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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
Cherrymix · 08/02/2017 20:44

Its just ash. It'll do the plants good and you can always dig it in when they've gone. Maybe they'll dig it in themselves. Or plant you a nice plant - --or a horrid one

Venusflytwat · 08/02/2017 20:44

God that's hard.
Do you have a front garden? Could you possibly suggest that he could plant a rose or something out front that he could walk past and dig a portion of the ashes into that? And mention about access being difficult in future round the back?

MakingMerry · 08/02/2017 20:44

A friend of mine had her mother want to do this when her father died. She persuaded her not to, on the grounds that they would not be able to visit on important dates/ if the house was sold again. It's awkward. I don't think you can refuse, really, but I feel the children should be trying to persuade their father to have the ceremony elsewhere, and thinking about what will work best in the future (otherwise are they going to want to scatter his ashes in your garden in due course, so their parents are together?) . If you do agree, suggest delicately making the point that it's not an open invite to come back on anniversaries etc, because otherwise this could be an on-going arrangement.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 08/02/2017 20:45

Agree with Finola ^
I would let them do it, but is suggesting a compromise possible? I.e let them have a ceremony and scatter some of the ashes in your garden, as she wished, but suggest to the husband to scatter the rest in his new garden or bury them in a potted plant at home so he always has her nearby - therefore no need to have any future pilgrimages to your home?
I get why you feel a bit uncomfortable though.

OttoTheOnly · 08/02/2017 20:45

Absolutely not. If they wanted to scatter themselves in the garden they shouldn't have sold the house.

TinselTwins · 08/02/2017 20:45

What happens if in a year or two the OP wants to change the womans "eternal restplace garden" and make it into a wrap around drive way, pave it all, build on it, sell it off to a developer… and they come back and are angry! - Grief isn't always reasonable!

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 08/02/2017 20:45

Put the ashes in an urn and bury that. You can't just do the ashes in the ground, you'd never be able to garden! Also if they want to move the ashes somewhere they can visit they can dig her ashes up and move her somewhere more appropriate. I'd bury the urn in my garden if they asked.

Boiing · 08/02/2017 20:47

It's really awkward but personally I would say no. You have a right to feel at home in your garden, not wondering if your DC is breathing in cremated granny. I would send something along the lines of (off the top of my head 'Dear Mr X, I was incredibly sorry to hear of your loss, Mrs X was a lovely lady. Unfortunately scattering the ashes in our home will not be possible as it is now our child's play area, but I do hope you manage to find somewhere special for them. Perhaps a local park or other place she loved, where her children will be able to visit in future years. Best wishes etc'.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/02/2017 20:48

Just to clarify my position about refusing isn't heartless, i lost my mum young and understand significant loss, and i've watched my dad be in that mans position. 6 1/2 years on he still visits her at least every other day, in the first few years it was every day and it hurts him massively that her siblings and parent don't visit her, leave flowers etc. It is paramount to him to visit her and he wouldn't cope with not being able to. If this gentleman is affected similarly its going to impact him and OP massively, the fact it was her dying wish makes it all the worse as everyone understandably wants to fulfil it but it could come at huge detriment to OP and her family.

iwasagirlinavillage · 08/02/2017 20:48

Do you have a front garden? Would you be prepared for them to scatter her ashes there? It might seem less like your own personal domain and they can pass by without needing to bother you if they want to "visit" in the future.

Llamacorn · 08/02/2017 20:48

Depending on what kind of street you live on, is there any way they could put a memorial outside of your garden. I don't know if this would even be allowed, a bench perhaps, or a little wind chime hanging off your fence or birdbath, small plant?
I can see how it makes you uncomfortable but I also can't see how you can really refuse bless him.

SageMist · 08/02/2017 20:48

You could offer to give the family a bucket of soil from your garden. Then they could mix the soil and her ashes and scatter them together elsewhere.

YouHadMeAtCake · 08/02/2017 20:49

I can see you might feel odd about it but I do think you would be cruel to refuse. He will feel terrible if you say no and feel awful that she did not get her wish. They were happy there , please just let him do this last thing for his wife.

Iwanttobeanonymous · 08/02/2017 20:49

I would say no.
It is no longer their home - and like pp have said what if he wants to visit, and then be scattered there himself?

Happybee09 · 08/02/2017 20:49

As a pp suggested can you ask them to plant some of the ashes with a plant and then scatter/bury the rest where they are able
To visit?

Benedikte2 · 08/02/2017 20:50

I'd ask them if they would be happy to scatter or bury just a small amount and to scatter the rest elsewhere in favourite spot or spots.
I believe it's not unusual to do this.
If you refused they could always come round when you're out and empty the urn over your fence!
I would share your feelings of unease OP but would be conflicted by my desire to be empathetic, kind.
Good luck.
Why don't you tell us how you ultimately resolve the issue?

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 08/02/2017 20:50

I think you have to weigh up your unease at the request against this poor man's anguish at not being able to fulfill the dying wish of somebody who he shared 5 decades with. There's really no contest. Honestly I think it would be heartless not to allow this and I haven't seen a single compelling reason to cause a grieving person further pain. The negatives for you are nothing more than minor inconveniences. So what if it's more "fine gravel" than dust. Is that really the end of the world?

I think the husband will probably want to be scattered at the house too which again, is no more or less of a problem than allowing it for his wife. You could always ask him his intentions in this regard. I also don't think it would be unreasonable to let him know gently that this is your family home now and that the garden won't be accessible for memorials or visits in the future.

Olivia1971 · 08/02/2017 20:50

There is nothing else for it - just talk to him, gently.

Explain that whilst you might be willing to do this, what if you sell and the new owners are not happy to let him go with his wife (or you for example). It may well be a one off, gently be honest with him about how you feel. If it's a one off - then it's a kind deed for a bereaved man.

Ask for the ashes to be buried, and a plant (they buy) over the top. In a discreet corner of the garden. Let them in through your gate, not the house, I'm sure they wont be there long.

Soubriquet · 08/02/2017 20:51

It would be a no from me too

As hard it would be to say it

There would no guarantee that family members wouldn't just turn up when they wanted to. And that the man will want it too in a few years

It isn't their home anymore.

loinnir · 08/02/2017 20:51

Can they access the garden without having to go through your house? I think having it the front garden is a good idea

highlandholiday · 08/02/2017 20:52

Gosh-hard one! Could you suggest the front garden so that they can visit it more easily in future without intruding so much?

Finola1step · 08/02/2017 20:52

SageMist that's a very good idea. They could mix some of the soil and ashes into a pot in which they could grow one of the wife's favourite flowers.

letthirstydogslie · 08/02/2017 20:52

As someone who has buried ashes it won't just blow away. There's loads of it.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 08/02/2017 20:52

I would strongly encourage them to split the ashes and scatter some in your garden and some elsewhere.
I wouldn't want to deny the man the opportunity to fulfill his wife's dying wish.
But I also wouldn't want lots of repeat visits to visit her in future, and a near guarantee that he would be scattered there too (i would hope to be able to accommodate him in future, but wouldn't want to be committed to it).
.

MidniteScribbler · 08/02/2017 20:53

It would feel strange to me. I think I'd rather it be buried down the very back corner somewhere, and they provide a nice rose of whatever was her favourite flower planted over the top. No nameplate or stone or anything, just the plant. I wouldn't want the ash blowing all over the garden.

But I would be making it absolutely clear that this was a once off visit, and they are not able to come back for visits and will have no further access to any part of your property. Also, they can have an hour to plant and say their goodbyes, but they need to leave, they can't stand around drinking tea and reminiscing. There's also no access to the interior of your property, only the backyard (so no toilets).

I think you need to take a bit of a hard line on this, or you could find Mr Former Home Owner in your backyard every day having a chat with his wife. Also, you need to be prepared that he will expect to be buried there as well in due course.