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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 08/02/2017 20:53

I don't think it is "just ash". The symbolism is far deeper. I think it's an intrusion of your home and your family and, as previous posters have said, what if the man wants HIS sashes spread in your garden, and family members want to visit forevermore?

They've put you in a very difficult position and it's quite unfair of them, really.

TinselTwins · 08/02/2017 20:53

it's not a one off though. It's actually a commitment to keep the garden similar to how it was indefinitely!

I'll bet if the OP had already built it into a big modern extension they wouldn't be wanting to scatter ash in her open plan kitchen!
Because they want to scatter her "in the garden". "in THE garden" - as if it is some permanant state!

If the OP covered the area with a chicken coop and had birds shitting on "the garden" instead of pretty plants/grass.. would that be fine with them? probably not, they really are asking for a state of permanance with regards to the environment that the Op now owns.. although they probably don't realise this themselves just now.

HollyJollyDillydolly · 08/02/2017 20:53

Ooh. Very tricky. I'd find it very hard to say no but, like others have said will the family be wanting to visit from time to Time? Will her dh also want to be scattered in the same place when his time comes?

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 20:53

user892 , well when my mum died, and she was not tiny, it was not a bucket full of ashes it is a canister about half a small bucket. It just looks like any ash and as they are just ashes and will blow away very quickly.

I would be in when they do it (if I agreed) so they would need to fit around me. I would let them into the garden and leave them to it, then let them out when they had finished.

BUT it is your home now and if you are not happy you could say no. It was her last wish but if they cannot do it, they cannot do it and could sprinkle the ashes in a local park or wood or wherever.

I'd suggest you say you will think about it and give it thought. In a few days you may feel more comfortable to say yes or to say no.

if you are worried about the ashes lying in the garden and being obvious you could suggest that you or they dig a small hole in a flower bed and bury the ashes (no pot) there.

I do tend to agree with Busy "Maybe one of the children's gardens... he may regret not being able to visit a lot."

What happens if they wish to visit. If you are not comfortable you can say no.

BarbarianMum · 08/02/2017 20:54

Objectively, I don't think I'm a particularly nice person but when I read some of the responses on threads like this I realise I'm not nearly as close to the bottom as it's possible to get.

NewPuppyMum · 08/02/2017 20:54

What difference does it make if he'd like to be scattered there? Two is not hugely different from one.

ChasedByBees · 08/02/2017 20:55

You absolutely can say no. It would end in them wanting to visit and as Tinseltwins says, what if you want to pave over or change that bit? It could end up with soil being removed from the garden (which includes the woman's remains) and sent off to tip. You don't want to have this continually on your mind. It will really impact your enjoyment of your house. You already feel like it's less yours. It's a bad idea that they are not thinking through. This is your home.

I know someone who had the same thing. They refused but they think the previous owners did it anyway as they ended up with flowers on their fence every year and Mother's Day.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/02/2017 20:55

I do understand why it makes you uncomfortable. But I think it's lovely that you live in a house that was such a great home to a family for so long that it was the place she wanted to return to in death. How much love their much be in your house, how much laughter it must have seen, how much care.

allowlsthinkalot · 08/02/2017 20:56

He won't necessarily want to visit. He might well be comforted knowing he has returned her to the place they were so happy and have other ways to channel his grief. I think it would be massively distressing for him not to be able to do this.

You have every right to say no of course, it is your home. But I really hope you don't. Please say yes to him, OP.

I'm surprised people are squeamish about the ashes or children playing around them. I think that if the lady wanted a sacred resting place she would have chosen a different option. She probably likes the idea of being absorbed into the hustle and bustle of the children's play and being part of the future of the house. I doubt she would mind being raked or dug over.

If the appearance of the ashes bothers you ask him to bury them in the garden instead.

spellingtestmess · 08/02/2017 20:57

You could perhaps let him bury the ashes in a big pot that's tucked into the far corner of your garden and plant a rose of similar. You could let him have the cut roses? The pot could be moved then, if needed.

EyeStye · 08/02/2017 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/02/2017 20:58

I can understand you finding it strange. Its certainly not a request you get everyday. However its not really something you can say "no" to, is it

EyeStye · 08/02/2017 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Itmustbemyage · 08/02/2017 20:59

I would definitely agree if it was me, such a little thing to bring a lot of comfort to someone else. After all, if she had died while they were living in the house her ashes could have been scattered in the garden and since you didn't know you wouldn't have felt weird about your garden. I would suggest that they scatter or bury a small portion of the ashes in the garden but scatter the rest somewhere else that meant a lot to the couple, somewhere that the family could visit. I would also expect the man to want the same to happen to his ashes when his time comes but you may not even be living in the house by then?When I scattered my dad's ashes it was just dust, no fragments and they quickly dispersed. I wonder how the pp's who would be against the idea would feel if it was a member of their family and a place that had meant a lot to them?

poisonedbypen · 08/02/2017 21:00

I was surprised how much "ash" there was when my mum was cremated. I would suggest they bury them or just scatter a small amount. Some will blow away but most of it is ground up bone. Several pounds of it!

Maudlinmaud · 08/02/2017 21:00

I'm Irish, we rarely hear of cremation here. (Local) I remember visiting a cemetary in england and wondering what the grey stuff was under a rose bush and the little paper cross beside it. Then it dawned on me it was someones ashes.
I probably would just let this man get on with it op. Sad Sad

allowlsthinkalot · 08/02/2017 21:01

I think there are a lot of assumptions being made...that the family will want to visit regularly, that they will be upset if you change the garden...I would assume that they just want to return to the place they were so happy.

Few minutes out of your life. Maybe twice if he wants to join his wife.

Rightontheschnozz · 08/02/2017 21:01

If you're uncomfortable letting him do this then you are well within your rights to decline. Like OP have said already, he may well want to return and visit. Grief is a complex thing and maybe he's not thinking to clearly right now. Maybe suggest that he scatters them in a few different places, or even in his own back yard. I don't think you're being unreasonable to decline.

Norland · 08/02/2017 21:01

As others have said, a small amount of ash only.

www.scattering-ashes.co.uk/help-advice/funeral/cremation-faq/

Trifleorbust · 08/02/2017 21:01

I couldn't feel anything but happy to help tbh. If you can make someone feel better by allowing such a simple thing, surely that's good?

Between4and30characters · 08/02/2017 21:02

It would be a no from me, and I don't understand all the people saying you would be heartless to say no.

If you agree, you don't know how you will feel about your garden afterwards. I think it will not feel quite your own.

Lindy2 · 08/02/2017 21:02

It's a bit odd I agree. However, it clearly means a lot to them and actually letting them have access to your garden for a little while isn't going to put you out all that much. I'd see it as an opportunity to do a good deed and to be able to pass on a bit of kindness to a family grieving. Everyone needs a bit of kindness from time to time.
I'd say yes.

Grewsap · 08/02/2017 21:02

I would say no without a second thought! To ask is odd enough. It won't be the end of it. Much better for them to scatter the ashes somewhere that they can visit.

TinselTwins · 08/02/2017 21:03

Rose bush is a terrible idea - means the OP is commiting to never changing that part of her garden!

I think a good way to put them off while also highlighting that it would be bettr for them to find somewhere more permanant for visiting would be to say "I'm afraid we don't plan to keep the back garden as a planted garden indefinitely and are considering making substantial changes to the building at some point over the next few years, so unfortunately it cannot become a permanent memorial garden."

I don't think they'll want to do it if you say that, and even if the OP doesn't actually do any of that, the next owner might.

GrannyGoggles · 08/02/2017 21:03

No, just No. They can remember the happy times they had at what is now your home. They can look at photos and chat. They can make her favourite cake. And put her ashes Somewhere Else. It's all getting silly. Like blooming weddings. Get over yourselves people