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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
MommaGee · 09/02/2017 23:04

Maybe get him to talk about his pork ;)

Want2bSupermum · 09/02/2017 23:31

No never again shall I hear him talk of his pork. We have 3 kids. That's enough!!!

elektrawoman · 10/02/2017 12:32

No pork talk! Smile
Lilly yes its the same around here - there are some stay at home dads, a few stay at home mums but not many (I am a minority), and also quite a lot of couples where the wife is the big earner and the husband does the part-time 'hobby job' as as anothermoomin so delightfully put it.

One of the main complaints that I hear from my working mum friends (where both partners have career jobs) is how they are still expected to sort out the childcare, all the school stuff, drop everything if the kids are ill, do the shopping etc, even though they are working too, so in that respect yes things are obviously still not equal.

Brokenbiscuit · 10/02/2017 14:01

One of the main complaints that I hear from my working mum friends (where both partners have career jobs) is how they are still expected to sort out the childcare, all the school stuff, drop everything if the kids are ill, do the shopping etc, even though they are working too, so in that respect yes things are obviously still not equal.

I think this is an issue for many working women, and I myself may have moaned about the fact that I do all the coordination in relation to dd's activities, school stuff, parties etc. However, if I'm brutally honest with myself, I like to be in control of all that stuff and wouldn't actually want dh to take it over. Now, you could argue that I want that control because I have been conditioned to view it as my responsibility, but the fact remains that I choose to do it.

I do most of the shopping as well, perhaps for similar reasons. I like being able to choose what we're going to eat.

DH does probably do more cleaning than I do, to be fair!

Writerwannabe83 · 10/02/2017 14:11

I'm quite lucky that DH does all nursery drop offs and pick ups, he does the weekly shop and he cooks about 5 nights out of 7. He probably thinks he's got a really crap wife Grin

Didiplanthis · 10/02/2017 14:40

I work part time ( approx 14 hrs/week ) having dropped from full time full on very highly trained job that was the same as my OH as there was literally no childcare that fitted around our hours and I was struggling with the stress. I have spent a long time trying to come to terms with my new life. I feel guilty all the time and am not sure I am cut out for this ! But I know it works for us and our children. We have the flexibility down the line for me to step up and OH to step down with work if I can sort my stress/anxiety out. We have lost a lot of money in theory but the childcare we need would wipe almost all of it out. So no I do not think you are BU but I totally get how you feel.

Want2bSupermum · 10/02/2017 15:01

I work FT and unless I put a fire under DHs arse I am the one left doing everything. Just this week I had to remind DH that walking out the house leaving me to sort out childcare for our sick baby is not cool. He apologized way too late too, with me pointing out the inequality of him arriving at his desk at 7:58am instead of 7:45am for an 8am start versus me arriving at 10:56am for a 9am start plus having a schedule of 12 hours. As I was late I was playing catch up so ended up working 14 hours.

It's an angle of inequality that most people don't recognize.

Bambambini · 10/02/2017 15:36

Want2b

You still see that kind of inequality a lot unfortunately. One of the reason i was happy not to go back to work is i worried about getting a balance where both partners don't feel resentful of the other.

I never had thought i would have this sort of traditional relationship with me staing home. If my husband wasn't paid so well, loved his job, moved around, worked away a lit, no family around etc - it probably would have been all different.

MakeItStopNeville · 10/02/2017 16:07

This thread is depressing and entertaining in equal measure. As a SAHM of teenagers, I don't apologise at all for our family's choices. It works for us. And I'm perfectly capable of being a positive, pro feminist example to my children, even if I don't earn money outside the home.

formerbabe · 10/02/2017 17:24

These boards are full of women who work full-time and whose husbands still expect them to fulfill the role of a 1950s housewife...Fuck that shit

Alaia5 · 10/02/2017 17:47

Well yes, whether I was at work or not, it would still all fall to me. Even with cleaners coming in, it's the headspace of everything relating to 4 DC, their school stuff, food shopping / cooking etc. I would have been overwhelmed, trying to do it all but feeling like I was failing on all fronts!

GimmeeMoore · 11/02/2017 11:11

Afterschool is the solution to keeping kids happy,safe til we can collect them
We don't forget they need care we make safe and adequate afterschool and summer club provision
No child needs an adult not working,staying at home just in case. That's seeking justification fir not working. Can't work just in case school calls...

Spikeyball · 11/02/2017 11:39

Gimmeemoore, I'm betting you don't have a child with sn. i had to collect mine from school 4 days running on one occasion. As for afterschool or holiday clubs...

formerbabe · 11/02/2017 12:01

Gimmeemoore, I'm betting you don't have a child with sn. i had to collect mine from school 4 days running on one occasion. As for afterschool or holiday clubs

I agree. One of my dc has sn which means holiday clubs wouldn't be suitable. I'd love to hear what some of the posters on here think I should do during school holidays?!

GimmeeMoore · 11/02/2017 12:04

Not sure what your point is spikey?my friend has sn children she has to pick up as reqd.she still work ft.
Likewise if we get the call either me or dp GP get dc if school or club calls

SalmonFajitas · 11/02/2017 12:09

Not sure what your point is spikey?my friend has sn children she has to pick up as reqd.she still work ft.

You are being deliberately dense if you can't work out why this would be a problem. For lots of jobs it would be absolutely impossible to leave four days running to collect children. In many areas there simply are not childcare facilities that can cope with SN children. If they do exist they tend to be incredibly expensive because you need much higher ratios of adults to children - sometimes 1-1. Many children with SN require the care of someone who knows them well and understands their needs; being shunted into an unfamiliar childcare situation would be incredibly traumatic. In this case sometimes the only possible solution is to give up work. In other cases the solution that benefits the children most is for one parent to give up work. The fact that it works for one person you know is totally irrelevant - if you haven't just made her up then she's simply very lucky, it doesn't work for most people.

Alaia5 · 11/02/2017 12:10

Gimme - We do not use after school care because we don't want to. That's about it really.

Spikeyball · 11/02/2017 12:11

I was right then. You don't have children with sn.

Spikeyball · 11/02/2017 12:14

My ds has funding for 2:1 support for respite care because any less isn't safe. At the moment I can't even find two people to do that.

GimmeeMoore · 11/02/2017 12:14

I'm not applying one example globally,but nonetheless it is a direct example I know of
This is not the scenario most parents face,so it can't be globally applied to all parents planning childcare but it is not applicable to majority
I'm not minimising the challenges of safely looking after SN children and adolescents

Want2bSupermum · 11/02/2017 12:15

DS has ASD and I work FT. The issue is that in the U.K. the schools are just not set up for this. DS can stay in aftercare if we want him to and he would have an aide. They would also have a separate room for him. As it is we have him collected and he spends his time at home or in therapy.

This would never happen in the UK. It should happen but no one wants to fund it.

formerbabe · 11/02/2017 12:49

Likewise if we get the call either me or dp GP get dc if school or club calls

So, you have family support then.

Not everyone has that.

Want2bSupermum · 11/02/2017 13:03

I don't have family support and work FT. It is stressful sometimes but I do it.

formerbabe · 11/02/2017 13:05

Want2bSupermum

Don't answer if you don't want to or think it's a nosey question, but, you said your DS is picked up from school? Who does that?

NataliaOsipova · 11/02/2017 14:37

Gimme - We do not use after school care because we don't want to. That's about it really.

Well said Alaia5. At my DD's parents' evening the introductory remarks made reference to the before and after school care available...after which the teacher added the caveat "Please don't use the full day unless you need to. It makes it a very long day for them."