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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
Bringbacksummer · 06/02/2017 19:09

Great post Natalie

I tried to make the same point earlier, but not half as articulately. My husband works away a lot. We are not affluent by any stretch of the imagination, but when our children start school, I'm not sure if me working will make sense for us as a family. Our children's emotional needs being looked after is my priority so I'd rather make sure I'm there for them when their dad has to be away for long spells. Money isn't the be all and end all. My children's needs will always come first.

SoupDragon · 06/02/2017 19:10

What do you want to do when you grow up?
I want to clean, exercise and have the flexibility to attend appointments.

Since we are clearly being Goady, how about "I want to raise my children myself and not dump them in full time childcare for someone else to deal with""

  • I don't actually think like this. I couldn't give a shit whether someone is a working parent or one who stays at home. Why would I? Different set ups suit different fmailies and people and you'd have to be spectacularly thick not to get that.
GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 19:11

We could manage on one salary but don't want to,because we value career & working
That's not madness,it's wholly prudent and vocationally satisfying to go job trained for
So yes,we happily work.use summer club,afterschool,because we want to.
Suits us,suits the kids,win-win

NataliaOsipova · 06/02/2017 19:15

*But natalia why is it okay for your DH to say money is more important to him the his DC?

Because no one needs to work a job with that little flexibility and long hours. Especially if huge amounts of capital are already available.*

Obviously he doesn't say that, Haircut, as he's very supportive of my being the person who looks after our children, when I'd have earned many multiples of what we'd have paid a nanny. And it's the job with little flexibility and long hours that means the capital is available (unless, I suppose, you've inherited money, which neither of us has).

Mrsfrumble · 06/02/2017 19:16

Can I ask why some posters are so bothered by SAHMs of school age children? Yes, I know this is AIBU which encourages anger and scorn but when other women staying at home doesn't actually affect you, why the need to be so incredulous and contemptuous? What's with the insistence that others account for every moment of their day to prove it's been spent in a "worthwhile" manner?

I plan to find work outside the home again when DD starts school in September, because we could do with a little more money and I've discovered that as a mildly depressed introvert who could procrastinate for England, I'm not entirely suited to being a SAHM. BUT... I wouldn't judge anyone who made a different choice (or whose circumstances keep them at home. Let's not pretend it's always a choice).

Barbie222 · 06/02/2017 19:17

As pp posters have said it's easy to get into an entrenched position and feel that you couldn't possibly do things another way. Different situations suit different people at different times. I think the main thing for the OP is to be open minded in case your position changes in times to come.

NataliaOsipova · 06/02/2017 19:17

So yes,we happily work.use summer club,afterschool,because we want to.
Suits us,suits the kids,win-win

And we don't want to use the summer club and after school club. And our kids don't want to go. Suits us, suits the kids, win win.

But I'm not commenting negatively on your choice....

elektrawoman · 06/02/2017 19:19

No-one had yet answered my question - honestly when you are working, how do you manage children being sick (one of mine has just been off school for a week), school holidays, INSET days, school meetings, appointments?
Do you have to take the time unpaid?

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 19:19

natalia you said that if you worked you would be effectively saying that money mattered more than them.

I just don't see how that same logic doesn't apply to your DH.

As he surely does not needto work in the job that he does and thus see so little of them.

jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 06/02/2017 19:20

Had this for years.
My youngest is 17.
I shrug it off now with "it's our life choice".
Am very fortunate that hubby can see the huge benefit my being home brings to him, he told me just this weekend that if I wasn't as resourceful and as resiliant as I am he couldn't do his stressful job as well as he does.

If my family needed my income I'd go out to work, Hubby far exceeds what I could earn but we both rather like the flexibility that me being at home allows and I can easily fill my days and be productive.

I've a seasonal job (holiday let) which I adore, I take the dog with me and make a day of it. I play tennis all year round and do long walks with the dog. We've bought and renovated several properties that I've done the donkey work on while hubby was working. Our kitchen, bathroom and en-suite reno I organised myself, dealt with all the contractors.

My husband works away during the week but I'm so used to him travelling the world with work, the reason I gave up the idea of returning to work was cos his schedule was so demanding. We make time for family and each other on weekends and if I can sneak away for a few days up where he works.

What I'm facing now is that my mother isn't very well, I call in to see her every day to make her a hot meal, run her errands, take her to her doctor/hospital appointments, if I was working I have no idea how she'd manage.

Both my kids live with us. One of mine is driving and working the other is learning to drive (I take her out during the week, hubby on weekends) and she's in college.

We might have the opportunity to emigrate due to hubby's work over the coming years, as a family its huge decision. My working outside the home is so insignificant though I'm needed just as much by my family as when my kids were little.

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 19:21

" Most mums feel awful not to be present enough for their children."
That isn't true!
And I'm sucked in..

Specu1ation · 06/02/2017 19:21

Everything is relative. Yes I have a cleaner 3 times a week and 3 school age DC, so some people may wonder what the hell I do all day. I'll be honest, I do have more time to look after myself now they're at school (this wasn't always the case). I cook quite a lot and it's healthy food which DH appreciates. DH and I never bicker over housework or money, but I do know we're very fortunate in that respect. We entertain quite a lot. I run most days, do yoga or ballet - then from 3pm pick up our youngest from school. After that I don't sit down until 11, with dinner, supporting homework, etc. Now I'm waiting in the car for DS to come out of a music lesson. DH is away all week. I never watch TV in the day btw Grin

NoMoreAngstPls · 06/02/2017 19:22

My DH and I made the decision that DCs benefit from time with BOTH parents. So rather than one of us having a big job, where we were regularly travelling and working 12 hour days, whilst the other picked up the slack at home, we BOTH share the responsibility of work and home. This has meant turning down jobs that had too long a commute, not striving for promotions where long hours and travel were required etc.

This means our DCs spend equal time with us (plus the odd afternoon in after school club)., we BOTH have decent careers, average/good salaries.

We would struggle (but could just about cope) on DHs salary, but we could definitely live on mine. But I have little interest in being the sole breadwinner, as I appreciate the equality in our set-up, and don't want the risk of losing my job and what that would mean financially.

Barbie222 · 06/02/2017 19:22

Yes, parental leave is usually unpaid. That time in your life when they are often ill doesn't last forever for most parents - but for some this would obviously be a massive consideration.

NoMoreAngstPls · 06/02/2017 19:26

That being said, I wouldn't half love a term-time only job - must be heavenly!

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 19:26

If i went out to work it would make both our lives much harder and more stressed. I guess everyone makes choices that suits their set up. I don't want an overworked stressed life if I don't have to have one - so I don't.

WizardSally · 06/02/2017 19:26

My kids are in school so we don't need childcare except for the occasional having dinner at a friend's house when they're not doing their after school activities (things they enjoy and which I afford by working).

I do not dump them on others Hmm or expect anyone to raise them for me. They're all driven and want to be all kinds of brilliant things when they grow up. I honestly would feel a hypocrite encouraging this if I didn't work myself when I absolutely could. I'd feel a fool forcing them to do homework or helping with their GCSEs or encouraging university.

I remember being in school and when kids were asked what their parents did, they wouldn't respond stay at home mum/dad, they'd say 'nothing'. They're not exactly going to sit there and list 'well on Monday she/he cleaned two bathrooms and prepared an intricately layered lasagne'. Having my DC think I do nothing and that it is ok to do so is not worth any amount of enjoyment I would get from doing hobbies/interests/seeing friends all day every day.

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 19:28

I am thinking that anyone with such a negative and judgmental view about other people choices cannot have such a fulfilling job if they are so unhappy about other parents' life.

NoMoreAngstPls · 06/02/2017 19:29

My DCs are rarely ill. DH and I have public sector jobs with good holidays (c30). We make small use of holiday clubs. Some non-local family child care ( shipped to grandparents for a week in summer).

NataliaOsipova · 06/02/2017 19:29

Haircut. He does see a lot of them. He's in charge and therefore able to prioritise school plays etc. And, in all fairness, it doesn't require two of us to do the school run! I said we were very affluent, but he's a businessman, not a lottery winner! I've never said I'm all for an ascetic life; it's nice to have money to have a nice lifestyle (and I wouldn't judge anyone else for working to provide that for their kids). As for capital? Look at the level of interest rates. Returns on capital are very, very low these days....

WizardSally · 06/02/2017 19:29

Well I just don't respect the opinion of someone with such a bizarre sense of entitlement who is happy to live off another human being just 'because'.

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 19:31

My kids are in school so we don't need childcare

My dc are in school. I'd still need childcare...Before and after school and school holiday cover.

Do you have a term time job then? Those are like gold dust!

WizardSally · 06/02/2017 19:32

And I still don't see how spending every single day doing hobbies and essentially just pottering about is anywhere near as fulfilling as doing a job that you might not particularly enjoy but it's what the rest of the world have to grin and bear.

What if your other half decides, fuck it, think I fancy doing absolutely nothing all day every day? What then?

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 19:33

I've never felt terrible about the amount of time I give my kids,ever.and never will

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 19:34

We make small use of holiday clubs. Some non-local family child care ( shipped to grandparents for a week in summer)

Well, there you go. Neither of those options are open to me. My dc have no grandparents who could look after them. One of my dc has sn which means holiday clubs aren't suitable.