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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
frizzfactor · 09/02/2017 19:55

No is a full sentence. This would also make me feel weird. Like it's not my house, and they haven't let go of it. I would say I understand it might be difficult but the thought of it makes me uncomfortable so I'm sorry but no.

You don't owe them anything. Grief is hard but it's a fact of life (before anyone jumps on me, I've suffered far too many close and traumatic bereavements).

It sounds as though they don't have boundaries, and it's up to you maintain your own if you want to.

For me it would be a firm but gentle no. Grief is not a bargaining chip.

(I'm also very aware that people will see me as awful, but I'm very happy with my own thoughts around it. Each to their own.)

Branleuse · 09/02/2017 19:56

if they loved the house so much and it was so sentimental, how come they sold it and moved??

witwootoodleoo · 09/02/2017 19:57

Yay dottie what a lovely kind person you are :)

I'm kind of hoping he turns into an honorary grandpa but clearly getting carried away.

Just a thought, but have you changed the house much? If so you might want to give him a gentle heads up so it's not too much of a shock for him

crazycatlady25 · 09/02/2017 19:57

Dottie39 that is the nicest loveliest kindest thing you have done!
Such a beautiful gesture helping an old man deal with his grief.
We need more people like you in this world.

xXx

Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2017 19:58

Dagnabit "Or at least highlight OP's posts and read them!! There have been several updates since the first post"

I always try to read the Op's postings but don't know how to highlight only the OP's postings. Can you say how to do it, please/

MagicMoments22 · 09/02/2017 20:00

Our whole garden is gradually being dug up and changed so I wouldn't want this. Dog has run of garden as do cats and we will be growing food once we partition a section so no.

On another note I had to deal with the exhuming of a body from a garden after the spouse died and property sold (no idea how they got permission but there it was!) not fun

BabyAlexander · 09/02/2017 20:05

I've quietly lurked and I'm so pleased you've agreed.

When my GM died we went to her old street to see the neighbours. The new owners recognised us and came out, we explained what had happened. We were invited in to collect some mistletoe from her favourite apple tree. It really did mean a lot. It was also lovely the see the house, which had always been very prim and proper, to be a family home with paintings hanging up to dry and scuffs in the lawn from the tree swing.

You're a very nice person OP.

SquidgeyMidgey · 09/02/2017 20:10

You're very kind Dottie.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 09/02/2017 20:11

Not read the thread but you know that it's technically illegal?

WicksEnd · 09/02/2017 20:13

Stop it Dottie I'm a blubbing mess 😥🌻

foodiefil · 09/02/2017 20:18

How lovely ❤️❤️❤️

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 09/02/2017 20:19

Actually scrub that it isn't illegal - but I'd still say no. scuttles off to read full thread.

zwellers · 09/02/2017 20:20

So you are now going with a complete stranger to chose a plaque for their dead mother to be placed on your gate so you get to be reminded of a dead stranger whose ashes are in the garden of your house everyday. Sorry I think that's creepy

IlPorcupinoNilSodomyEst · 09/02/2017 20:23

Dottie you are very kind - my lovely MIL died a few years before FIL and we were always very grateful to people who were kind to him when he was lonely.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/02/2017 20:24

I think it's kind, zwellers. (And if you live in the UK, you are constantly surrounded by little memorials, as well as actual human remains. That's just life on a smallish island. Sorry if you think that's creepy. I think it's human, and comforting, and helps us remember continuity and community.)

PoisonousSmurf · 09/02/2017 20:24

The plaque thing is a bit too much. I would have offered to dig up some of the dirt (with ashes) from the garden and put it in a nice pot with a flowering plant. Or even a big bag of soil that he could use it to plant a rose bush or something.

Lynnm63 · 09/02/2017 20:25

Dottie you really are a lovely person. Idk what I'd do in your position tbh.

BelafonteRavenclaw · 09/02/2017 20:27

I think you're doing a lovely thing Dottie.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 09/02/2017 20:29

OK checked with DH who knows about this stuff professionally.

Dottie - I know you are being kind but you need to know this.

Once you agree then you have to note on the deeds of the house that a dead body is there. It is counted as a grave site. That means, even though they are ashes, should you wish to dig them up or build on that part of the garden then you will need an exhumation order.

If you ever sell the house then the new buyers will need to be aware.

Lots of people may ignore this in practice but that's the technical legal position. Your garden will be designated an official burial site. Presuming you are happy with that?

BearFoxBear · 09/02/2017 20:36

Dottie that's a lovely, kind thing to do. That poor man Sad Flowers

I can't believe that some of you would say no. How heartless.

SauvignonBlanche · 09/02/2017 20:37

Italiangreyhound, click on the downwards arrow next to 'Talk' on the top left and click on customise.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 09/02/2017 20:43

It's not heartless to say no. It's arguably emotionally manipulative and unreasonable to ask this of anyone.

The widower may not realize but he is placing a legal obligation upon the OP. I'd be deeply uncomfortable with it for both legal and religious reasons. In fact if OP was religious she could well be being asked to go against her conscience.

MudCity · 09/02/2017 20:45

I would definitely agree. It's a small thing that makes a world of difference to someone.

MissJSays · 09/02/2017 20:59

Wow, this thread has really warmed my heart.

My initial thought was no! I wouldn't want my DC playing amongst human remains. But the agreement you have come to is brilliant and you have allowed him to grant her last wish.

Fantastic outcome OP!

KBatch · 09/02/2017 21:12

I'm really shocked about how heartless some people are on here. Perhaps they haven't felt a serious loss in their life. Get over it. It's just ashes. It's not going to affect you in any way. Let the poor man deal with his loss. Christ people are self absorbed.