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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
user892 · 08/02/2017 21:13

Suggest you decline BUT they are welcome to come and dig up some of your soil for them to put in a large pot to keep at their home - together with her remains - so they can plant her favourite flowers.

TowerRavenSeven · 08/02/2017 21:13

Yanbu. I would never ever consider it but then I'm superstitious. I'd have to tell them sorry no. We bought our house 6 years ago and would never consider it the former owners house, it's my house now. I think it's nervy to ask you. I do admit it would be very difficult to turn them down gently though.

TinselTwins · 08/02/2017 21:14

It's the "Hell no, why are you even asking?" responses that leave a bad taste in my mouth. Even a little bit of empathy will tell you this is a big deal to those involved.

NOBODY has suggested phrasing it that way to the family!

StrandedStarfish · 08/02/2017 21:15

Maybe you'll spend 50 happy years in what sounds to be a happy home, and make the same request of your husband OP?

Dowser · 08/02/2017 21:16

I'm a bit gobsmacked by this.

I've never heard of this before.
I'm tempted to ring my tenant to say I'm putting my mums ashes next to the tree my dad planted.
We haven't decided what to do with her yet.
She lived their 60 years plus, so why not.

user892 · 08/02/2017 21:16

Sorry Jill to upset you - I was told this by the crematorium x

Dowser · 08/02/2017 21:17

Is there a front garden, she could go in?

Maudlinmaud · 08/02/2017 21:17

AlmostAJillSandwich you poor love, I was worried someone would feel like that. Flowers

FinnegansCake · 08/02/2017 21:17

This happened to my parents. A few months after moving in to their home, the previous owner phoned them to say that his mother had died, and would they mind if he scattered her ashes in the garden as she had wanted to join her husband, whose ashes were already there.

My parents agreed (large garden, fortunately!) and the man came with his wife, daughter and small grandson, scattered the ashes and then had tea with my parents in the garden. My DM said she did find bits of bone from time to time, but it didn't bother her. She wondered if the previous owner would want to be scattered there too, but when he died a couple of years ago his family didn't contact her, to her relief.

When my father died, she buried his ashes next to the seat where he liked to drink his coffee, and it gives her great comfort that he is there, although she did joke that she should call the house "Ash Villa" Grin

quarkinstockcubes · 08/02/2017 21:17

I am rather gobsmacked at them even asking to be honest. As a pp pointed out, it isn't just the ashes, it is the resting place of their wife/mother who requested this specific place to remain in. I would be very concerned that they will want to come back and will always feel connected to what is now your garden. As a pp said you may feel restricted as to what you can do with the space in the future.

I personally would suggest a large planter with soil from your garden and a nice tree where they can bury the ashes. That way "she" can be moved if you ever want to get work done etc.

Between4and30characters · 08/02/2017 21:18

It's not about how you feel about death and grieving, but about how the other family feel about death and grieving - and they obviously have a strong sense of place as an aid to memory. To me, dead bodies are simply refuse, to be disposed of as tidily - and with as little fuss and expense - as possible, but I recognise and respect other peoples' right to feel differently.

I don't think that makes sense. Because you see bodies as "simply refuse", you would presumably be happy to agree to the couple's wishes. If someone doesn't feel that, and would feel uncomfortable with human remains of someone they don't know being scattered in their garden, then their decision (possibly to say no to the request) would be "about how you feel about death and grieving" and should, as you say yourself, be respected.

You are only able to take what you see as the "selfless" decision, because doing so doesn't contradict your feelings about death and grieving.

paxillin · 08/02/2017 21:19

I'd allow it and would always imagine her looking after you all.

Tabbylady · 08/02/2017 21:20

Oh this is very sad, and I see why you're feeling uncomfortable.

There are a surprisingly big amount of ashes from cremation; we found this when we tried to scatter DGM's ashes in a little local pond and they muddied the water terribly Blush

I would also worry about them wanting to come and visit where ashes were scattered etc.

If you are feeling very kind, I'd suggest the following:

Allow them to come to the garden and ask them to scatter only a very small amount e.g. a tablespoon. But offer that they could dig up a nice shrub, maybe one that she particularly liked, and then take it away in a lovely pot so they could bury the ashes in it, and therefore keep it as a reminder of the garden she loved and they'd still have the ashes IYSWIM. Obviously not a great big holly bush but something small and easily replaced.

Cherrymix · 08/02/2017 21:20

I totally agree with you stranded. I love the idea of my home having a history - especially what seems to have been a happy one in this situation. I don't get the "its my home now because I bought it" attitude.

MsJudgemental · 08/02/2017 21:20

Do you have a front garden? Could they put her there? They could then feel near to her if they want to visit without bothering you. You could even come to an agreement about a shrub which could be planted against the front wall with her ashes underneath.

WonderMike · 08/02/2017 21:20

My parents ashes came in a bag with a huge sign printed on it sating they were not to be scattered or buried anywhere without permission from the council - that they were classed as human remains and could not be disposed of, buried or scattered without a licence - or some such. Does your local council have a similar decree?

StripySocks1 · 08/02/2017 21:20

I don't think it would be heartless or cold to say no. It's a completely unreasonable request and even though they have lovely memories of the house, they sold it, it is no longer theirs.

There must be other, more public places that they had happy memories which would be more suitable to scatter ashes, like the place they married or a favourite holiday location.

I think the man has fulfilled his wife's last request by asking if he can do it but it's not your responsibility to grant that request and he may even be hoping you refuse so that he can say he tried.

allowlsthinkalot · 08/02/2017 21:22

Jill, I had the same feeling having recently cremated a close relative. I have been on the "Scattering Ashes" website and it doesn't look like they do discard any ashes and they don't just throw them away.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 08/02/2017 21:24

Is there someone local who knew the couple, perhaps from a local church, who could advise and help with any tricky conversations.

I originally liked the suggestion of burying a vase in the front garden with a rose bush on top - thought that seemed a good compromise. But then found myself agreeing with a later PP who suggested that might restrict what you do with your property. So very tricky - trying to be kind but not committed.

GoosevonMoose · 08/02/2017 21:24

I don't see how you could refuse this request. The poor family. Honestly, it would be the most heartless thing to refuse.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 08/02/2017 21:24

It'd be a no from me.

Not because I'm squeamish about that sort of thing.

But anyone suggesting they'll have blown away in a few hours/days/week or so has obviously never scattered ashes. They'll be there for weeks, and will be obvious. If it rains on them they'll congeal. Do you have any cats in the neighbourhood, they'll be using it as litter.

Honestly - if this were me and I did allow it, I'd be out there the minute they left with my leaf blower and a spade, blowing as much as I could into the borders so I could mix it into the soil, and sweeping the rest up to dispose of them over the back fence.

I'd go with "I'm very sorry for your loss, but we're having some major work done in the garden soon so I'm afraid we can't accommodate your request".

GabsAlot · 08/02/2017 21:25

sorry would be no from me-means u cant change or do anything to that part of the garden

tell them youre extending soon so it wouldnt be appropriate and people will be stomping all over it etc

Toast3 · 08/02/2017 21:27

A tricky situation. I'd feel the same but I know, I'd crumble and let them do it ....

Seeingadistance · 08/02/2017 21:27

I think the suggestion a few pages back is a very good one - that you offer them soil from the garden which they can take away and mingle with the ashes to be scattered or buried in another, accessible, place which was meaningful for them.

Asking to scatter ashes in what is now someone else's garden is actually quite an imposition to place on someone else, and very intrusive.

Screwinthetuna · 08/02/2017 21:27

Honestly, I wouldn't be able to say no. She obviously just wants to go home. I'm superstitious and would be worrying about ghosts though Blush Saying no does seem really mean.

I've just asked my husband and he said, 'not a fucking chance in hell! You don't want some dead person's ashes blowing around your garden where your kids play!' He's so sentimental ;)