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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 13:32

Notthinking

I think working mums are a great role model to their children, but no more so than working fathers.
I also don't think you need to work to be a good role model, teach a good work ethic etc.
I think raising children to do their share around the home, doing chores together and encouraging teamwork goes a long way.
after all my years as a sahp I have never witnessed a bad attitude to work from my children.
In fact our youngest now 13 has known what she wanted to do since being 3 years old, has a cv and portfolio having sought out options and opportunities for study, right up to post grad course.
She/they have seen me put them first in everything, not that wohm don't do this. They just have less time in which to do it.
I still manage to do what I did before, now I work pt, but it's easy with no dependants at home now.

LexieB · 08/02/2017 13:34

Its nice to know her thoughts are not the norm amongst Working mums.I have full respect for you all, I am rubbish at multi-tasking!I am sure a lot of us SAHM would like to work if we had better childcare etc. People being happy with their own situations is the most important thing.Happy parent=Happy kids whatever you do!

BoboChic · 08/02/2017 13:42

gillybeanz - I know some appallingly badly managed families with two working parents where the DC have no work ethic or sense of personal responsibility for anything. Being a SAHM is neither here nor there when it comes to modeling a well-managed family life where everyone does their collective bit and no one is exploited or neglected and each person can get on with their life.

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 13:48

Bobo I agree entirely.

I would just like to add that I take my hat off to parents working ft and managing home, kids and relationship with partner.
Mine have mostly left home now/ not dependant for time and energy much now.
However, I can imagine how much would have changed in our household if I'd taken pt work when they were younger. It would certainly have been harder and sacrifices made even with pt work.
So I applaud you all.

piefacerecords · 08/02/2017 13:58

Aw - I love a mumsnet love-in

elektrawoman · 08/02/2017 14:02

Being a SAHM was a joint decision between me and my DH, I know lots of other people manage with both parents WOH and I do admire you. We have no family to rely on for childcare, and where we live most jobs have a long commute. DHs boss was putting pressure on him to make more commitment to the job (more responsibility, less social hours), and it was during the recession so we couldn't afford for him to lose it, and I don't earn nearly as much. It was the choice we made that seemed best at the time. Then its a vicious circle, because the more responsibility DH gets, the more money he earns, which of course you don't say no to when you have a mortgage and DCs; and then there is more pressure on me to take care of everything else and the longer it goes on the less chance of me getting a job. Even though DH says he would absolutely support me whatever choice I make, the industry he works in is not family-friendly and I cannot see a way round that.

I am not saying we couldn't have done it with me working, it was just what seemed most sensible for overall happiness of the family. For other families a different set-up works best.
I have not regretted it up to now, especially since one of the DCs has some health issues, there have been many appointments and I have been able to put a lot of time into getting help (which you don't seem to get unless you push and push for it) and we are making good progress, so I know that was absolutely the right thing to do. However the health issues are not outwardly obvious to everyone so most people probably wouldn't have a clue about it.

However I do admit that being a SAHM it has done absolutely nothing for my self-confidence and reading threads like this make me feel quite rubbish, I am not the most outgoing person anyway, and you start to wonder, is this how people really see me? That they would judge me that way and see me as a lazy scrounger without knowing anything about my life or my choices? It's so depressing and makes me wish I had never started reading the bloody thread in the first place (I had actually hoped it was going to be a practical discussion about being a SAHM with school age kids under it descended into insults).

elektrawoman · 08/02/2017 14:05

Thank you for the last few posters I was really about to ditch this thread as it was making me feel worse and worse, so I appreciate the more supportive comments, I really do

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 14:13

There are all kinds of different set ups depending on the choices we are given and the decisions we make.
Some reasons for working are almost unique and others just plain and simple to put bread on the table.
I work to justify the huge financial government support we are given and the situation we found ourselves in. It came to the point where I thought it was taking the piss not to work.
I neither enjoy nor dislike my work, it's min wage in a call centre, but I wouldn't feel right not doing it.

RhodaBull · 08/02/2017 14:17

Glove punch, Elektra.

Actually, 18-year-old ds was reading this thread over my shoulder earlier, and he said, "I really appreciate that you've always been here after school and in the holidays and when I've been ill." a smug grin at that!

But just so as I don't get too smug, I fear that dd, on the other hand, would rather I was off the premises a bit more...

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 14:29

Rhoda

My older two said what your ds did about being at home after school etc.
However, I can remember on a couple of occasions when they were primary age asking why their friends got to play together at clubs when they came home
Dd otoh believes she left home at 11 and her home is something she comes back to at the end of half term

babybarrister · 08/02/2017 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jayne35 · 08/02/2017 14:47

I don't think anyone should feel guilty about their choices on how to raise their children. Personally I couldn't wait to get back to work so went part time when my youngest was 4. Admittedly I was lucky enough to have a retired parent who had my DCs during school holidays. I also made some friends of other Mums at school and we helped each other out if there were emergencies.

I have been working FT since youngest was about 10 and I know I could not stay at home. I work Mon-fri and do cleaning & washing etc on Saturday. It suits me, I'm far too lazy to stay home - I would be mostly sat on my arse watching daytime tv or Netflix and even less would get done

Bambambini · 08/02/2017 15:06

Babybarrister

Yes, it's something women should think about - i wouldn't advise young women or girls to follow my path. I never thought i'd be walking my path but we all have different situations and choices to make.

If i feel my oh is about to dump me, i'll just have to have him bumped off.

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 15:19

I think life is too short to pick on other people's choices or decisions.
You do what is right and what works for you and your family.
It doesn't matter what others do, it only matters what you do with your own time on earth.
A bit soppy but it's true.
Well, that's me for a while as off to work. If I should happen to call you tonight please be nice.
I don't sell, or ask about accidents or ppi

Astoria7974 · 08/02/2017 15:29

I personally wouldn't, but then I have control and trust issues & could never be comfortable relying on someone else's income. I work full time and raise my kids. We have to be really organised with time but it does work if at least one of you doesn't have a huge commute.

tovelitime · 08/02/2017 15:41

if he dies or leaves you, it's gone

If he dies I'll be more than comfortable the mortgage will be paid off, I'll get a pension for the rest of my life, my kids will get a pension, I'll get 4 times his basic salary as a lump sum which will equate to the best part of 3/4 of a million. I'd rather like to keep him alive but I'm definitely not worried about what will happen to us financially if he dies.

If he leaves, our house has huge equity, there won't be a 50 / 50 split, , more likely at least 70/30. I'll have enough to buy outright even on a 50/50 split, I do work albeit part time so in a worst case scenario I'll work full time and we'll be ok. I also suspect that as he's a very high earner I'd be entitled to spousal maintenance although could take or leave that so long as he paid child maintenance we'd be fine. Given I am in charge of our finances and know our finances to the penny then I am really not concerned.

NoMoreAngstPls · 08/02/2017 16:37

I believe that one of the reasons it is so hard for women to reach senior levels, is because they are competing against men who have SAHWives.

They are unlikely (especially if they are LPs) to ever have the flexibility that someone with a SAHP has. Effectively these men with Big Important Jobs make such a hoo-hah about how important it is to work late (it isn't normally) and how it is key to be able to travel at a moment's notice (bad planning, lack of delegation....), that they make this the norm. Women fail to manage in this system, and then leave the work force so they can actually get to see their family.

Quite simply its bullshit. There is absolutely no reason why many jobs can't be completed between 8 and 5, with a bit less macho posturing, and improved efficiency!

NoMoreAngstPls · 08/02/2017 16:38

And the 1 WOHP and 1 SAHP dynamic encourages this.....

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 16:48

Completely agree NoMore

I also don't understand why more places don't have a work from home culture. I do 3 days in the office and one from home. The day at home means I don't have the stress of a long commute one day a week and am less likely to burn out as a result. Also means I can drop ds off at nursery later and pick him up earlier.

Really don't understand why more places don't have it as an option.

NataliaOsipova · 08/02/2017 16:48

I know at least three very senior women in the City, all of whom have SAHhusbands. There are a couple of SAHDs at school and a mum who is a partner in one of the big accounting firms whose DH has the "second" job (local, part time) so he does the school drop off and picks up from after school care. I don't think you can blame the "one parent at home" dynamic entirely.

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 16:50

Yes but let's be honest there are WAY more sahms than sahds

NataliaOsipova · 08/02/2017 16:52

Really don't understand why more places don't have it as an option.

It's open to abuse. My DH employed a lady who asked for a day to work at home when she came back from maternity leave. He agreed....until it became blatantly obvious that she was using it to look after the baby rather than actually working from home.

I also know of one dad who does exactly the same. I have some sympathy for employers with this. Fair enough in an emergency/ child is off sick, but if you are looking after an under 5 then you are not working. (Not saying you do this DoReMe, but I know it is done.)

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 16:54

No absolutely, when I asked to WFH one day a week my boss said would DS be at home that day and I was . How I'd get any work done while chasing after a one year old is beyond me.

I still think it's a shame more workplaces don't offer it as it really is hugely beneficial to working parents (or anyone really).

allchattedout · 08/02/2017 16:56

If he leaves, our house has huge equity, there won't be a 50 / 50 split, , more likely at least 70/30

Sorry, but the 'at least 70/30 split' is another mumsnet myth. That is NOT the case and nobody should think that the norm is 70/30 splits in favour of the SAHM. It depends on a number of factors. However, I do note that you say that you can buy outright on 50%, so it is not as important in your case. However, others may not be so lucky.

NataliaOsipova · 08/02/2017 16:58

Yes but let's be honest there are WAY more sahms than sahds

There are. Loads more. But there are more SAHDs than there were, so maybe that will gradually change over time.

I do think it is more difficult for dads, actually, just because of some of the cultural norms. There is a lot of pressure on women to breastfeed, which makes a quick return to work and handover to dad bloody tricky. Funnily enough, One of the SAHDs I know said he found it really difficult for the first year just because of this. His wife went back at 3 months - but he felt he couldn't participate in any baby groups because the focus was so much on breastfeeding/talking about breastfeeding and he felt a bit excluded/worried about looking dubious.

I don't want to sound like I'm anti breastfeeding at all, but I do think the focus on it can have unintended negative consequences for women as well as all the positive ones that are often highlighted.

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