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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:

MrsPeelyWaly · 10/02/2017 00:16

niceglassofdrywhitewine if the legality of it is the first thing you would consider in this situation, then I feel pretty sad for you

Legally you can even bury a body in you garden as long as you didn't murder the person

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 00:20

You just need to be aware of precisely what it is you are consenting to. That's the point that's being wilfully missed here.

Don't feel sorry for me because I don't want human remains in my garden. But then I live opposite a cemetery so I don't suppose the situation would arise

TheMaddHugger · 10/02/2017 02:22

niceglassofdrywhitewine

Please stop.

Chickenlady10 · 10/02/2017 02:23

I agree it's pretty unusual but must have taken some courage to ask at a painful time. I think to refuse would be be a bit heartless even though possibly awkward. I also think putting under a rose would be nicer than simply scattering the ashes. Could another member of their family perhaps discuss this with respect to your future privacy? The bottom line, as I see it, is your agreement would be a real comfort to someone after a long lifetime of a loving happy relationship. Think your kindness would be so appreciated. Best of luck.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 03:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheMaddHugger · 10/02/2017 03:36

niceglassofdrywhitewine
The OP has already agreed and is helping pick out a placemark.
She [Op Dottie] has made her choice.
If OP has any questions I am sure she will ask them.

Please stop.

TheOnlyDadHere · 10/02/2017 07:59

As long as they're nice people I would let them scatter the ashes. And let them visit. It'd be like having an extended family.

If you're worried about your kids, kids love old people. Something about having the undivided attention of somebody not immediately responsible for their care.

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 10/02/2017 08:34

I think I would even after all the updates politely decline.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 08:42

MadHugger

As long as you patronising demand that I stop, the longer I will go on!

OP initially said that she wanted to refuse but felt heartless. Completely up to her if she wants to change her mind but she needs to be fully aware of the legal and practical implications of having ashes either buried or scattered on her property. A few posters mentioned the practicalities of ashes being toxic to soil & plant life, and also how they don't simply scatter.

Nobody pointed out the potential legal implications of having a grave on your property. Dottie may not have realized.

It's important that she (and anyone else) are aware. She may now choose to double check or research the legal position herself and still go ahead. It's called informed consent.

Funny, we have one epic thread where a woman is applauded as a hero for standing up for herself and asserting her rights over her property and now a second where a woman is encouraged to transgress her natural boundaries and comfort zone because making a man feel happy and giving him comfort has to trump everything else. It's no wonder women still continue to get walked all over.

It's fine to say no to people if they want to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable. You should never be made to feel irrational or be guilted into going against your instincts.

Equally it's important to make decisions with your eyes wide open and not just presume or rely on everyone's good nature. In a few years time, this situation could prove to be a tie.

ittakes2 · 10/02/2017 08:43

I would feel weird about it too - but I would feel less weird for someone reason if they were scattered in my front garden. I guess because the public can access that easily. Would you feel better about it being your front garden? If yes, maybe suggest that to them.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 10/02/2017 09:00

And of course having said yes, it's even harder for OP to say no. I missed the final update about the plaque shopping.

Dottie you sound like a lovely woman but it's not intrusive that you should have a say in what kind of plaque goes in YOUR garden!!

Realjournal123 · 10/02/2017 09:18

Everybody has memories from a home they have spent a long time in but they sold it and moved on. That's life. I'm not harsh but you bought the house and now you inhabit it and it's YOUR home and you have the last day. She sadly will have no idea where she's being laid but you will have to live with the consequences. Why should their life impede on yours. It's not as though it's on a park or something. I'd be thinking when my kids play and roll around in the grass that they're getting covered in her ashes! It's hardly pleasant is it? I think it's a bit of a cheek to ask and believe me, not many would say yes to having that dumped in their garden. It's you and your family who will have to live with this and your home is your sanctuary.

echt · 10/02/2017 09:22

Realjournal, you do realise your kids will roll around in bat/bird/insect shit and have breathed in molecules that Shakespeare breathed, don't you?

Oh, and RTFT for the updates.

BartholinsSister · 10/02/2017 09:26

I would feel uncomfortable about it too, less so if there was a generous cash incentive.

SparkleMotions · 10/02/2017 09:38

This is so difficult, I really feel for the Widower and his family, but at the end of the day it is your home now, you have every right to say no OP, I know I sound horrible when saying this, but I'd have to say no and suggest they find somewhere else! To the people that are saying a refusal is heartless, if your loved one died and you were put in this situation, would you ask a total stranger to scatter ashes in their garden (not being horrible- just a general wondering if any of you would actually ask this of someone, I certainly couldn't, it's just a very strange request)

SparkleMotions · 10/02/2017 09:41

Sorry, didn't read the update :( You are a truly lovely person for doing this OP. I don't think I could unfortunately!

Doesitreallymatteranyway · 10/02/2017 09:54

I could really see all the reasons for saying no but really hoped you said yes. I loved the answer of Youokhun. In the end I was so moved by your response Dottie39 to this frail gentleman and his family. I think it is amazing what you are going to do.

MsGemJay · 10/02/2017 10:14

Oh wow! What an awkward and strange thing to ask?

It is your home now though and although they have happy memories it isn't her home anymore.

I agree, the ashes wouldn't bother me but ten her family wouldn't be able to come and see her!

Donou have any plants in the garden that were there when you moved? Maybe you could pot a plant and give it to the family? Then they have something from the house they can remember her by??

Tricky! :-/

HiDBandSIL · 10/02/2017 10:16

Also shedding a tear here. OP you've done such a kind thing.