To expect husband to use his brain occasionally?

[McDougal]

Together for 16 years, married for almost seven but almost certain that he has engaged his brain about three times during that period. He'll do absolutely anything for anyone, me included, but the second conversation turns to him doing something without direction, he goes blank. Please tell me it's not just me that this infuriates?

*AIBU To expect wife to use her brain occasionally?

"Feminazi"? "Man hating twatsies"?
What planet are you on?

I'm with Bert. Accepting that men are 'just not very good' at being organised at home created a rod for women's backs. That's not to say that all men are lazy or useless, but let's not perpetuate a stereotype that allows the lazy ones to get away with it.

WomanWithAltitude I agree you are not on the planet I am on with regards to this matter. We are seeing things differently on this occasion.

Nuance womanwith, please!

No nazism was nt useful but I think most would agree that governments have a useful place in society.

Do not put words into my mouth.

I'm not entirely sure I understand your response to me, Baffled.

I agree LineysRun. I've seen and heard it a lot. I've never once thought it would be considered offensive as it is calling out the bad behaviour of the Nazis in its application to different things to imply taking useful things, but then taking these things way too far.

To be clear, I personally find comparing nazis in any way to anything other than nazis, offensive. And I know that a lot of people feel the same.

But I guess it is, as I said, a judgement call for MNHQ about what they'll allow on their own site.

I mean I agree that clarification is needed.

I disagree with your take on the issue.

Perpetuating stereotypes happens on a daily basis, whether it be a gender stereotype or based around race, social class, sexuality or gender.

Should this be tolerated? Probably not however they are a part of our society and if we lose the humour in these situations, it would make a very sad world indeed.

I'm obviously a bit caught up with gender in my post below but my point remains.

Baffled - I would genuinely be interested in hearing your definition of feminism.

Dictionary definition. It's all I've got - I don't belong to any feminist groups to redefine it or fine tune it. I love the dictionary definition.

I don't like the abuse of feminism by angry females with a grudge match.

I'd love to hear their definition of equality.

Baffled - 'government' == 'nazi'
It's got nothing to do with nuance.

If you are comparing feminism with governments, then 'feminazi' is not the right term. You use it because you are comparing feminists and the Nazis. Who committed genocide. At least be fucking honest.

From wiki:
*"Feminazi" is a term used pejoratively to describe either feminists who are perceived as extreme or radical, women who are perceived as seeking superiority over men (rather than equality), or to describe all feminists.

The earliest known use of the word dates from 1989 and it was popularized by politically conservative radio talk-show host Rush Limbaugh in the early 1990s. It is a portmanteau of the nouns feminist and Nazi. The online version of the Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the term as used in a "usually disparaging" manner, to describe "an extreme or militant feminist".*

Is it really appropriate to use a perjorative term like that on a lighthearted thread about someone who'd rather like her DH to show a bit of nous when it comes to things like looking after his child? That sort of namecalling (I shouldn't have said childish, children probably don't know quite such a nasty word) is bound to generate heat rather than light, isn't it?

The question that has been asked is, "is it really inappropriate?"

Really appropriate it very objective.

Freedom of speech means I must be mindful of being inappropriate, but I do not have to please everyone with the things that I say.

I have said what I said in good faith and will stand corrected and apologise if it is a banned word on Mumsnet.

Unfortunately there is no perfect man out there, my SIL says there are only 2 things wrong with men, everything they say and everything they do! But seriously, he sounds adorable. My first H couldnt bang a nail in, my second is brilliant at everything DIY, but he is undtidy,messy, I told him I think he has a bin phobia, crisp packets, wrappers, etc. go on the sofa next to him, clothes go on top or next to the wash bin. I used to come home from a twelve and a half hour night shift, plus 50 mile drive home, come indoors, see the state of the place, which I had left immaculate, and go round raging, then I couldnt sleep, eventually, I told myself, either go to my DD and have a sleep before driving home, not going to be feeling so wretched when I got home, or just get into bed when I got home, and not look anywhere. The weird thing is he is a perfectionist, both at work, and any jobs round the house, that means, it takes months to get anything done. BUT, then you get a scarey health crisis (or a young friend dies) you count your blessings! Actually, when I am ill, hes awful, really thoughtless.

I'm struggling with my partner on this issue at the moment.

He has a senior job, is doing the work of three people right now because of cutbacks, and before we had a baby I would have said he was decent at doing his fair share in our flat/relationship without prompting. Otherwise I wouldn't have had a baby with him!

Since we had our DS(8 months), it's as though he's lost the ability to remember simple tasks, and needs constant reminders. I've taken over most of the housework since I'm on ML, but I still need him to help with Ds. So eg he'll do the bedtime routine, but has to be reminded EVERY NIGHT that its sleepsuit, teeth, story. There are many many small issues like that, which by themselves I could live with, but all together are building up.

Its driving me mad, and causing a lot of problems in our relationship, since I'm not accepting that he loses his brain when he's at home. It's like someone told him 'Do everything half arsed and only when asked, that way soon you won't have to do it anymore'. It makes me not respect/love him as much, because I know he's not an idiot, but him acting like 1 is unattractive.

Sorry OP, I know you wanted lighthearted!

Sorry about multiple posts

Down

I wouldn't be surprised if thast is exactly what he is doing. He's probably been allowed to do that since he was a child and his mum would wipe his arse for him.

I strongly believe men will do exactly what they can get away with. Look at the post from Nanny
She comes home to a pigsty, what does she do? Nothing. Shrugs it off and goes to bed or sleeps elsewhere instead of going home. When she's I'll, what does her OH do? Fuck all apparently. Yet she let's him.

At work these men children would Gert a bollocking and the sack. At home they get moaned at but ultimately that does t matter. Yeah they might show they're capable for a day or two to keep the little woman happy, but ultimately they'll fall back into being lazy.

You should all Gert a big piece of paper, pin it in the kitchen and wrote on it:
"The Fuck You List"

Then every time they can't be arsed to do something simple you make it clear they've basically said,
"Fuck You, I'm more important, you do it"
And write it on the list.
Eventually that list will be huge and you'll see how little respect and caring your partners have for you.

Crisp packets stuffed in sofa?
Fuck you Nanny/ you clean it
Can't remember bedtime routine?
Fuck you down you do it
Poorly but still having to do everything whilst OH does nothing?
A massive Fuck You nanny you're not important enough to look after.

So on amnd so forth.

Quite apart from the fact that it is unequal / annoying / wrong that he can't seem to function as an adult in the home, I also find this passive aggressive helpless man child act deeply deeply unattractive.

I mean who wants to have sex with an adult man who does not know what to do if he can't find a parking space or know anything about his kids' lives.

I would lose all respect, attraction and frankly love for a man who acts like that. And it is an act. One that they put on to absolve themselves of responsibility and work at home.

All this "bless him he does try" attitude makes my teeth itch. He's a grown man. An adult. A partner (supposedly). An equal (allegedly). Not a kitten trying to use the litter tray for the first time. He's not supposed to be cute. That attitude just enables this passive aggressive act. It's not a pleasant dynamic.

My dp used to be like this until i finally snapped and now he does his fair share of things round the house. That is until it comes to doing anything flat packed he suddenly cant do a thing. I ended up building some bunkbeds alone as he was just standing there saying he didnt understand. He will do the shittest job of it to get out of doing it. Same with anything manual actually. He then jokes that im the man in our relationship as diy is now my job

Calling feminists "feminazis" diminishes the Holocaust to "people saying things I find unpleasant".

I wonder if the trend to treat the word "Nazi" as if it only means "a bit nasty innit" plays a part in the West's refusal to intervene in all the genocides that have happened since 1948, or the concentration camps that exist right now in North Korea.