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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 08/02/2017 10:40

Being a sahm clearly lessens your debating ability.

If we are going to argue on that basis, your job has clearly done little to improve your ability to make a point without resorting to hyperbole....

piefacerecords · 08/02/2017 10:41

Alaia well yes, it usually does in some form.

It just seems depressing that the default setting is so often that the woman has to make the sacrifices for the sake of her husband's career.

WizardSally · 08/02/2017 10:50

But it is his money - if he dies or leaves you, it's gone. If he decides, fuck it, I'm going to blow it all on some magic beans, then that's his choice and it's gone!

We're clearly talking about sahm to school age dc so why do people keep listing 'spending time with the kids' as what they do with their days? My dc go to school then do after school things like language club, football, piano, stay with friends, whatever they like, and I pick them up when they finish. If I stayed home all day every day I'd see as much of them as I do now.

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 10:56

if he dies or leaves you, it's gone

If he dies I get a large life insurance pay out.

If he leaves me our account is joint so I can withdraw cash and in any case I have savings of my own.

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 10:58

Middleoftheroad

I can answer part of your question except from the splitting up bit.
You carry on doing all the things you enjoy doing.
Life changes and you make other decisions, go in a different direction.
I have one dc left home, the other will be gone in a couple of years, and dd boards.
My life has revolved around my family since ds1 was born 25 years ago, it doesn't mean I haven't had a life at all. In fact, quite the opposite it's been great and I have no regrets whatsoever.
I'm not saying I'm right, but our decisions have been made on what's right for the foreseeable future.
I know I will work pt for the next 6 years at least, then I might retire, who knows.
I'm not suggesting it's an ideal, but it has worked well for our family.

Alaia5 · 08/02/2017 10:58

Wizard -well,obviously he has a will, leaving everything to us. All our assets are in both our names. If he left me we would split everything and I would be absolutely fine financially as would the DC. Anyway, it's not about me. If people are happy with their choices, then what's to worry about?

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 11:02

Wizard

I'm sorry but why is it the mans money? It's not 1950 Shock
Most sahm's I know manage the purse strings and everything is in their names.
In fact my working female friends who divorced were no better off than the sahp's I know of. Both camps had to make huge sacrifices, lose homes, change jobs, etc.

UghUgh · 08/02/2017 11:03

GetAHaircutCarl SmileFlowers

WizardSally · 08/02/2017 11:03

Because he earns it? Check his pay slip, pretty sure it doesn't say 'Family Unit'.

Time4adrink · 08/02/2017 11:04

WizardSally posting at 10.50 a.m on a Wednesday...don't you have work to be doing in your important job?

HTH - you are delightful.

LexieB · 08/02/2017 11:05

surely if he dies you get the life insurance............................. All our kids whether parents works or stays at home are lucky. Its not like they are living in the slums. I have worked & am now a SAHM as husband works really long hours. I found it really overwhelming working trying to get3 kids to school as started my job at 7.30am & finished at 6.45pm. Only on month 2 or staying at home & loving it! I am happy, that should be enough. Wizard You are happy that's great for you. Maybe you are just some sort of superwoman who can do everything!! I totally couldn't! Don't think its being lazy though. I have 3 DC all at school age but I like being able to drop them off at school, have their mates for tea & be here when they get back.What hours of work do you have Wizard? maybe you are lucky to have a 9pm-3pm job? maybe if you told us a little more it would not make others feel so crap. Really don't feel the need to criticise others!! If people are happy that's the main thing. Many of the points people have made are true, when kids leave home etc what will we do but it will be much easier to get a job, might not be something amazing, like your job Wizard but I will make the best of it. Yes maybe I could have had the most amazing career but hubby was earning & doing a lot better than me & has a really good opportunity at the moment so he wants support to go for that. Maybe if it works out for him I can then have my time. I encourage my kids to dream big & just do what makes them happy & to be considerate & have empathy for others. I doubt they will particular remember I was at home!! but would hope they remember they have a lovely childhood, as will everyone kids I am sure because at the end of the day we all care. I don't think people need to say awful things to each other, kindness goes a long way & surely there is no right or wrong!!!an argument that cannot be one. Why won't you tell us more about your situation Wizard?

LunaLoveg00d · 08/02/2017 11:06

if he dies or leaves you, it's gone

If DH dies I'm rolling in it - mortgage paid off, whopping great in-service lump payment (think around £250k) and an annual pension. I'd be considerably better off than we are now. Everything we have is in joint accounts anyway, except things like pension savings.

Wizard doesn't want to listen to what SAHMs whose kids are at school do anyway - she's decided that we sit around talking about bathroom cleaning. Hmm

randomsabreuse · 08/02/2017 11:07

From my perspective as a SAHM of a toddler the KS1 years are the most difficult time to be a working parent, wrap around care is more complicated and shorter hours than just being in nursery (or non-existent...), exposure to bugs is more and the days are more demanding leading to more unpredictable time off. Hardly a good time to re-establish a career!

I'm trying to build up a portfolio career that will allow me to be there when necessary without mega stress every time DC are ill and facilitate after school activities chosen by me rather than what is available in the school. Yep I'm a musical and sports coach snob, sorry!

There is also the minor detail of the school holidays - 8 weeks of adult holiday doesn't cover it, kids clubs are limited hours compared with most nurseries and cost £££ or risk being limited for the older kids.

Having a nanny is not cheap - hence we need to improve the life insurance cover on me after scaring ourselves costing out the essential parts of what I do.

LexieB · 08/02/2017 11:09

Just off out for a really nice walk after doing the ironing!!can't wait to read the replies when I get back!!

Alaia5 · 08/02/2017 11:09

"Check his pay slip" Confused
He is self-employed Wizard. Really it's fine.

WizardSally · 08/02/2017 11:11

Wizard doesn't want to listen to what SAHMs whose kids are at school do anyway - she's decided that we sit around talking about bathroom cleaning.

... and calculating how much you'll get if your partner dies. Delightful.

Yes Shock I am able to mumsnet whilst holding down a job and managing a home with school age DC Shock I must be a troll with no job or dc or some kind of alien freak that can time travel. Believe it or not, I can actually think about what's for dinner and what we'll be doing this weekend whilst at work too, who'd have thunk it? Must be magic!

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 11:11

Wizard is just a GF.

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 11:12

and calculating how much you'll get if your partner dies. Delightful

Yes in answer to your saying if he dies we wouldn't get anything Confused

I think you just don't like your arguments called out as bollocks.

randomsabreuse · 08/02/2017 11:12

If DH dies we've got substantial life insurance - I'd be able to afford live in childcare to allow me to work, plus house would be paid off. DH also has income protection set up when he was young enough for it to be affordable. Our family unit would be worse off financially if I were the one dead or fully incapacitated!

LunaLoveg00d · 08/02/2017 11:15

I don't calculate how much I get if he dies - he tells me whenever he gets a pension statement and jokes that I better not shove him down the stairs.

Anyway Wizard you are officially a goady fucker who has nothing better to do than sneer at other people's family set-ups. Not going to stoop to your very low level.

WizardSally · 08/02/2017 11:15

*and calculating how much you'll get if your partner dies. Delightful

Yes in answer to your saying if he dies we wouldn't get anything*

The difference being I'd never have to think about that. I wouldn't have had dc if I couldn't provide for them on my own without the financial backing of another human or on the back of another human's death.

Likewise, my DH wouldn't have had dc if he couldn't afford them on his own either.

LexieB · 08/02/2017 11:16

What are your hours?just really interested.Not sure why you won't reveal that!! I know its vain but seen giving up work I only know have time to exercise & go to the gym (was getting slightly chunky at work eating biscuits!!!). No way I could have gone in evenings as no one here to have kids & weekends are taking up as DD dances 6 times a week! lots of driving every afternoon in this house. I feel much better about myself now!! I am sure my house was more of a mess when I was at work & I felt sooooooooooo frazzled!! why don't you just tell us the facts rather than being cagey!!

gillybeanz · 08/02/2017 11:18

I find it sad that some people have to put others down to make themselves feel better.
I'm glad that's not my life.

wizard
Nobody is calculating how much they'll get if their partner dies or leaves them.
You asked a question and people answered. I do hope your job doesn't include using your imagination, having an open mind, because if it does, you're fucked my love.
Fast food service might be a good move for you as you already have a huge chip.

DoReMeFaBlaBla · 08/02/2017 11:19

I wouldn't have had dc if I couldn't provide for them on my own without the financial backing of another human or on the back of another human's death.

I can Confused

Time4adrink · 08/02/2017 11:21

Gosh WizardSally I want to know what your job is! I'd consider going back to work if it involved being paid to sit on MN and berate SAHMs all morning. (Are you a DM journo?) Aren't you lucky?

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