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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
user892 · 08/02/2017 20:33

i.e. for anyone who's ever seen it for themselves, it aint ashes at all - more like heavy sand.

Taylor22 · 08/02/2017 20:33

I'd straight up say no.

user892 · 08/02/2017 20:34

Do you have dogs?

Nanny0gg · 08/02/2017 20:35

It's pretty much dust.

A couple of windy days and you won't even know.

What's the harm?

DownHereInTheHorridHouse · 08/02/2017 20:37

Some people are being really heartless here. This is an old man who was married to his wife for decades - he will be desperate to hold to her dying wish. The ashes will disappear - you could fence off a little bit of your garden for a while. I would ask them if they would like me to be out while they did it, or whether they would like to come in afterwards for a cup of tea.

I'm a cow, and I have no religious or spiritual leanings at all, but there is no way I could (or would want to) say 'no' to this.

SaucyJack · 08/02/2017 20:37

They absolutely don't blow away within minutes.

It's not light- like fag ash.

It just sits there in a big pile of dirt for weeks. Take it from someone who's scattered a parent.

Mumzypopz · 08/02/2017 20:38

A couple of windy days and you won't know.........Perhaps not, but then I'd be thinking they would all be over the windows, on the front path, up my nose!!!!! No, just no. And if it is just like sand, like someone else said, how do you garden that,!? Dig it in or not dig it in?

Therealloislane · 08/02/2017 20:38

We scattered granny's ashes at the bottom of a tree in Portsmouth on a Saturday morning.

Driving past in the taxi on the way home on Sunday evening... she was still visible Blush

Finola1step · 08/02/2017 20:39

I can perfectly understand that the wife wanted to have her ashes in the place she felt was home. But a word of caution really that the event may in fact be distressing for them in a way that hasn't been discussed - that their "home" will no longer be exactly as they remembered.

So I would offer the following. Say yes, that they are welcome to visit and scattering some ashes. That you will pop out to give them some privacy. That you hope that you and your family will be as happy as they were in what is a lovely home and garden. But gently tell them that it would be very difficult to guarantee access to the garden in the future. They need to know this before they proceed.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/02/2017 20:39

It's nothing like dust, it's more like fine gravel. How it's depicted on tv and films isn't accurate. SOME of it is finer and will blow away but some would take literally gale force winds to shift and would be sat there in a little pile. It won't be a case of "a few hours/days and she'll be gone" Some of it will be there weeks, possibly months or longer and you'll know what it is, do you leave it? Sweep it up? What if the kids go playing there with the dirt and her remains? Like i said, my answer would be no.

maddening · 08/02/2017 20:40

Have you got a spot in a flower bed in the front of the house? Suggest they plant a flower with the ashes in the ground under it?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 08/02/2017 20:40

think how grateful and relieved he will be to be able to do this for his wife

you might well find the family have a good hard think about it and realise what an imposition it is, and make other plans, but it would not faze me.

and it's lovely they have such happy memories of your house as their home.

KavvLar · 08/02/2017 20:40

Could you maybe suggest they have the opportunity to access the garden and pay their respects and (not sure how to say this) use a token amount of ashes to scatter or to put under a rose, but that you would strongly recommend they consider a more permanent resting place for the remains that they can easily visit.

NewPuppyMum · 08/02/2017 20:40

That poor man. He's lost his wife of many years and wants to fulfill her dying wish. And you can't see the emotion in that or the guts it took him to ask. He clearly thought you'd understand.

TinselTwins · 08/02/2017 20:40

I'm not at all squeemish about the ash or the dead lady - it's just ash, but I'ld be feeling a big fat "NO"

What about the anniversary of her death, are they going to come back every year? Is HE going to put in his will that he wants to be scattered in the same place as his wife (probably!) - I can't see this ending with just one "good deed" from the OP TBH..

Creampastry · 08/02/2017 20:41

What about burying them? Could they buy a plant and you bury the ashes...

Jayfee · 08/02/2017 20:41

I would feel very uneasy. As you said about ashes blowing about, I think you would too. I think I would have to refuse. Not sure how tho. there was a house round here which had the owner buried in it! they had to get special permission.

AstrantiaMajor · 08/02/2017 20:42

This is so hard for you and I understand your uneasiness. I expect that she begged him to do it and he feels an obligation to her. I would feel very uncomfortable but I would allow it. It will make a recently bereaved man very happy.

Crumbs1 · 08/02/2017 20:42

I think it's a lovely idea to,return her to where they had happy memories. I'd go with the bury them and plant a rose that he could collect a flower from each year. Hardly a big ask. Kind thing to do.

Somerville · 08/02/2017 20:42

Ashes is a euphemism. It isn't ash, or dust, and it won't float away.

And they could well turn up at Christmas, her birthday, Mother's Day. Even if they say they won't, that they don't feel the need to do so; it's easy to think that in the shock after a bereavement. But at a later stage feel a need to do so.

busyboysmum · 08/02/2017 20:42

Yes I say this as someone who has done similar that you might want to gently point out to them that they might be better scattering them somewhere they can visit regularly.

Maybe one of the children's gardens... he may regret not being able to visit a lot.

user892 · 08/02/2017 20:42

it's just ash - it's not ash. It's bone fragments.

BarbarianMum · 08/02/2017 20:42

It's not a cheek it is a reasonable request. And it would be totally reasonable for the OP to say sorry, no, that makes me uncomfortable. Personally I'd love to think that the previous owners of our house had lived it so much they wanted to be scattered in the garden. Think of all the positive vines they've imbued it with in all those years if you are going to be woo about it. Smile

BarbarianMum · 08/02/2017 20:43

positive vibes (although vines would be good too)

Chathamhouserules · 08/02/2017 20:43

I think you should say yes, it's really important to them and would be the kind thing to do.