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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband is stealing my hobby

158 replies

AngelPot81 · 08/02/2017 21:08

I have never really had a hobby or anything I have ever been very good at. Last year I started running and I felt like I had finally found 'my thing'. I'm not particularly good at it but I have been enjoying it. Until that is my OH decided he also wanted to get into running. We are both training to do a half marathon next month, we don't run together (we have young children so have to take it in turns), but my OH has got so into it that it's making me question my own ability. He's so focused on the miles, speed and the food he's eating. He comes in from a run and is all 'that feels good, that was amazing, that was my fasted time yet'.
I run and find every single mile hard, really bloody hard. I have never tried to muscle in on his hobbies, there are quite a few. I feel put out and I just wanted my thing to be my thing. Does anyone understand this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Jaysis · 09/02/2017 13:35

The only thing she could do that he never managed was playing the piano. While she as in hospital her sold her piano because "she needed a holiday when she came out". (Ie - he wanted a holiday and the piano was surplus to HIS requirements). It broke her heart, but she felt she couldn't complain because "he was doing it for her"

She would have been totally justified at going on that holiday - with a lover!

IamWendy · 09/02/2017 13:40

Op, what about Nordic walking? Very good for you, and no gruelling running.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/02/2017 13:44

Oh dear, I started cycling because DP does. He encouraged me; but I do it more than him now and am improving faster.

I started because it was "something else in common" more than "stealing his hobby"; but still.

I started running after he did, too. He can go further but I can go faster. We run together, sometimes, or run alone and then tell each other how we did.

I'm not sure how you're carrying on if you're hating every mile, kudos for that! I hope he hasn't put a dampener on it, and he goes for your triathlon idea. If not, maybe you should do that instead, or nordic walking, or something else.

bluesbaby · 09/02/2017 13:54

The craving for uniqueness is not just across sports, it can be seen in music and fashion particularly - when something suddenly becomes popular and every sod is wearing/listening to "your" (perceived) style it makes the style/activity feel unspecial.

It's a form of snobbery (and selfishness)! You want that special feeling all to yourself. It also exposes any jealousy you might towards the person who you perceive to have stolen your identity - and this can feel uncomfortable.

Let it go. Enjoy the running for what it is.

longdiling · 09/02/2017 14:07

Is he actually competing with you though op? As in asking you how fast your x mile run was and then gloating about his being faster?! Me and dh run. I started then stopped. Then he took it up and I got back into it. He is a much faster runner than me and has run further distances. However, he is very very supportive of my (achingly slow) running. He ran my first half marathon with me and will be running my first marathon with me this year. He works out training plans for me and tells me off if I ever put myself down. He is still competitive - he is obsessed with stats and pace and loves looking at Strava segments - he just doesn't compete with me. I also agree with those saying it's two different kinds of running; like you op I am not really made for speed but I get a lot out of running anyway and am immensely proud of my achievements. Talk to him about this, unless he is generally a gigantic wanker (in which case running isn't really the issue) then surely this can become a shared interest that brings you together?

2rebecca · 09/02/2017 15:19

Having the same hobby can be good if you can support each other in it. I tried to get my husband in to one of my hobbies but he didn't take to it which is a shame as I often go away for weekends with it.
He brings his bike sometimes and we just meet up on an evening.

Strongmummy · 09/02/2017 17:27

Well it's not as if it's a very esoteric hobby is it? It's running. Most people I know run. On that basis YABU. Don't stop because of him, continue to to enjoy it. Your only competition in yourself!!!!!

confuugled1 · 09/02/2017 18:28

Tell him that you've decided to take up cycling. Get a cheap bike, go for a couple of rides and before you know it he will be a MAMIL disappearing for hours on his bike...

At which point you can go out running again. Grin

RedAndYellowStripe · 09/02/2017 20:38

I'm getting the feeling that the issue here is the competition.
Your DH has made it into a competition to prove that he can be better than you (well he should, he is a man and therefore is more likely to run faster than you. That's why men and women do not compete against each other).

If he wanted to do it with you and share it, he wouldn't be going all competitive like this. He wouldn't be talking about HIS achievements and going on about how good he is. Which also infer that what you are doing isn't as good. He would be talking about you, how you are doing and what could you do together. It's his insistence at showing off how good he is etc.. that is off putting.

TooBusy4TV · 09/02/2017 20:52

Running is very personal. I started running a few years ago but was the worst at sports at school. He will likely injure himself or get bored quickly. Just concentrate on your own efforts and don't quit. Finishing a half marathon is an amazing feeling and no one can take that away from you OP.

awesomeness · 09/02/2017 20:53

My OH muscled in on the gym (no pun intended haha)

I used to go, then he decided he would go.......now its all protein shakes (personal pet hate think their unnecessary and they stink) muscle building crap and chicken, eggs and rice all the f**king time!

Now hes really massive and muscly but used a lot of short cuts, im well defined and did it all the hard way yet going in the gym everyone worships him coz of his size etc

Makes me feel like some tag along gym bunny :(

awesomeness · 09/02/2017 20:55

I did piss him off when i dead lifted more tho 😂

zaph0d · 09/02/2017 21:19

Haven't read the full thread OP & sorry if repeating anything already said, but how does your WAVA or age grade rating compare with your DP's? You can't realistically compare male and female running times unless they are adjusted for age / gender.
More importantly, the best person to compete against is yourself - beat your own PB, best age grade % etc. Don't let his interest dampen your own.

MyWineTime · 09/02/2017 21:25

However surely it's fairly obvious that picking exactly the same sport as your partner and then throwing yourself into it with even more enthusiasm is not the nicest thing to do.
No I don't get that at all. I don't understand what is not nice about choosing the same sport as your partner and throwing yourself into it to the degree that makes you happy.

Kathsmum · 09/02/2017 21:27

Join a girls only running group. I did :)

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 09/02/2017 21:38

Don't encourage triathlons, you'll be a friend widow in no time. Can you stash your bike somewhere en route and have some fun with your times? Assuming you use a garmin or something? 😉

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 09/02/2017 22:15

Angel I haven't read the full thread, but I just wanted to say that I sympathise, the exact same thing happened to me. I loved running even though I wasn't great at it, then XH joined in and would buy those blimmin gels and sports drinks, had to have more expensive trainers than me due to his 'pronation' (he had to go and have his gait analysed at the shoe shop, not just try on a few pairs like I did!) and of course he was faster and better than me.

We'd go out for a run together and when we got back, he'd drop me at the door and go back out for another half hour, like my run was a warm up. The real kicker was when I got a knee injury and couldn't run, he decided to buy a running machine, after telling me we were short on cash and I couldn't afford to see a physio. The utter bastard!

EastMidsMummy · 09/02/2017 23:32

I don't buy this "it's a boy thing" at all. There are plenty of over-competitive women and plenty of co-operative men. It's a cunt's thing, if anything.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 09/02/2017 23:46

one upmanship, wanting to get ahead, come out on top etc is a human thing, one of our 'baser' drives

problembottom · 09/02/2017 23:50

Sounds annoying to me. Can you tell him how you feel and get him to back off a bit?

DP and I both run, he's really fast and I'm really slow. He's pretty supportive (apart from one memorable occasion where he told our friends he couldn't tell the difference between me running and walking). I like to wind him up by telling him my five mile jog was a much better effort than his fifteen mile run because he finds it so much easier than me. He hates that. Grin

Shashasma · 09/02/2017 23:53

YANBU! I have something similar with my DF but it's with art. Every time I go to do a painting he just has to do one to! It's very draining because it is like they're trying to usurp what you're doing. The problem with my DF is that he thinks that what he does is the best thing ever when it actually isn't and he gets offended when I tell him that it looks shit...yeah I'm blunt like that. 😂 It does however make me not want to do any art because I always feel like he is stealing my thunder because ever since I was young it was the one thing that I was really good at.

Shashasma · 09/02/2017 23:56

Just has to do one too

Bamboofordinneragain · 10/02/2017 08:21

It is kind of a man thing, this competitive hobby business, and the chance for them to BUY stuff and MEASURE stuff is too good to miss. DH and I have loads of sports/hobbies that we do together, and he is always more into it than me, even if it's one that I go into first. It's mostly funny, but I did miss the chance to have a thing that was 'mine'. The solution - he doesn't much like heights: I took up rock climbing.

Lweji · 10/02/2017 08:24

Tell him you're doing 20 more miles and running twice as fast as you really are and watch him killing himself to beat you. Grin

ittakes2 · 10/02/2017 08:36

yabu - nothing you have said suggests he is competing against you. he's challenging himself so its your own insecurities. its great he wants to look after his health. think of the plus sides - a fit hubby and one who is understanding about your hobbie who looks after your kids so you can exercise. he seems to love it too - and while I get that you are feeling a bit put out - i was a bit surprised that you seem to be suggesting you want your hubby to give up something he loves and which is good for his health because you are jealous that running is no longer just your thing or because you feel he's better at it than you.

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