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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband is stealing my hobby

158 replies

AngelPot81 · 08/02/2017 21:08

I have never really had a hobby or anything I have ever been very good at. Last year I started running and I felt like I had finally found 'my thing'. I'm not particularly good at it but I have been enjoying it. Until that is my OH decided he also wanted to get into running. We are both training to do a half marathon next month, we don't run together (we have young children so have to take it in turns), but my OH has got so into it that it's making me question my own ability. He's so focused on the miles, speed and the food he's eating. He comes in from a run and is all 'that feels good, that was amazing, that was my fasted time yet'.
I run and find every single mile hard, really bloody hard. I have never tried to muscle in on his hobbies, there are quite a few. I feel put out and I just wanted my thing to be my thing. Does anyone understand this or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
elodie2000 · 09/02/2017 06:33

Sanscomic
I don't think IP has come across as jealous at all. Her DH has turned her 'hobby' into a competative sport. She sounds as if she was happy with her progress before he jumped in.

pigeondujour · 09/02/2017 06:36

Jaw on the floor at the piano guy. What an absolute horrible cunt.

footballmum · 09/02/2017 06:40

Hmmm. I can kind of see your point but as others have said you can take the competition away from him. Firstly, he's a man. Chances are he's always going to be faster than you unless you're a really serious runner. Secondly, there's always going to be someone faster than both of you, particularly if you take part in races. Thirdly, as a runner, I was advised to only ever compete against yourself, so strive to run further or faster than you've ever run before. Bugger what anyone else does.

Why don't you try and find a ladies only running group then he can't join in. If he tries to rope you into joint runs at other times just tell him you'd rather not as you run at very different paces.

If he tries to rope you into competitive talk, just say "well done love, that's great" but be non-committal if he he asks how you've run. Just say you've had a good run but don't be drawn on details of pace or distance. It'll take the wind out of his sails and he'll eventually give up (hopefully running altogether 😈) But seriously it should demonstrate whether he's just genuinely found a love of running or if he's doing it just to compete against you. And if he has, sorry but you've got waaaay bigger problems!

SansComic · 09/02/2017 06:41

elodie2000

No he hasn't. She has. The OP's quote is,

"He comes in from a run and is all 'that feels good, that was amazing, that was my fastest time yet'."

Nothing to do with telling her she was slower or he was faster or she should be doing something differently. He said 'my fastest yet' not 'I beat you by 3 km/h'.

The competition between the OP and her DH is all in her head, unless I missed something.

SansComic · 09/02/2017 06:43

footballmum

did you read the OP?

They don't run together. He is only competing against himself. His competitive talk is only with regard to his times.

chutneypig · 09/02/2017 06:47

Is he positive about your runs OP? I think that's important. There's a difference between putting you down with the competition and being positive about what you're doing.

I was the first to start running in my family and my DH and children run now too. They're all much faster than me. And I work far harder at training than they do for far less gain but they're all hugely supportive. We all want to improve our own times/distances and such but that competition isn't directed out at each other if that makes sense?

I'd not give up on your half - it sounds like you're getting out to train and keep taking the time for you.

Ifailed · 09/02/2017 06:50

He can only compete with the OP if she tells him her times etc as they don't run together. All she needs to do is withhold the information.

picklemepopcorn · 09/02/2017 06:55

But he's doing her hobby more intensely than she is, which leaves her feeling like she isn't good enough at it, isn't doing it properly.
He's 'wow, I feel wonderful', while she's still finding it a slog.

I'd think he was smug and insensitive. Like the guys who spend all afternoon in the kitchen with expensive ingredients and want all the glory.

footballmum · 09/02/2017 06:59

I'd presumed he was saying or doing something that made the OP feel he was in competition with her. If he isn't then absolutely it's her problem and she needs to find a way of getting past it. I used to run with friends and whilst we all started at the same level they progresssed much quicker than me. Whilst I enjoyed the social side I stopped going out with them eventually because I felt so inadequate.

Mrscog · 09/02/2017 07:07

I completely get it - that must be so irritating.

However, you did say this - 'I run and find every single mile hard' really? As a runner if this is the case after all this time I would recommend reading up on some different training techniques/nutrition etc. If you're training for a 1/2 marathon you should be at the stage where you could blitz out a few miles without even thinking about it. A few weeks of different styles of training could make a massive difference.

CharlieSierra · 09/02/2017 07:12

I agree with you pickle, and why all the posts about what his motivation is for acting this way, it doesn't matter. We don't have to try to come up with excuses why he's making it all about him. The OP doesn't like it, he's taking up her energy with how great he's feeling and it's ruining her enjoyment. OP tell him straight, he's being a dick.

roundaboutthetown · 09/02/2017 07:16

He sounds worryingly obsessed. Not sure why the OP is feeling bad about herself as a result, rather than worried his tiresome obsession is going a bit ott.
Does he always get this obsessed with new passions? Surely it will burn itself out?

Whocansay · 09/02/2017 07:16

I run. It's very personal and something you can enjoy by yourself. Your DH is competitive, but what he does should not take away from your achievement. Look at what you are doing and see how you can improve IF YOU WANT TO. If you like doing what you do now, it doesn't matter. If it takes you 3 hours to do a half marathon, it doesn't matter. It's about what you get out of it.

As an aside, I am imagine your DH is all about the bravado and will crash and burn when he comes to the actual race. I have seen it before. Please don't be put off. I hope you continue.

PoorYorick · 09/02/2017 07:19

Happy, please tell that cunt that he's obviously very talented for being faster than a woman when all else is equal, and more academic than someone recovering from a stroke....

Forgetmenotblue · 09/02/2017 07:19

Totally with the op on this one. People who have to steal your thunder are such a bloody pain. One of my DC is like this and we totally squash him when he gets like this, it's just so attention seeking and wanting to be the alpha person all the the time.

Best way op to to entirely ignore him. Do not engage with his competitiveness at all, it fuels the fire if you do. Literally, go for the bland smile, that's nice dear, and change subject. It's all about wanting to dominate situations so don't give him the satisfaction of seeing your irritation.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2017 07:21

Is he actually benchmarking himself against you or are you benchmarking yourself against him in your insecurity?

SoupDragon · 09/02/2017 07:23

He will be faster and "better" than you, assuming asinilar base level of fitness to start with. He is a man. Even the top atheletes have a disparity between the sexes.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2017 07:24

A similar base level of fitness...

lottiegarbanzo · 09/02/2017 07:28

Don't stop, running is ace.

When you start doing races you will see (as I'm sure you can guess) that there is always someone faster than you - and always someone slower. You can only meaningfully compete with yourself, race to race.

He can only compete with you if you tell him your times, so don't. I understand you my have wanted to be able to talk to him about it and gain support and now you feel you can't but that is all you've lost.

I think you should tell him that you don't really appreciate your hobby being turned into a competition and would rather not hear about his progress. He'll probably say he's not competing (of course he'd naturally be better at it) he's offering positive encouragement. All he needs to know is that you find it off-putting and don't want to hear about it. He only needs to believe you, not to understand your position.

Could you join a running club? Not necessarily a women only one, club members are more experienced and sensible, they know they're competing against themselves, supporting each other just by running together with same-speed people and that anyone can get injured and suffer setbacks. I've found them a very benign, positive influence.

I found I could increase steady distance running alone but a club was fantastic for increasing speed, by doing sessions with the short bursts at higher speed, or uphill, that you need to make muscles stronger, thus get faster at longer distances. I find that sort of training much easier and more fun to do with other people.

You'd need to be able to run about five miles regularly to join a club, unless they do a specific 'new runners' session but you don't need to be fast. Best if it's a good size club so there'll be plenty of people around your speed.

Otherwise or anyway, just keep going, start doing some races, park runs, 10kms, they're great training and give you your own benchmarks. If your half is only a month away though, don't go crazy and remember to taper - reach peak training in the 3-1 weeks before then tail off, so your muscles have time to strengthen and recover before the race.

After that, I find 'non-runners' often focus on training for marathons. It's the most prevalent idea of 'what is it to achieve something at running'. It's really just another distance, that may or may not suit you. Training for a marathon takes much, much more time than for a half. I'd rather improve my 10k and half times.

Finally, if you're a lot lighter than him, you'll perform relatively better over longer distances. So he'd out-sprint you, be better over 1 or 3 miles. But, if you're about the same at 10k, you'd be faster at half marathon. Maybe he's faster at all distances but the relative difference could be there. Once you get really fit and into it, you'll be past caring though. Have fun Smile

wettunwindee · 09/02/2017 07:28

@Forgetmenotblue

You try to squash the alphaness out of your son? You want millions (more) beta males?

" It's all about wanting to dominate situations"

Is it? What are you basing that on? Impressive qualifications, you know him personally or baseless conjecture?

As the OP has said nothing about him directly competing with her it, seems to be her insecurity that is the issue and perhaps she should mention it to him. He isnt making it all about him, she is. He should help her with her issues should she mention them though.

KeyserSophie · 09/02/2017 07:43

Tell him to join Strava. he'll LOVE it Grin.

I think that whether YABU does somewhat depend on whether he's comparing himself to you, or whether it's only you that's doing that. He may just be thinking that this is a joint thing you can both be enthusiastic about (albeit that would suggest he doesnt have a very nuanced understanding of human nature- Morrissey should have sung "We hate it when our spouse becomes successful.....")

ugh- I have no idea if YABU or not.......sorry

AngelPot81 · 09/02/2017 07:44

I have always supported my husband with his hobbies, football, cycling, beer brewing, the list is endless. Running was never one of them. I wouldn't mind if he was doing the occasional run, but he's become so obsessed by it it's taken the shine of it just being my hobby. He thinks he's an expert! I will continue to run, but I think I will just keep any details to myself. And I do find every mile hard, im not a natural runner but I enjoy it and keep on going even though it's tough. Time to refocus the mind and as someone suggested view his running and my running as two very different entities.

OP posts:
Themoreitsnowstiddlypom · 09/02/2017 07:44

He's just enjoying running in a different way to you, some will never have his mind set when running and will enjoy it for different reasons. You can't blame how you feel on your husbands enthusiasm but you can go and find runners who are more similar to you. You will find that there a few different types of runners out there, competitive runners, plodders, club runners, those who run for fitness only, others like myself run simply because it makes me feel good, yes I may be ok at it and have done ok in the past but inspite of this I always hated the club running scene and competitiveness. I run for purely selfish reasons it clears my head and I feel happy, let him enjoy running his way and you figure out what makes you like it and focus on that, it isn't always about being the fastest etc. I like doing some of the races but I pick the ones with the nice courses, the scenic ones or challenging for me or ones that have a fab atmosphere like the great north run. I would never do one which would focus on times or racing a competitor it'd hate those ones, but some love them and would avoid the gnr like the plague as its to comercial for them.
Just keep,it up and enjoy it!

RubyWinterstorm · 09/02/2017 07:52

My DH "stole" my hobby AND my career Hmm

Clearly he thinks I have all the best ideas Grin

The sport/hobby is fine, I just don't get involved as we are at different levels now.

He encourages me to get better, and is sweet really, I don't feel we are competing.

The career thing is for a different thread Angry

ScrambledSmegs · 09/02/2017 08:00

Don't give up, please! In competitions they don't put women in the same category as men, for good reason. Our biology is different! Keep running, keep working towards your goal. Don't push yourself beyond what your body can stand, you CAN do this.

Do it for you, in spite of him.