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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
MagicMoments22 · 09/02/2017 20:31

I have a family member who keeps saying this. Every time I suggest looking for PT shift work there is an excuse. I say don't worry about it then - you have a valuable roll as a sahp . Response is she has no money and do doesn't earn enough. Umm then look for work 😒

Round and round we go.

GimmeeMoore · 09/02/2017 20:39

Momma,but this thread is women staying home,bit gym,bit shopping whilst man works
That's what's being described,domestic tasks whilst salaried partner works
So that may well be replicated for your nephew.he work.woman at home

No one darns socks,clothes aren't mended they're thrown out and new purchased

The women darning sock for men is replaced by women undertaking online shopping,domestic tasks and childcare for men.thars the new sock darning equivalent

MommaGee · 09/02/2017 20:50

Clearly a turn of phrase Gimmee not literal expectation of darning. And he has still been raised to know that that isn't necessarily how it will be (it might cos they may choose that or their lifestyle - army wife - might dictate it) but you can teach children things without having to model it. My niece isn't being taught she has tp be a SAHM, my nephew isn't being taught he needs to taken care of by a woman.
My little sister is the only one whose returned to work after a baby. She's the one who had a SAHM most of her childhood. My older sister and I had a fulltime working parent raising us.

It would be interesting to know the statistics on sahm being inherited so to speak, outside of those areas where generational unemployment is the more driving force

NoMoreAngstPls · 09/02/2017 20:53

Do all you SAHMs have DEs who love their jobs? Would you be up for going back to work if your OHs fancied being the SAHP. Or lost their job.

Both DH and I have quite stressful jobs ( mine due to lots of management responsibility, and DEs due to ridiculous office politics!). Both of us appreciate, and take comfort in the fact that if it all gets too much we can jack it all in.
Plus, if either of us was made redundant (not unlikely in the current climate ), we would survive financially.

Alaia5 · 09/02/2017 20:53

Of course there is overt and covert pressure on women. There is also overt and convert pressure on men. My DH has had a certain upbringing that has caused him to internalise that the role of "default provider" is his. My motivations as a SAHM may well be due to the fact that I've internalised the expectations of society and my background. Nevertheless, they are still my motivations. I do believe that my DH has put our children's needs as well as my need to be with them first. You could also argue that I have put his need to define himself through his career first and I couldn't really argue with that. Basically we've just been honest with each other and done what seemed to work best.

MommaGee · 09/02/2017 20:58

Do all you SAHMs have DEs who love their jobs? Would you be up for going back to work if your OHs fancied being the SAHP. Or lost their job
Nope, he doesn't but bills needs must.
I wouldnt because I've done most of the medical care for the last 20 months so it would have to be a balance between his anxiety at work vs my anxiety at going back . if he needed tp quit obvs I'd go back

Alaia5 · 09/02/2017 21:02

But no, he fully admits he couldn't do the SAHD role. He would go crazy. I (fortunately)! find it fine. I've never been bored at all and, despite the mundane stuff, my kids bring out the best in me. I was previously a psychologist. I would hate to have the kind off pressures DH has. I find the financial and corporate world mind-numbing tbh. I would feel trapped and perpetually stressed.

Funnyonion17 · 09/02/2017 21:06

It's nobody elses business. I'm in a similar situation myself. The only judgey people I've encountered are the ones who have DP practically doing everything for them. Those who do juggle work, kids, housework and have childcare costs etc don't tend to judge as they see a real struggle.

Funnyonion17 · 09/02/2017 21:07

dP as in parents.

LolDeLol · 09/02/2017 21:25

Do all you SAHMs have DEs who love their jobs? Would you be up for going back to work if your OHs fancied being the SAHP. Or lost their job

Unfortunately my DH doesn't enjoy his job at all anymore. He used to but now just finds it a hassle. We moved around a lot with his job and we made the decision together that I would be a SAH parent. Even though we joke that I gave up my career for his career I think he has ended up getting the bum deal. It's just how it's worked out. He has never been the least bit resentful but I wish for his sake that it were a little more equal. Luckily he is able to retire early.

I think the ideal would be where both people had a high flying but part-time job. Perhaps a husband and wife job-share would be the dream scenario. 🤔
If my husband had ever been sacked or had wanted to stop work I would have happily returned to work.

NataliaOsipova · 09/02/2017 21:35

I'm not defined by motherhood. And the stultifying women I have met on mat leave and school who all talk in past tense of what they used to do

I'm no more defined by motherhood than you are. Has it never occurred to you that all the "stultifying" women you met talked about work (past tense) because that was all you had to talk about? I too meet people, some of whom are interesting, some of whom are not. I find it has little correlation with their employment status. In fact, frankly, the most tedious people I know are those who can only - and so do only - talk about their jobs.

Reminds me of a fabulous column by the brilliant Lucy Kellaway of the FT. She wrote a problem page. One week featured "I'm a corporate lawyer and I'd like to give up to look after my children, but I'm worried people will find me boring at parties." Her response? "Really. The thing I dread most is sitting next to someone at a party who tells you they're a corporate lawyer."

Anothermoomin · 09/02/2017 21:38

I work with a bloke who is miserable as fuck. His wife works 3 hours a day at a 'hobby job'. He can't change jobs to a less stressful one because she doesn't earn enough. He is 55 and spends 8 hours a day incredibly stressed and miserable.

He won't tell her how miserable he is because he doesn't want to upset her. You better hope he is not your husband. Poor sod.

Want2bSupermum · 09/02/2017 21:42

My DH loves his job. He is very lucky. It's part of the reason he has been able to progress. I warn people to not talk about pork with him. You start that topic and he can go for hours on end about it. He can't help himself. It's his life.

NataliaOsipova · 09/02/2017 21:43

....and my DD went to school with a little girl who cried every time she had to go into after school care when all the parents came to pick up at hometime..... Doesn't add much to the debate, though.

StealthPolarBear · 09/02/2017 21:43

Pork??? Is he a butcher?

Anothermoomin · 09/02/2017 21:53

Natalia the rather obvious difference is that the child had no choice. Adults can make choices. Adults can choose to think about their life partner and act in a way that makes their partner happy.

My friend at work is trying really hard to make his wife happy while she appears to have little consideration for him. Her life is very nice and his mental health is suffering so she can do very little work.

Alaia5 · 09/02/2017 21:57

Moomin - well that's not ideal at all. But it's one person.

LillyGrinter · 09/02/2017 21:59

I must mix in strange circles. I know a few stay at home dads, stay at home mums, couples where the man earns less so the women's career is the most important. I don't think people are bending to any societal norms but doing the best for their families.

NataliaOsipova · 09/02/2017 22:07

Natalia the rather obvious difference is that the child had no choice. Adults can make choices

Agree completely, moomin - but think it proves the point the other way round. That little girl had no choice - your colleague HAS chosen to live his life that way and to conduct his marriage in that fashion. If he doesn't wish to, he can leave, get a new job...or both. His collusion in a situation that makes him unhappy is his choice.

Want2bSupermum · 09/02/2017 22:08

stealth Worse than that.... he works for a slaughterhouse group.

MommaGee · 09/02/2017 22:10

He won't tell her how miserable he is because he doesn't want to upset her. You better hope he is not your husband. Poor sod.
This is indicative of bigger issues in their marriage tbf than just sah/woh. And not mine, mine moans lots but isn't that old

I warn people to not talk about pork with him
Hoping it isn't a typo from porn

Alaia5 · 09/02/2017 22:12

I'd assumed pork was a typo for work Grin

NataliaOsipova · 09/02/2017 22:15

"Can I talk pork to you, baby.....?"

MommaGee · 09/02/2017 22:15

Haha Alaia my brain...

Want2bSupermum · 09/02/2017 22:21

You guys are cracking me up! Yes it's pork not porn, although I think I'd rather hear about porn for hours on end.