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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
therealpippi · 10/02/2017 12:23

Never ceases to surprise and sadden me how heartless Some people are.

Freddorika · 10/02/2017 12:40

I wouldn't have done this. And a plaque!! I think it's a totally bizarre request and I certainly wouldn't have felt heartless by declining.

TinselTwins · 10/02/2017 12:51

OP please before you proceed, speak to a conveyancing/property solicitor (you can get an hour free consultation if you ask most of the time) about the implications of having a grave on your property. And ring the council too

This has really snowballed from the original request, and you need legal advice before proceeding.

TinselTwins · 10/02/2017 13:03

Back to how great it is for kids to have gender fluid parents.

Puts on pinny and bakes cupcakes: today I identify as a woman
Puts on overalls and does some drilling: today I identify as a man
Puts on trackies and hoodie: today I'm non binary

  • yeah that sends a GREAT message about women to kids Hmm As opposed to just being a woman or a man and doing all of those things sometimes without it meaning you aren't a man/woman!
TinselTwins · 10/02/2017 13:03

Wrong thread!

catface1 · 10/02/2017 13:08

For goodness sake people - get a grip on reality , it's not ok or nice or kind to do this ! It really is an invasion of your privacy and a completely inconsiderate request for your family !
We all die and have to be buried or burnt - we are dead- no more- gone - the memories should live on in your head, not on a piece of land or in a headstone.
There must be somewhere else that she liked in her life like a beach or park or something if they need somewhere to go to remember her by , and really honouring a persons last wishes is not sensible , indeed one could argue that to said wishes are the last act of ultimate selfishness - the emotional blackmail of the dying !

Be strong and say sorry but no, you are still a compassionate, completely normal , kind and loving person !

impossible · 10/02/2017 13:20

Dottie having read some of the updates I just wanted to reiterate what a brilliant thing you are doing. I'm sure you and your family will reap rewards. I think how much my own df would have appreciated such kindness from strangers when he was windowed. I hope I would do the same thing - I certainly would now - and as a result of your thread I will make a point of befriending an old person local to me. If we are lucky we will ourselves be old one day and to be old and lonely must be crushing. Thanks for being an inspiration.

WrongTrouser · 10/02/2017 13:25

Interesting New Statesman article about whether empathy is a good basis for rational decision making (short summary- no, it isn't).

www.newstatesman.com/culture/books/2017/02/did-lack-empathy-cause-both-brexit-and-trump

WrongTrouser · 10/02/2017 13:40

Just to clarify, I didn't post that as a criticism of the OP's decision - just as part of the general discussion on this thread.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 14:02

Applauds both of tinseltwins posts, re council & gender binaries.

Interesting article WrongTrouser - thanks.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TinselTwins · 10/02/2017 14:15

From what I can find online, if burying the urn and putting up a plaque does indeed as suggested on this thread constitute a grave, then you will probably have to inform any future buyers that they would need to apply for an exumation order if they ever want to dig that area up. But best to get proper legal advice.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 14:22

Sorry catface1, I would disagree with you a bit, in that I don't think deathbec wishes are selfish or deliberately manipulative but people aren't at their most logical and rational self (understandably). Of course they will be self-centred as they focus on passing from this life and in need of comfort.

But that's precisely why wills should be made in advance of this time so that relatives can be assured that the deceased was of sound mind and that these really are their wishes.

Even if this was her avowed wish the feasibility of it needed to be discussed with her in advance because nobody is going to argue with a lady wistfully remembering happy times in a house she loved as she is dying.

There's a lesson in here somewhere about discussing your death & funeral arrangements with your loved ones...

OVienna · 10/02/2017 14:43

Good luck OP. Hope it all goes as well as it seems right now it will.

I do think I would have a quick call with someone about the legalities of this since a plaque will be involved. It would be unfortunate if you have or want to sell and this became a real issue for you down the road.

A very well-intentioned act could be soured and cause pain for both you and the family potentially. Best to avoid this if you can.

It's probably fine - but if you double check, you'll know for sure

Alpies · 10/02/2017 14:55

I think you are a very nice person OP. However me too I'm concerned about the legalities of this. Not only you are effectively turning your garden into a cemetery but have you considered your neighbours in all this? How would they feel if they neighbour ur garden to have someone's ashes buried next to theirs? How would they feel about pilgrimages? How would they feel when it comes to the husband's death n he wants to be buried next to her?

What about if you need to sell your house? Have you thought of the implications?

millymae · 10/02/2017 15:11

I haven't read all 24 pages, but as someone who did scatter one family member's ashes in an 'unusual' place I am beginning to think that this family are expecting to much from the OP if they are wanting a plaque and the ability to visit from time to time.

We are all different I know, but personally I wouldn't have any problem with the ashes being scattered in my garden ( I don't agree that they damage vegetation) but I wouldn't want an urn buried, and neither would I want a plaque or the family coming back to the house to remember. If they want a place to visit then the local graveyard is the place for the urn to be buried, after they have scattered some in the garden to comply with the deceased wishes.

I sometimes wonder if my family is a little odd, with the one exception those that have died have all had their ashes scattered in the rose garden of the local crematorium and those left behind have never felt the need to go back there as they they are loved and talked about often and birthdays and anniversaries are always acknowledged with flowers in the home.

AGinForEachMakesThree · 10/02/2017 17:29

Hah.
It would be a no from me... Go sprinkle your dead person elsewhere.

BoomBoomsCousin · 10/02/2017 17:46

For the family's sake, the plaque should probably be attached to a bench or plant pot or some other moveable object. That way it can be passed on easily should it no longer be OK for it to be in the garden.

sunfunshine · 10/02/2017 17:53

This is one of those threads where I was very clear that I would have said no, but the fact that the OP has been so kind makes me feel small and selfish and yes, i cried a tiny bit too. Well done OP, you're a far nice soul than I x

therealpippi · 10/02/2017 18:07

Agin one day it will be you with an unreasonable emotional request to someone. I wish you meet someone as callous as yourself so you'll know what it feels. And I don't question your opinion or your stand on this matter, just the insensitive way you spout it.

therealpippi · 10/02/2017 18:10

Plus it wAs the OP that suggested the plaque...

caringcarer · 10/02/2017 19:44

I know it sounds selfish but i would really hate that. It would freak me out. It would spoil my enjoyment of the garden after. There are a lot of ashes after a cremation. They would be blowing about and you would not want to use the garden after. I would ring him back and say you are sorry for his loss but it is your home now and it would make you feel uncomfortable. I think it is a very odd request and if this is something they were planning they should have asked you before they sold the house to you. I may allow a few ashes be buried in corner of garden providing they do not want to return to visit on her birthday or anything but definitely not scattered about.

poisonedbypen · 10/02/2017 22:04

caringcarer read the thread! Do people really just read the OP & nothing else & just blurt out an answer?

ChairRider4 · 10/02/2017 22:49

We asked the Landlord of the small holding where we used to live and was now used office if could scatter some ashes there as my dad loved it was his dream

They agreed without problem as did current tennant had no ceremony just me and my mum half there and the other half is scattered lyndhurst where my nans ashes went and that is our place to visit

Spacecadet14 · 14/02/2017 18:11

Just caught up with this after reading the original post last week. I think what you're doing is wonderful, OP. I hope the ceremony goes well.