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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
Specu1ation · 06/02/2017 21:30

I was, sorry - not U!

lizzieoak · 06/02/2017 21:32

Rainbows, surely the point of getting an education is to ... bed educated. And when I was a SAHM I certainly was passing on my knowledge (and about the value of things) to my kids. It's like a stay at home mum or dad is just a grunting Jabba the Hut thing, parents will help educate and form their kids' characters.

wifework · 06/02/2017 21:35

These threads are always so fucking depressing I could only be arsed to read to page 8. So I'll say what I always say and my very greatest apologies if it's repeating something.

WOHPs always say 'I do exactly the same as SAHPs and work full time at the same time' well - no, you don't. If you pay anyone to look after your kids or cook for your kids or take your kids somewhere, or if you get a family member to do that for free, NO YOU DON'T. No judgement about which is better - I don't give a fuck who does what. Just don't say both parents can work full time AND do the same job as a SAHP, because they just practically can't. Physically impossible (or they have the best and most flexible job ever).

I'm not even going to start on all the free childcare and fun provided by the PTA...

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 21:35

These high earning men don't need a partner for dinner,domestic tasks,ironed shirts
They can purchase it.externally.or do the tasks themselves.
A partner at home doesn't enhance ones employment skills or abilities
A partner at home can absolve the worker from childcare/domestic tasks

gillybeanz · 06/02/2017 21:37

Gosh, I've had hobbies that I've had since childhood that I won't have exhausted, even though I've been doing them for well over 30 years.

I enjoy my pt job atm, I loved being a sahm too and was never bored.
There's a whole world to explore. How on earth could anybody need a job not to be bored Confused.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 21:38

And I'll say being a housewife isn't a job.its a set of tasks undertaken in own time
I undertake those tasks,evening and weekend.in addition to working ft
Being at home doing gym,coffee,pta isn't a job it's stringing out tasks

wifework · 06/02/2017 21:41

GimmeeMoore - and?

NataliaOsipova · 06/02/2017 21:44

I undertake those tasks,evening and weekend.

Good for you. That's when DH and I are having fun with our children.

Specu1ation · 06/02/2017 21:46

In RL I can honestly say I've never had any comments whatsoever about my not working outside the home. That's in 15 years. At my DC's school the mums are all there at 3pm and I'd say 90 per cent are SAHMs. DH and I never discussed it either come to think of it. He never asked me when / if I was going back to work. We've both been too busy.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 21:46

And I've explained my point adequately. Listing tasks undertaken,isn't equal to working
We all undertake parental tasks,just at different times.
On these threads people stretch tasks out.i undertake them evening and weekend

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 21:48

"And I'll say being a housewife isn't a job.its a set of tasks undertaken in own time
I undertake those tasks,evening and weekend.in addition to working ft
Being at home doing gym,coffee,pta isn't a job it's stringing out tasks"

Well i never said it was a job though being a housekeeper or maid is a job - but i don't put in the hours cleaning etc that they do. Saying that, they arent available 24/7 like i usually am.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 21:51

You're not working 24-7.you have whole swathe of time when kids in school

wifework · 06/02/2017 21:53

Clearly you haven't explained your point adequately since I don't know what it was other than list of tasks which you do at the weekend. Well done. You pay vast amounts for childcare - I really hope you don't have the same attitude towards the people whom you pay to look after your kids as you do to those who choose to look after their own. Are their childcare activities valid ones then?

Having a 'job' - being an economic unit - does not make one a greater person than someone who doesn't.

allotmentgirl82 · 06/02/2017 21:53

You don't sound lazy or spoilt to me. You work hard to look after and support your children and DH.
I am a SAHM with 3 children at school. My eldest is 14 and has disabilities, he only attends school part-time 2-5pm. My middle one is 12 and also attends part-time 9-1pm. My youngest is 4 and started school in September.
I am forever going to appointments at the Dr's, hospital, school, parenting classes etc in order to give my kids the best help i can. I don't have time (or headspace) for a job atm. I did have a toyshop but had to close it in order to help the kids. My husband works bloody hard to pay the bills, but sometimes \i do feel like i'm not doing enough

CookieDoughKid · 06/02/2017 21:54

I loved being a sahm mum and I was always busy at home. I took 2 years out of work and my dcs are 6 and 8. Hubby in Paris away from home mon to fri so not easy at all.

I have recently gone back to work purely for financial reasons as I realised that we didn't have pensions good enough to support an extra 30 years of no working from age 60. At this rate, we could easily live till our 90s (yes I know we could get hit by a bus tomorrow ) but frankly, my projected pension forcast was something like £12k a year even though I have something like £180,000 in my pension pot today. I don't want to struggle when I'm in retirement. It really scared me even though dh earns well ....it isn't going to be like that forever. His dad age 70 is forced to work and he really wishes he didn't have to work so hard physically in a labour job.

I have gone back to work and earning close to 6 future salary and I'm extremely lucky to be able to do that. I may not have considered working again unless the money was so good, too good to turn down. I think not enough is spoken about - poverty and struggles by people in retirement as our generation is so much different to the previous.

It's not easy whatever one does. Just be fully aware the consequences and have a back up plan like life insurance and critical illness just in case.

Turkeyneck · 06/02/2017 21:55

THANK YOU OP for the time you give voluntarily to support our schools and to provide services for our children and funding for the school through the PTA. And as an employer thank you for taking into consideration how often you would need time off work for your kids' appointments. And I'm sure your relative would be very stuck without you providing childcare one day a week. When will we learn to value the support women like you provide to society, to our schools, to their extended families? Your kids need you 6 or 7 hours outside of the school day, every day. And for the 14 weeks of school holidays people always seem to forget about. Your children will benefit, as will others.

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 21:56

You're not working 24-7.you have whole swathe of time when kids in school

that does grate on you, doesn't it? You might want to find a new career if the idea of people living the life they chose is making you so upset.

HolyFools · 06/02/2017 21:57

I'm not even going to start on all the free childcare and fun provided by the PTA...

You mean the PTA that I run at e endings and weekends when I'm not at work, or which I take time off work to help out with? Bloody arrogant to assume that working parents don't help out. Trying to justify yourself with untruths is sad

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 21:58

It's not a grate of any sort,it's a factual statement.school starts 830, and end 4
And if one doesn't work,the hours of 830 -4pm are a swathe of available time

wifework · 06/02/2017 21:59

Wow you run the PTA during the evenings and weekends? What an unusual PTA. But of course I am very admiring of you. Obviously all my evidence would be anecdotal but it would very much show a different story from yours.

elektrawoman · 06/02/2017 21:59

Poundingthestreets - thank you for your post, I was feeling a bit crap until I read that. This thread is depressing.

I know it's no-one else's business what I do, but it's quite enlightening to know how much SAHMs are judged and looked down on. Cheers everyone. This explains an awful lot about why some of the working mums at school talk to me like they do (without knowing anything about my education, the jobs I did before I had children, how I supported DH when he was studying etc). I am a SAHM therefore can't be worth having a decent conversation with, I guess.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 22:00

PTA?i delete their emails, ignore their hectoring demands for stall helpers.

HolyFools · 06/02/2017 22:01

Why so sceptical? Yes, we have meetings in the evenings, most events are at weekends. Emails, accounts, organising rotas can be done any time.
We can't rely on the SAHP, they can't be bothered to help, too busy with yoga or gossiping

wifework · 06/02/2017 22:02

Don't suppose your kids take advantage of the money they raise either eh? I expect you ask which activities it pays for just so they can definitely avoid 'em.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 22:03

Our PTA has mixed mode meetings,evenings,weekends.some day stuff