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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
myfavouritecolourispurple · 09/02/2017 18:23

Gosh Dottie you are a lovely lady. Much less selfish than I would have been. That said, my garden is quite small. If it was 75 foot with rear access I might be more accommodating.

The people who had our house before us were here for years. Please don't read this and get ideas...

NellysKnickers · 09/02/2017 18:27

Aw Op, I've just read your update, my original post said to say no but it looks like you've done an amazing thing. Well done you Smile

welovepancakes · 09/02/2017 18:28

OP you are a superstar. I'm touched by how well you have handled this. I think your kindness will be a huge comfort to the family

photodrama · 09/02/2017 18:35

Op you are bloody lovely. I just want to give the old man hugs :(

picklemepopcorn · 09/02/2017 18:35

You've made me cry now, OP!

Dagnabit · 09/02/2017 18:38

Ooh, got something in my eye...

AlexRose5 · 09/02/2017 18:42

OP...
The ashes would blow away... it's purely a symbolic thing.
None of us live forever and there's sweet fk all anyone can do about that , but we can help ease another persons loss by doing a kind deed.
I agree it's a little unorthodox to come ask to scatter the ashes in your garden that's no longer theirs but I hope that you have a heart about it and oblige . Flowers

AlexRose5 · 09/02/2017 18:45

Just read back a few pages !
Op you are indeed a wonderful example of a human being Flowers God bless you x

sunflowerblue · 09/02/2017 18:53

I'm so pleased you said yes, and for those reasons. I'm not a religious person, but I suppose I do have a sense of spirituality. And this thread really struck me as being about our own mortality.

Right now this is your home, but really, it doesn't belong to you. You belong to this brief moment in time. And before you know it your time will have passed (sorry for the not so cheery post!) I really like the idea of people wanting to become a physical part of the place that was 'theirs'.

And as you said, one day it will be you and your husband. I like the idea of an annual visit too, I think it would give far more of a feeling of connection to your home than names on the deeds.

Babyroobs · 09/02/2017 18:57

I would let them do it, it wouldn't bother me. Knowing that it was really important to someone and that my home had held so many lovely special memories for them, would make me want help out.

NorksAreMessy · 09/02/2017 19:12

dottie I am so very glad you are doing this lovely KIND thing.
The world needs more people like you Halo

MrsC45 · 09/02/2017 19:22

Ah you have to do it! Would be hard to say no! Just think how nice it is that happy memories exist in the home you now own, and I wouldn't go out, it shouldn't take them long, just offer a cup of tea, you might get to share some nice stories about the area and /or the house, you might learn something that makes you smile. X

EloiseinSpring · 09/02/2017 19:27

I feel for you but I think you should say no in a polite way pointing to what others have said (not easy access for visits...). I know it sounds heartless but I think it is a lot to ask from someone they don not know. And you are clearly feeling uncomfortable. I would too, and agonise over it as you are doing. They do not even know if you are religious and maybe couldn't agree to it on that ground? I would find a polite, caring and gentle way to let them know that you couldn't agree to it. This is your home now.

PassTheWineAndFags · 09/02/2017 19:28

Dear God its irritating when people don't read the while thread.

OP, you are a very lovely person and doing an amazing thing. It sounds like your kindness is appreciated by the widower and his family. Hopefully the niceness continues

jayne1976 · 09/02/2017 19:33

Sorry I don't think I could, I would constantly think about the ashes blowing around and it would spook me, even though I believe death if final. I would end up having to move. If you have children can you say you think it would be upsetting for them?

Dagnabit · 09/02/2017 19:35

Or at least highlight OP's posts and read them!! There have been several updates since the first post Hmm

SauvignonBlanche · 09/02/2017 19:37

Good on you Dotty, that's very kind. Flowers

riceuten · 09/02/2017 19:41

The ashes wouldn't bother me at all [good for the plants, I assume], the worry that they would keep making a pilgrimage to my garden in the future would

Exactly this. And they may feel entitled to do so.

If this is also your concern, make this clear from the start that you don't want it.

honeyroar · 09/02/2017 19:44

Just wanted to say what a lovely person you are. You will have made a lonely, sad old man feel really happy. Respect to you.

PlumsGalore · 09/02/2017 19:45

OP you sound a lovely person, I a man impressed by your empathy.

PlumsGalore · 09/02/2017 19:45
  • I am impressed
HMF1 · 09/02/2017 19:48

OP I have tears in my eyes reading your last post.You are doing a lovely thing for this family. My darlimg mum died in September last year & my dad is so lonely even though we are close by & see him regularly,he goes out a lot as well they were both sociable. Its the closing the door when everyone has gone & he is on his own after 57 years its hard. so we are greatful for everything people do for dad & it sounds like this family will be the same. Sorry to derail & I am sure they will say it themselves but thank you for you kindness & empathy.

1frenchfoodie · 09/02/2017 19:49

Oh Dottie I am so glad you made a decision you and the family are all happy with, such kindness. It made me a little teary (in a good way). May the good karma come back to you.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/02/2017 19:52

Lovely updates Dottie and you might have made a new friend. I think the key in this is actually to talk to the family, like Dottie has done and take it from there.

Hoping the weather is fine for the little ceremony.

QuimReaper · 09/02/2017 19:54

Dottie I'm really tearing up here!

When is the ceremony to be?

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