To be shm after children are at school

[Notthinkingclearly]

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

formerbabe His teacher from his toddler class finishes her shift at 3:30pm and I have DS taken by bus to her daycare which is where my baby is too. Our nanny is an amazing mother, teacher and has the patience of a saint. DD1 finishes at 4:15pm and she walks DS back up to his school (snow or rain she uses a taxi which I have an account with).

When the kids are sick DH or I deal with the issue on the day. Subsequent days, I have back up sitters lined up. Last week I had 6 sitters that I was calling as the baby was sick. DH walked out and went to work (he didn't want to deal with it) and I lucked out with a nanny I know from the park whose family had decided at the last minute to cancel her for the day.

I'm in a network of working mothers. We share our sitters and put our sick kids together. Appointments are a struggle but I aim for 7-9am start times so we are home by 11am.

It's not easy but then working isn't supposed to be. I'm looking at changing jobs to something 40-50 hours but it's mainly because my employer have been abusing me. I was passed over for promotion in December and I've been doing the job I should have been promoted to anyway. Also they have had me split between two clients in opposite directions that haven't been staffed right.

The few SAHMs that I know seem to stress over little things and talk about their children a lot. Work isn't just about earning money it provides so much more than that. If you are lucky, life is long and that is a lot of time to fill. What will you do when your children are teenagers and don't want to talk to you? It also sets an example to them that you have to work hard to get by in life.

The few SAHMs that I know seem to stress over little things and talk about their children a lot. Work isn't just about earning money it provides so much more than that

....but if you talk about your work a lot, then you won't have much in common other than your children, so that's a reason why they might talk about their kids a lot to you. My friend's wife would probably say I talk about my children a lot; equally, I'd say her only two topics of conversation are "great deals she has done" and "new clients she is trying to sign". I'd far rather talk about politics/books I've read/films and plays I've seen - but she isn't interested in that, so it's not where the conversation goes with her, if you see what I mean.

There are many different set ups and types of people. I'll admit, I do get frustrated by the number of women who give up everything so their husbands can achieve more and more, working longer and longer hours- what would happen if you wanted to do that too?

My DH can't do a job which involves travel and long hours because it's not family friendly. And neither can I. We BOTH made sacrifices to have our family. Too often it's only the woman whilst the men carry on as they are.

i am Also scarred by the fact I don't know any men (work or socially) who actually respect the work their SAHWs do- they think they have an easily life and are happy that they (the men) avoid the monotony of mealtimes, bath times, bedtimes etc. It's grim.

I also know women who have made "deals" with their partners that this is fine as long as they are funded to do what they want (educationally, volunteering, travelling, pet projects or whatever) and they're basically content.

I also know many shams who hated working and are over joyed that they don't have to. There is no sacrifice there!
And I know many who regret giving up work everyday but know it's best for THEM.

As I say, lots of different sorts.

(I also find it sad that so many women don't earn enough to cover childcare- you don't hear many men saying this)

As a SAHM of teenagers, I'd be doing a pretty shitty job if I couldn't get them to talk to me!

Former- I know this has come up on and off for 30 pages but I wanted to respond. We have no family help or local friends even, and work FT and always have.

Our situation is different to yours but if you and your DH both worked full time you would make it work too. We have met people Along the way I can PAY to take care of DC in an emergency- their favourite nursery staff/ key workers/ babysitters. If you work FT and have no support you have to FIND a network, and you would've done this too.

You haven't because you stayed at home but that doesn't mean it wouldn't have happened.

Hmmm...I really don't know. I absolutely hate asking people for favours or help, so doubt I'd be able to do that! The thought of 14 weeks worth of suitable childcare to find each year seems impossible.

It's not favours. You pay them

I resisted anything but fully flexible work from home for quite a while, assume by our family couldn't possibly manage anything else what with DH's legal career.

Then an opportunity plopped into my lap. And I assumed couldn't possibly, until DH suggested we try.

And we did. And it worked out.

Well yes but cost of childcare is the issue. If you're in a highly paid job and can get a nanny then great...I'd have no issues with going down that route. However, I wouldn't be in a highly paid job, so I can't see that it makes financial sense for me to pay for childcare and deal with all the stresses that working full time would bring.

"I don't have family support and work FT. It is stressful sometimes but I do it."

I enjoy making my life more stress free if i can, husbands too. Me working full time would make our lives much harder.

"Today 20:12 formerbabe

Well yes but cost of childcare is the issue. If you're in a highly paid job and can get a nanny then great...I'd have no issues with going down that route. However, I wouldn't be in a highly paid job, so I can't see that it makes financial sense for me to pay for childcare and deal with all the stresses that working full time would bring."

And that's what I was saying, it's a shame so many women aren't a me to earn enough to pay for childcare, particularly in the school years, with wrap around care being relatively cheap

The few SAHMs that I know seem to stress over little things and talk about their children a lot. Work isn't just about earning money it provides so much more than that.

Well last night i went to the ballet and today i spent walking around the art gallery and discussing writing for a living, politics, relationships, volunteering.
I dunno, its almost like I have a - what do wohm's need? Oh yeah, a brain! It lets me read and watch the news and engage with people based on shared values and experiences. If only I wasn't wasting it discussing poo and nappies!

It also sets an example to them that you have to work hard to get by in life.
Because only a mom woh can possibly teach that. Not their Dad or Grandparents or their care providers. Not a mom getting up at 7 am and going to bed at 1am to provide them with adequate care. No, she just teaches how to be lazy and stupid

Bam To be clear I'm working almost two jobs which is why I find t stressful. I'm on a conf call right now dealing with an issue which I will have to memorialize tonight once the kids are down. I'm looking at working tomorrow too. All in I'm looking at 70 hours billed this week. Actual work hours are more like 90 as I worked on DHs business too.

Working a 40-50 hour week is much less stressful which is why I'm going to find a job with those hours.

Good care is hard to find but it doesn't always cost a lot. There are lots of camps here that are $1000 a week. I'm paying $600 a week for both my kids and I've got a schedule for the girl (a student) to follow with lots of free activities and play dates.

Yes it's a lot to pay but it's only for 8 weeks, so spread out over the year the cost isn't so bad.

Want2be

Fair pkay to you - you sound like a grafter- hope you get the job you want soon.

I'll admit, I do get frustrated by the number of women who give up everything so their husbands can achieve more and more, working longer and longer hours- what would happen if you wanted to do that too?

The assumption you make here is that working is great and being at home with kids. I would challenge this. Working has its ups and downs. Being a SAHP has its ups and cons. I chose to be the latter. End of story.

Bam Thanks - Being passed over for promotion was what finished it for me. I work incredibly long hours, as do my team. If that hard work isn't recognized I will go where it will be.

Natalia It is great you have chosen that route. I think everyone should have the choice and I choose the stress in exchange for financial freedom. So many women choose to stay home and support their DH only to find he doesn't want to remain married to his DW once he enters his prime/mid-life crisis years.

everyone should have the choice but I'm going to word it sound it sounds like you picked the shit choice!

Teacher recommended not using afterschool as it makes a long day.yes.and?
My dc are at afterschool not up a chimney.its immaterial what a teacher thinks
Fortunately,teachers at my dc school have no such misgivings ,given their kids are at afterschool too

Momma It is a choice. You stop working and become reliant on someone else. It's worked out well for a lot of couples and it's been a terrible decision for some. Go into it knowing what you are agreeing to. I'm a trailing spouse who has their own career. It's very tough to do it but I've chosen to not rely on DH, because quite frankly when I married him he was immature and I had to get him to work with me on a few issues. I stopped working at one point, for six months, and that was enough to tell me that for my marriage not working isn't an option.

Dh is the big earner but I've managed to make my own income which is what plenty of families live off and consider plenty.

Supermum - Well yes, I think you raise an important point in that, in many ways, the level of income may be less important to a woman's decision to become a SAHM, than the level of confidence in their DH's attitude towards finances.

I'll be honest, most of my friends' husbands would be in the highly wealthy bracket, which all sounds great, however, it would be fairly easy for their accountants to hide money overseas or find other loopholes if the DH's were that way inclined. My DH has funds all over the place and it would be complicated, put it that way. Anything can happen yes, but I do know he wouldn't try and financially shaft us because he doesn't have that mentality.

Our finances would be merged anyway even if I was working. We would not have separate bank accounts, so in a sense, my earnings would be swallowed up by his and make very little difference to anything -lifestyle or future security. I could not however, be a SAHM with a man who was weird about money, financially controlling or irresponsible, regardless of his wealth.

The thing with wanting to preserve financial independence is also linked to experiences before marriage.

My dad wasn't financially abusive in the slightest, and he and my mum are happily married. All money was family money and my SAH mum had access to all the joint bank accounts etc. However, she felt that she hadn't earned the money herself, and so she never felt comfortable spending anything on her own needs. That used to upset me as a child. Now, she bitterly regrets not having had her own career. Bizarrely, she even regrets how little tax she paid into the system!

She repeatedly told my sister and me that it was better to maintain our financial independence, and both of us have heeded that.

My dc are at afterschool not up a chimney.its immaterial what a teacher thinks

Immaterial? Really? She's a highly qualified professional with over 20 years of teaching infant children. We may or may not choose to follow her advice based on our own personal circumstances; that is, of course, entirely up to us. But to dismiss her opinion as immaterial, when we have no such professional specialism, would seem arrogant and misguided in the extreme. If teachers' opinions are immaterial, why do you go to parents' evening? Or even send them to that school at all?

Totally agree with Trainspotting . Neither my DH nor I can have a job that involves a v long commute or lots of last minute travel. We both have an equal responsibility to work, to our DCs, to paying the bills. We have sacrificed promotions and new challenges due to this.

It isn't luck that enables us to both work, its long-term planning. Since our DCs were born we have had plans in place for child care, and have pushed our employers for as much flexibility as possible. We have played the long game.

It's worked for us for the most part. The downside is that I have more stress than the SAHMs I know - not only due to lack of time, but also a stressful work environment. But, I am a "busy" person. I don't manage well with lots of free time, and I feel confident that I've made the right choice for me.

I also have a strong belief in fairness and equality, in my relationship and in life more generally, and this whole women sacrificing their life to the family, whilst the man's life remains unchanged, just doesn't sit right with me. And I work with enough men to know that this sacrifice is not always appreciated!