and the piano was surplus to HIS requirements). It broke her heart, but she felt she couldn't complain because "he was doing it for her".

Git.

HappyFlappy · 08/02/2017 23:35

*stretch herself, not use

have no idea where that came from

5OBalesofHay · 08/02/2017 23:38

I taught dh to ride and helped him choose his horse. We ride out together and love it. I jump he doesn't and it doesn't matter (though I do sometimes think his mare is the other woman) Shared hobies are for tome together not competition

ReasonsToBeModeratelyHappy · 08/02/2017 23:39

As others have said, you're only involved in a competition with him if you choose to be. Just tell him that you're running for your own enjoyment, and don't want to compete, it spoils it.

On average, a man will be faster, stronger, and build more muscle for a given amount of practice, so it's just pointless to even get into all that (unless you want to devote your life to being an elite athlete just to annoy him!) - and he's a bit immature to want to compete in that way.

My ex used to be unable to slow down and do any activity at my speed (running, cycling, sex!...), and it meant we never enjoyed anything much together. I'm now with a much fitter bloke, but he never tries to make anything a competition - he goes for punishing cycle rides, up steep hills for miles by himself, but if we go together, he enjoys things at a pace I can enjoy too.

If your DH can't be constructive in sharing your hobby, just treat it as completely separate, and never give him information to compare.

Mynestisfullofempty · 08/02/2017 23:43

I can't understand this attitude because I would love it if any of my family shared my hobby. I suppose that's my fault because I've never been competitive at all.

tava63 · 09/02/2017 00:01

Do you think that instead of being competitive with you he actually has a fragile ego that needs to be propped up by your attention?

roseshippy · 09/02/2017 00:03

agreed that running isn't really a niche hobby, it's like saying 'i like wine', or something

ollieplimsoles · 09/02/2017 00:06

I agree with tava

He sounds exactly like my dad- no one can be better at him than anything. If someone od getting attention from others for a talent they have, he takes it up straight away and really works on beating them.
My mum took up aerobics classes when me and my sister were little. She went with her sil and it was her time to do something fun for herself. My dad warmed his way into going to, he was the only man there, a year later he was teaching the fucking classes. My poor mum couldn't have anything for herself.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/02/2017 00:06

Yabu.

Dh has been running for years. I've recently taken it up. He's been nothing but supportive, which is a huge help.

Theiggorcist · 09/02/2017 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/02/2017 02:12

Happy what a total cunt. Thats not "supportive" or "joining in" that's fucking abusive.

Is she still with him?

SittingWithMyFeetUP12 · 09/02/2017 06:03

HappyFlappy...I hope she got another piano or keyboard.. :-(

SansComic · 09/02/2017 06:20

I think you're coming across as quite selfish AngelPot.

He isn't taking anything away from your achievements. He sin;t rubbing your face in it or making you do something you don't want to. You don't even run together.

He's just taking it more seriously than you ie. diet and pushing himself harder. It's a different approach and neither is better or worse than the other.

If you want to be better you could try harder. If you're happy with how you're doing then what's the issue.

Is it jealousy?

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