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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 08/02/2017 17:02

YAWN at the posters who continually drone on about "working from home". How does a surgeon work from home? Or a supermarket manager? Or a construction worker? Or... or... or...

Not everyone sits in an office.

Sigh.

(But it does remind me of the interesting case I had as a governor of the teacher who asked to work from home Grin )

Alaia5 · 08/02/2017 17:07

I do agree with you DoRe. There is a lot of macho posturing at certain levels - e.g. on the board of DH's main company it's all men with SAHM wives. He is a non-exec director for some other companies as well and again those boards are all men with similar set ups. Also, a lot of "business" is done while doing activities like car racing etc which says it all really.
In the other hand, he does travel overseas on average 2 nights a week (eg he's away Mon-Thu this week), which he doesn't do for fun and I wonder how many women would want to to do this over sustained periods, even if they did have the support at home.

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 08/02/2017 17:10

I am one of these dreadful SAHM figures who has a high flying husband. I believe everyone e has a choice and my choice is to not miss s moment of my previousvhikdtens lives. We did choose to have them after all. In fact I have just come back from volunteering in school this afternoon where I spent 1/2 hr looking after 4 children (one having an asthma attack) who's parents were working and couldn't come to the parent assembly. It confirms to me that the life I have chosen for MY family is the right one as I cannot imagine anything (including financial independence) being worth causing my children to be that upset.

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 17:13

*YAWN at the posters who continually drone on about "working from home". How does a surgeon work from home? Or a supermarket manager? Or a construction worker? Or... or... or...

Not everyone sits in an office.

Sigh.*

Did you mean to be so rude? Obviously I was referring to those who are able to work from home.

I'm a PA. A lot of places wouldn't dream of letting a PA work from home. But it works really well.

There is a huge culture of bums on seats in British office workplaces and it is not helpful, IMO.

Thinnestofthinice · 08/02/2017 17:19

To me you've always got to have a plan B... what if they up and leave one day and you are totally financially reliant? That's the main thing to consider, other than that it is no one else's business.

NoMoreAngstPls · 08/02/2017 17:22

HmmBiscuit well thank GOD you have a high flying husband 8976 Hmm

MommaGee · 08/02/2017 17:23

I believe everyone e has a choice

Not everyone does. I was going back to work then we had a poorly baby. One of us has to be home/hospital full time with him.
Some low income families simply can't afford full-time / wrap around child care.
Some households can't afford to love on one salary.

Ok yes we choose to have a baby but lots of WOHP and SAHP made a choice based on necessity

And if DH died I'd be stuffed and stuck on benefits until DS WS in school but the alternative is what? Only the rich are allowed babies? I worked up until I went into labour with him, we receive assistance as as necessity but he'll be roaaed to know you work for what you need and you accept help when you need

NoMoreAngstPls · 08/02/2017 17:25

And yy to Big Important Job men "networking" at the races/motorsport/rugby.
Love their hearts, working all hours to provide for their families.....
I think they deserve a game of golf on the weekends to wind down....

GimmeeMoore · 08/02/2017 17:31

8976,what exactly are you suggesting?that parents don't work in case a child gets unwell at school?
We both work FT,and if my dc get sick,school can call we will come.maybe not immediately.but we will come
We don't need to give for work just in case something happens at school.

NoMoreAngstPls · 08/02/2017 17:34

What if you didn't have a rich DH 8976 ? What if you needed to get a job to pay the bills? What if you would lose your job if you went to your DCs assembly?

StealthPolarBear · 08/02/2017 17:37

":my choice is to not miss s moment of my previousvhikdtens lives."
Did your husband have a choice?

minifingerz · 08/02/2017 17:37

Gimmeemore, I have three school age children.

If I had a full-time job I would have been sacked by now for taking time off. Since the start of term I have had to attend 14 separate appointments for my dc's during school hours and had 5 days at home with poorly children.

GetAHaircutCarl · 08/02/2017 17:38

But know quite a few SAHDs because lots of people in my industry do it for the love not the money. And it's a male dominated industry.

Since a family can't live on fresh air, the DW works and DH stays home.

But it's usually a very different set up to what is being described here.

For one thing the guy is still working and trying to get breaks in the industry ( albeit flexibly and around the DC) and certainly doesn't see himself as the facilitator of his wife's Terribly Important career, ensuring she need do nothing whatsoever at home be that cooking, hobbies or nurturing relationshipsWink.

GimmeeMoore · 08/02/2017 17:39

Not necessarily,certainly you'd look at unpaid time off,carer leave,and if job suitable work from home

GetAHaircutCarl · 08/02/2017 17:39

To be honest I barely know my previousdehikven's names Grin

LillyGrinter · 08/02/2017 17:43

Sorry didn't understand that last sentence getahaircutcarl

GetAHaircutCarl · 08/02/2017 17:44

mini that sounds tough.

But you're situation is extreme in that all your DC have SN I believe.

Doesn't make it any easier for you of course Sad.

GetAHaircutCarl · 08/02/2017 17:47

lilly a previous poster was going on about how she loved Every Precious Second with her 'previousdehikvten' or summat ( presumably auto correct).

It's just made me giggle.

LillyGrinter · 08/02/2017 17:49

Oh yes I've seen it now😂

GimmeeMoore · 08/02/2017 17:50

Mini you didn't elaborate that your dc have SN. in case of sn children you'd be entitled to take the medical/hospital appt as carer of child in receipt of dla

NoMoreAngstPls · 08/02/2017 17:51

I intend to add a 'nurturing relationships' diary marker into my calendar.
I have a spare 30 minutes on a Thursday evening....d'you think that would do it?

Sallystyle · 08/02/2017 17:53

I cannot imagine anything (including financial independence) being worth causing my children to be that upset.

Since I've been working I have had to miss a few assemblies. It will harm then none. Mind you, I'm not scared of my children being upset at times. It's a normal part of life after all and I'm glad they are resilient enough that I don't have to base my life decisions on fear of them being upset occasionally if I have to miss any assemblies or take a bit longer to pick them up if they are ill.

897654321abcvrufhfgg · 08/02/2017 17:56

My hubbie hasn't always been a high earner. 12 years ago when we BOTH made the decision for me to stay at home he was earning 20% of what he earns now. We literally scraped by using one credit card to pay the minimum payment on another. We did choose to be in that position though so that one of us could always be there for the children. He was ambitious regarding his career and I was ambitious regarding the way we would bring up the children. My career would always have been relatively low paid anyway.

elektrawoman · 08/02/2017 18:13

Gimmee - do you get carers leave if you child is not receiving dla?
One of my DCs has regular medical appointments (two at hospital next month) but the condition is not serious enough for a statement or DLA. So one of the things that worries me about going back to work is whether I would be allowed to go to the appointments. They don't last all day but are often right in the middle of the day, then when you add in time to ferry child there and back to school, doesn't leave much of the day left.

That's why I am wondering if I would be better looking at some sort of flexible work I can do from home but that seems to be the holy grail!!

namechangingagainagain · 08/02/2017 18:18

These threads always sadden me a bit.
In an ideal world a family would make the choice about whether the man or woemn or both would reduce work commitments whilst children are young. And then it would be absolutely no-one else's business.

But Im old enough to have seen women having "supported their husbands career" get to their 50's and realise that either there lives are a bit empty without work ( yep even including lunch dates and volunteering). or there DH gets ill. Or he finds someone younger. And all of a sudden they realise they are screwed socially as well as financially..

Dh and I have both shared the "burden" of children. Both of us have had time when we have taken leave, or worked flexibly or part-time. It hasnt always been easy and there has been a lot of juggling. DH works in a very family unfriendly field and for a time took unpaid leave/ sabbatical. We are a team and try to work together but I would think it crazy if he wanted or expected me to stay at home and keep the house nice and look pretty for him and do or the boring chores ( you know: cleaning/cooking/ childcare!!) whilst he went out and had an exciting and interesting career. Having and looking after children is FUN as well as hard work.... why wouldnt you want to share that with your DH?

Of course no-one is perfect and I'm sure some people pitied our children when we missed sports day or similar. Plus I've got the impression some people think I am jealous because DH doesnt earn megabucks and I HAVE to work. But actuallyit seems to have done my children no harm and they seem to be growing into/ have become pretty cool individuals. There are many skills children of working parents learn: resilience, organisation, independence for example. There is something to be said for having no-one to bring in your PE kit if you forget it.