Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
user892 · 08/02/2017 21:04

user892 , well when my mum died, and she was not tiny, it was not a bucket full of ashes it is a canister about half a small bucket. It just looks like any ash and as they are just ashes and will blow away very quickly

Italiangreyhound - volume can vary a lot, and some crematoriums don't give you all of the ashes as they will dispense enough to fill your chosen receptacle. The rest is discarded.

Average is about the weight of a small baby (which I quite liked the thought of, in a circle-of-life way). When my father died the canister was very large and it was filled to the top.

It didn't look, feel or smell like ash. It was like coarse sand. Ash is soft flakes. This is the heavier, denser bones that didn't burn up. They're mechanically ground down to look less frightening.

starsorwater · 08/02/2017 21:04

I would offer to dig up a circle of grass from their old home or a plant or something like that, give them a piece of the place that they could put with her somewhere else.

Chathamhouserules · 08/02/2017 21:04

And for me it would add to how special my house was, as they were obviously so happy there. I would probably end up chatting to her when I did the gardening or something, but that's just me. I like thinking about a home's history and the families that have enjoyed living there.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/02/2017 21:04

Yeah comments suggesting those who would decline are heartless or not nice people are really nasty. It is nothing to do with what kind of person you are and everything to do with how you personally view and feel about death and grieving.

Strygil · 08/02/2017 21:04

Why not invite them to bury the ashes, and then plant a couple of bulbs over the filled-in hole. You could then say that you would send them a photograph of the bulbs in flower as a remembrance when they came up. You could explain that this would mean that there was a permanent memorial which would obviate the need for visiting.

Stinkymimi · 08/02/2017 21:05

Ashes are just ashes.... imagine emptying a bag of cat litter on your flower bed - it will dig / water in and it's then gone, eventually. I don't think you should be freaked out by what it is and what it represents. In fact I think it's quite sweet. But I would be concerned that he would want to keep returning every year on birthdays and anniversaries. Perhaps you could suggest him sprinkling some of her ashes in your garden so her wish is granted but depositing the rest of them somewhere he is able to visit more readily?

dangermouseisace · 08/02/2017 21:05

my grandad had his ashes split over 2 locations. Is there any chance they could scatter a bit in your garden as per her wishes and the rest somewhere they could actually visit?

Ragdoll545 · 08/02/2017 21:05

I think as soon as you let them do this they will just pop over whenever they're passing or whatever to see her, they will potentially feel they have a claim to your garden as she has been scattered there.
Why not suggest they can scatter some but not all? And then scatter the rest where they can visit.
It sounds silly but I wouldn't like the thought of my kids running around the garden on someone's ashes!

starsorwater · 08/02/2017 21:05

Also I would say no.

Flisspaps · 08/02/2017 21:05

I would say no.

And I don't think that's heartless, although I see how people might see it that way.

This might start an annual pilgrimage to your home. Birthdays, Christmas, significant anniversaries. Would you really, truly, be prepared for that? If he or his family then do visit regularly and you find it intrusive it's going to be so, so much harder to put a stop to it. What if you sell the house? You've then got to forewarn the next owner of this gentleman's visits to his wife's final resting place in the garden and they may not welcome him. It's far more heartless to leave him and his family in a position where they may not be able to visit.

By asking, he's done all he can to fulfil his wife's request. It's not your responsibility to ensure it's carried out.

user892 · 08/02/2017 21:05

Oh and it's heavy like sand. Like I and PPs have said - it doesn't blow away quickly if ever. It'll sink into the grass and get grown over, most likely.

YouOKHun · 08/02/2017 21:05

The elderly previous owner of my house made a similar request for a similar reason. I'm not squeamish about these things and I'm only the current custodian of our house so it would seem mean to have refused. He buried the ashes in one of the beds and planted a rose (in consultation with us about where we'd be happy to have a rose bush). On the anniversary he pops by and I give him a rose or two for his buttonhole. It means the world to him.

Greta84 · 08/02/2017 21:07

Really really hard call. But I think I would have to find a way of saying no. It's a place and it's now your home. It's a lot of ashes I remember my dad's being loads!! Also they do need somewhere they can visit (which can't be your house).

Stinkymimi · 08/02/2017 21:08

I'm also wondering what would happen when you move - it not really something you could casually mention to a purchaser and imagine how upsetting it would be for him to find that she was suddenly out of reach. Or if you decided to redo the garden, dig out a lot of soil or have an extension where the scattering was done. I don't think he's fully thought through all the implications to be honest.

Strygil · 08/02/2017 21:08

It's not about how you feel about death and grieving, but about how the other family feel about death and grieving - and they obviously have a strong sense of place as an aid to memory. To me, dead bodies are simply refuse, to be disposed of as tidily - and with as little fuss and expense - as possible, but I recognise and respect other peoples' right to feel differently.

GrannyGoggles · 08/02/2017 21:08

And a former colleague whose father's ashes are in the former family garden HATES feeling she can't visit

EineKleine · 08/02/2017 21:08

I think you ought to say yes, but perhaps share that you are uncomfortable with the idea of the children playing amongst them. Could they be scattered on a specific flower bed or something?

It is a tricky topic to raise but if there is any chance of him wanting to be scattered in the same place, they would be much better to pick land that is either public, or owned by one of their own family. You might permit it for his wife, but if you might sell the house on the future owners might refuse permission in the future and then they could never be together, as it were.

BarbarianMum · 08/02/2017 21:09

If that's aimed at me Almost then I think it is fine to say "no, sorry, I've thought it over and I'm just not comfortable with it" (or variations in that theme). It's the "Hell no, why are you even asking?" responses that leave a bad taste in my mouth. Even a little bit of empathy will tell you this is a big deal to those involved.

dudsville · 08/02/2017 21:09

I have no idea what I would do. We bought our gone from an elderly couple. We know which trees were planted by them on which occasions, etc., we had so much knowledge about then that it took ages for us to feel it was ours. They were lovely, and I know they drove by twice after we moved in but they didn't stop by. I can understand why they'd want to scatter her ashes in your garden but I'm not sure is fine it an acceptable question to ask myself. I'd think I was dismissing the fact that it is no longer my home. Fwiw I duos go back to my childhood home in my early 20s and knocked. It was am unpleasant experience. They too might be surprised to discover it wouldn't just be a trip back in time for them.

thecapitalsunited · 08/02/2017 21:10

If you let them do this and sell in a few years it might mean that the man doesn't get to have his ashes scattered in the same place as his wife. Or can't visit on special occasions. He needs to understand that he can't guarantee what a future owner might want or allow.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/02/2017 21:10

My mums ashes are upstairs, they're in a plastic container roughly the size of a 2 litre pop bottle, are grey and very gravelly. We didn't choose a specific receptacle, i now feel physically sick and very distressed at the thought they may not be her complete ashes and some of her was just "discarded". Especially given mine and my dads resolute "no" to family wanting some to split her up and scatter them (in our opinion thats like throwing them away) and my aunt trying to steal some behind my back.

gleam · 08/02/2017 21:11

It would be a 'no' from me. I couldn't enjoy the garden after that. Maybe I'm just too squeamish.

Fil has been helped by going every year to the crematorium where mil's ashes were spread.

TinselTwins · 08/02/2017 21:11

This reminds me of a time when a family who had emigrated returned for a holiday and asked to see their children's childhood home (kids had only been gone a few years, we bought it from them). The daughter had obviously really built up getting to see the house again in her head, she ran out into the garden and stopped and loudly shouted "WHERE'S MY SWING?". It went a bit sour from there

  • she was an older child (tween) well old enough to know that it was someone else's house now and she had accepted that in principle, but there were aspects she wanted to revisit which we had changed beyond recognition and it upset her a lot.

Another time we viewed a house to buy, we were looking at an original feature that had been covered but could be renovated back to original. The owner stomped in from the next room and pretty much threw us out, calling back to the estate agent to tell him that they would NOT sell to people who did not appreciate the work that had gone into modernising the house! He was INCANDESCENT at the idea that we might change it AFTER he moved out and sold it

It is not a given that this family will be rational about how the OP uses her garden going forward if she agrees to this!

SloanyAnne · 08/02/2017 21:12

YouOkHun how lovely. The world needs more kindness like yours.
Have some Flowers and as much good karma as you can carry in a wheelbarrow Smile

nemno · 08/02/2017 21:12

I've been happy to allow 2 memorials in our garden, never occurred to me not to. I would ask that if they really want to scatter then they scatter just a handful and bury the rest loose. The ash does hang about in my experience. I just stayed in the house both times.

Swipe left for the next trending thread