People who say 'oh yes little Johnnie/ Janey loves his/her little brother/sister' when new baby is less than 6 months old ARE LYING

[HesterGreysGarden]

Small gap between my 2 (less than 2 years) and DC1 was DEVASTATED when DC2 came along. Now lots of DC2s friends are having little brothers and sisters and the parents are all saying 'oh yes he/she just loves little babies...' or 'I think it's been harder on us than on him/her...' Please tell me this is utter bullcrap and it's not just that I'm a terrible parent who completely mishandled having number 2.

Having to make room for a younger sibling has been the single most traumatic event in DC1's short life. Adjusting to that was a bit like grieving and it's knocked us all for six. Is our experience really unusual? I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be at all. AIBU to think that's because other people are lying about how easy their DC are finding it?

My little one was DD was 2 when my DS was born. She initially wanted nothing to do with me or him. She warmed to him much faster than she came back around to me let me tell you .

She genuinely does love him (although has been quite vocal about preferring a sister) but this is helped by the fact that he's smitten with her. They still fight to the death over a toy at least once a day but she is pretty happy with the situation now I think.

Somehow

No I'm sure she wasn't. I saw it happen with a couple of friends though. Actually poking and tripping up.

DD absolutely adores the baby but there's 3 years between them and she's baby obsessed. Whether it will last once he starts nicking her toys remains to be seen but she genuinely enjoys spending time with him at the moment, even if she does still tell him she'd have preferred a sister

I kind of hate it when people claim people who have a nice experience are lying.

"You're slim? You have an eating disorder and you're LYING!"
"Loving marriage? You're LYING!"
"Cook your meals? LYING!"

Can't anyone have a bad time of something without accusing those not suffering it of lying?

Right. Look. Kids are all different. Some sleep, some eat, some do neither. My son adored my daughter on sight. He stroked her tiny hands and gazed into her eyes during nappy changes, he joined her on the blanket for tummy time, he abandoned all his games when she was awake to hold toys up in front of her and talk to her non-stop. When she got older, he was her favourite person; she'd crawl to him, he'd hold her hands, teach her games. Never once showed impatience. Found everything she did impossibly delightful. Now he's 8, she's 4.5 and they're just the same. Hold hands all the time. He gives her a big hug and kiss on the top of the head before school, in front of his friends. He's even been known to write her name on his schoolbooks - very small, under his own - because he likes to think of them as a pair. They never fight. They rarely play apart.

Nothing I did. Nothing anyone did. It's just the way of it. My son won't eat greens. They claim to 'hate' sports. My daughter won't let me do plaits in her hair. Eh. We all win some and lose some.

I think the age gap does make some difference. Teeny tiny kids don't even notice the sibling, they're too small. Older kids notice it but don't see it as a threat, because they are secure in who they are, they can appreciate the baby is very different to them, and don't feel so threatened by its presence. They also have school to distract them and have baby-free time. Between those ages you have a more ego-centric kid who still feels they're the centre of the universe and doesn't want to share. Give them a bit of one-on-one time, but ultimately, it's one of life's lessons they need to learn.

There'll come a time they don't even remember their life pre-sibling. My son was almost 4 and he doesn't, even though he can remember certain events - he just assumes his sister was there.

They get over it.

I think that sometimes they appear to adore their new little brother/sis but are giving sly digs when no-one is looking/having nightmares/regressing with potty training

I think a lot of older siblings catch on very quickly that they are supposed to say and behave like they adore their younger sibling, but the actual love kicks in months later. Meanwhile, they are jealous and unhappy. They get over it in the end.

I'm sure it depends on personalities more than anything and there isn't much you can do about that. My sister always loved me, apparently (and certainly always did as far as I can remember) but she has always been lovely and sociable and laidback. I was much bossier and more stubborn and I suspect if I had been the older sibling, it would have been a completely different story

I think it depends on the kid. I'm not lying when I say DD1 LOVED her baby sister who came along when she was 26 months (and still does). I'm also not lying when I say I wasn't as keen on my baby sister who came along when I was a similar age and wasn't for a few years. We are fine now though... thirty years on

I think all children are different.

Dd2 for example if I held someone elses baby when she was 2ish would be there, straight away leg holding, giving evils. Dd1 never did that. I think dd2 would have been jealous, but dd1 wasnt.

DS1 was 21 months and besotted with DS2. DS3 was 18 months when DS4 was born, and was definitely not as enraptured. I was still bf DS3 so ended up tandem feeding and DS3 went from feeding a couple of times a day to wanting to every time I fed DS4. I found that incredibly tough and ending up weaning DS3 off after a month as I really couldn't stand it. It all got better after that although my memory is pretty hazy of that time!

YANBU. Parents like these are fuckers and it's best to keep away.

People will always be positive about a new baby when talking to a pregnant friend with a toddler.

You wouldn't want to scare them with your own experiences of it being hell! Therefore they are sharing the good points, perhaps they are thinking, God, you wait..

DS1 (then 3.5) adored DS2 when he was born. He bloody hated us, though.
He was very angry with us for quite a while - even went under our bed and peed on the carpet (an incident referred to as DS1's dirty protest).

Don't blame yourself, it depends on so many things - personality, age gap etc.

I had a 2.5 year age gap between my 2. DS absolutely adored DD from the minute he met her. He never went through the toddler jealousy thing so people aren;t necessarily lying.

Now that they're 10 and 7 though.....

Every child is different, so it's nothing you have done wrong.

My son (aged 2 1/2 at age of babies arrival) loved being a big brother. When anyone came round he would bring them over to see "his baby". Even now 9 months later, he is fiercely protective of her, constant cuddles, and will always talk about her.

We have never pushed this? In fact when people came round to meet her I said not to make a fuss of her, and to make a fuss of him. But he was saying "no look at the baby".

Weird how some are

My best friend has two grandchildren: a girl of 4 and a boy of 2. When the youngest was born her granddaughter said "nobody asked me granny if I wanted a baby brother, and I don't. Can he go back?" It was really funny, but I did feel for her. She now tolerates her brother, but she's adamant that he's nothing to do with her 😂

I think they do all take it differently. My dd1 was nearly 2 when dd2 came along and she was very interested in her, but as a thing. She would often order to me to "put the baby in the basket" so I could give her my undivided attention and she wanted to be able to treat the baby like her own doll and was annoyed that she wasn't allowed to. I'm sure I told people she loved her, but it wasn't the true affectionate relationship they have now, as two people relating to each other.

There's 3.5 years between my two which is a whole different ballgame. Ds did love Dd from the moment we brought her home.

However now they're 6 and just 10 and I'm sure they do love each other but they fight all of the time.

Mine were genuinely thrilled both times. I did have a three year gap though and I agree that's much better.

I'm sorry you had a tough time op but I am going to pull you up where you say it's been 'a bit like grieving' because that isn't true. I have friends whose experience of having a sibling for their dc genuinely involved terrible grief due to still birth and however traumatic the experience for your family it does not compare to that of families who have had to explain that there will be no baby coming home. I don't think it's going to help you have a good perspective on the situation to use that sort of simile.

I think it depends. DD was 2.5 when DS came along and she did/does seem to genuinely adore him. Referring to him as 'her baby' a lot seemed to help get over the few teething problems we had after the initial novelty wore off.

However, the really hard thing was the impact his arrival had on my relationship with DD. I couldn't really cope with two and just wanted someone to take her off my hands so I could snuggle the baby and sit on the sofa breastfeeding and eating chocolate. I would get quite short-tempered with her. It wasn't until I started properly spending some 1-1 time with DD (when DS was about 5 months old) that things between her and I got back on an even keel.

Ds1 was 3 whens ds2 came along and he really did love him and ejoy him untill ds2 turned 4. Then they started hating each other.
Ds1 is now 11 and ds2 8 they fight like cat and dog every 5 seconds. I really think theyd kill each other if i let them.

Kids are all different your not a crap parent at all.

Thanks everyone- do agree that age difference can have a huge impact. DC1 didn't really understand what was happening, which probably made it more of a shock. Thanks for kindness MrsJayy, and good to hear that things can turn around OhCrepe and NorthernPowerHouse! It does seem to be improving so fingers crossed. But it's been emotionally exhausting and I have sometimes felt I've ruined DC1's life.

Sorry Nottalotta and turneeps - not what you want to read right now, but I've been bottling all this up pretending everything is OK for the sake of pregnant-with-their-second friends in RL.

ExH has got scar on his head from where his older brother whacked him on the head with a cup when he was a few months old
Older brother was 2.5 and furiously angry about his arrival and couldn't be left unsupervised in case he tried to take matters into his own hands!

My DS1 was nearly 4 when DS2 was born at home. He made up a lovely song about all the things he was going to show him and do with him. Wind it on a few weeks and he was giving him very hard cuddles and came out with the classic question 'When is the baby going back, Mummy?'. But generally they got on fine.

My sister always said her daughters - much closer together in age - had never had a cross word, but I suspect that's more because they weren't allowed to!

My son was 7 when my daughter was born. He utterly adored her from day one. He came to visit her in hospital and told her that he was her big brother and would always look after her. And he always has.

If anything, he was more attentive than her dad or I was

I was worried it would be the opposite, with it having just been him for so long, but they have been inseperable from the start.

My dd1 loved dd2 from the second she saw her. Just totally adored her. I haven't heard a bad word about the baby or being a big sister. She shares her toys, food and gives her more affection than I've ever seen her give anyone.

I'm hoping they both feel the same about dd3 when she arrives!