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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
thebig4 · 09/02/2017 21:13

heartless i may well be but i'm astounded that the man asked this. what an intrusion. they should scatter somewhere they can all visit instead of private property they no longer own.

thebig4 · 09/02/2017 21:14

i speak as someone who has lost a parent when they were relatively young.

AppleYumYum · 09/02/2017 21:21

RTFT before commenting on it, she's explained why they had to sell the house already, and appreciate that Dottie has come to a decision!

Dottie I think you are amazing and kind, and you will have a warm glow thinking of what you did for that family forever more. If it feels right then it is the right thing for you.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 09/02/2017 21:33

Love if that people are telling people what she will think.

She may well regret it later too. It's a horrible position to have been put in.

Not agreeing or consenting to something doesn't mean that you are lacking in compassion or empathy for the bereaved man.

I might have complete empathy with the junkie who knocked on my door asking for money the other night & wanting me to give him a lift to the homeless shelter. Refusing to grant his request wasn't heartless just not the right thing to do in that situation. It would have negatively impacted on my family whom I have to put first.

Similar principles at play here.

Maxie42 · 09/02/2017 21:37

Do it, make sandwiches and tea. Love makes the world go around X

Olswitcharoo · 09/02/2017 21:49

It's a small effort from you which would mean so much to the gent to be able to give his wife her wish. Have a heart. They spent 50 years in the house and obviously it has special meaning to them. It wouldn't even enter my head to say no and it would be a pleasure for me to be able to give it to him.

Olswitcharoo · 09/02/2017 21:51

Oops. Read first, comment second!
Lovely of you! I felt sad on the family behalf and skipped ahead without doing the necessary reading!

blankittyblank · 09/02/2017 21:53

Glassofdrywhitewine - that's nonsense about the ashes needing to go on the deeds! The only thing which would be an issue if anyone wanted the ashes removed then they'd need to be exhumed. But no-one needs to know they're there and you certainly don't have to put them on the deeds!

www.scattering-ashes.co.uk/help-advice/law/

MycatsaPirate · 09/02/2017 21:57

It seems to be pretty dusty in my living room

MargoChanning · 09/02/2017 22:02

Dottie, I think you are an amazing and wonderful woman. Your kindness to the man has really moved me today.

BearFoxBear · 09/02/2017 22:09

niceglassofdrywhitewine if the legality of it is the first thing you would consider in this situation, then I feel pretty sad for you.

Scandie · 09/02/2017 22:23

I Would have NO problems with this at all(and we have a teeny tiny garden). It would mean the world to this man and his family, they must have been so happy there and had so many good memories of the house and garden, so that must be good karma surely. Also, it's just a bit of ashes, but it would make someone's grief and sorrow lighter to bear. And grief is a motherfucker of a bitch to carry, BUT then again, I am soppy ol' sock who's lost one parent recently, just after my bestest grandparent as well so a double whammy of grief for two of my best persons when I needed them both to stay. I also stand to lose another parent in a long, hard and painful cancer horror, and have a very ill partner where death - although thankfully remote - is a distinct possibility (all cancer, all horrible , and very much coloring my views). I am also of the ilk that if it's no skin off my nose and if it helps someone else, then I am good with it. And although I'd never ask someone for a similar favour, I'd like to think I could if I really really needed it. I understand if you'd feel weird and say no, but to me it would be an easy yes. (And if they wanted to come back and visit on the anniversary or birthday of the woman, I'd probably bake a flippin' cake but I do tend to overcompensate for others' problems (and overlook my own))

Scandie · 09/02/2017 22:29

How the hell I just overlooked 22 pages of posts AND a resolution, I'll never know, and I apologise for not RTFT. (Newbie poster, long time lurker, if that is a viable defense) I am so glad this is resolved, and you're a kind lady w class, Dottie.

Lifeonthefarm · 09/02/2017 22:59

You are custodians of the ground you live on. You never truly own it because you don't live for ever. So I don't see the problem in terms of it not feeling like 'yours' anymore.

Drumdelgie · 09/02/2017 23:00

Flowers and Brew Scandie, it being built all the comfort I can offer through a phone screen.

Drumdelgie · 09/02/2017 23:01

*it being all...

See, phone screen! Blush

DevelopingDetritus · 09/02/2017 23:42

Perhaps they haven't felt a serious loss in their life. Many of us have explained about our loss but still don't agree with it, has nothing to do with it.
Hopefully all goes well OP.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 09/02/2017 23:56

I'm sorry but you have to think about the legality of this. Once you have buried ashes (not scattered) then by law they are treated as a body and need an exhumation order. The law may be flouted but that's what it is. You have to take proper steps to be aware of it.

As I said DH has a particular professional interest and knowledge so yes it is something I would take seriously.

You have to be aware of the implications of what you agree to. I am not saying that OP has made the wrong decision but decisions need to be grounded on more than just 'because it feels right'.

But this is descending into self-congratulatory virtue-signaling. It isn't morally wrong to be uneasy with consenting to the internment of human remains on your property and all that comes with it. You have to be aware of what you are consenting to.

I would refuse not least because I couldn't trust the dog or kids not to dig them up, environmental concerns (bearing in mind how toxic ashes are to soil) and because I have particular religious beliefs about the internment of remains.

Not that I don't feel sorry for the widower. I'd invite him over for a meal and a chat and a chance to reminisce and grieve while gently explaining why not.

What if your DH or partner co-owned the house and was vehemently opposed? Is it fair to override their wishes and set up a permanent source of resentment? All things you need to consider as well as the feelz. Hmm

KnittedBlanketHoles · 09/02/2017 23:59

I would have said no. I don't see any pressure to keep people's dying wishes, as long as they were comforted at the time it makes no difference if the promise is actually kept.

moomoo1965 · 10/02/2017 00:02

Ok - need to fess up here. Try to cut very long story short! Dad died and cremated - kept ashes, mum died 6 years later - have ashes. Me and bro mixed their ashes together and spent the day spreading them in memorable places. One of the places was the house we grew up in had the best memories from. We sat on the front wall and just threw a big handful into the garden and sat there for a bit. We then went to the pubs they frequented (they liked a drink or two) and put some ashes there too, we even poured their favourite tipples over them. It was almost like they were still having a drink together. I say, whatever gets them through this sad time, but if you can see it as a positive and happy place that will bring good vibes to your home and family then maybe it is more of an honour than a worry??

moomoo1965 · 10/02/2017 00:04

Just to say hadn't read all the threads just from the heart!!❤

KnittedBlanketHoles · 10/02/2017 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 00:10

I know you'll be deleted Knittedblanketholes but tend to agree.

People should look up the 1857 burial act. You technically need a licence from the Secretary of State to dig them up. And with a plaque there you can hardly claim ignorance.

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/02/2017 00:11

I'm sorry but you have to think about the legality of this. Once you have buried ashes (not scattered) then by law they are treated as a body and need an exhumation order

It would seem that a blind eye is turned to ashes buried in a garden.

www.scattering-ashes.co.uk/help-advice/exhumation-of-ashes/

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 00:16

"We suspect people tend to ignore this". Probably true but no actual evidence. What if OP or new home owners need to dig granny up and the children or grandchildren object?