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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 06/02/2017 20:58

GimmeeMoore

It was a retort to the congratulations on bagging a fat salaried man comment not what I actually think!

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 20:59

Of course these always stuff to do,gym,pta,and it's all pottering.filling idle time

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 21:02

Ahh,thanks for clarification formerbabe

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 21:05

Why wouldn't you want a fat salaried man?

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 21:05

Dh and I will have three

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 21:08

Are fat-salaried women equally sought after?

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 21:11

Ha - i don't think the fat salaried comment was said with the best intentions - or maybe it was.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 06/02/2017 21:11

It would be quite funny to see the reaction on all the SAHMs if the man sad he didn't want to be parted from his children and fancied school days free to exercise etc Grin

LMAO at the thought of you can't work and clean a house or need to not work just in case a child is sick. The workforce would come to a halt if everyone thought like that.

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 21:12

Surely it needs a hyphen else a 20st man on a salary of £12,000 would fit the bill.

bunnylove99 · 06/02/2017 21:13

I'm sorry. I haven't meant to offend anyone. It's just been a great thread as I personally feel I have felt/lived all sides of this and it's been uber interesting hearing all views. I have been the lasagne baking SAHM and I am about to become the FT juggling it all (and likely failing at it all!). My husband has a good salary and I was working PT. However, I was but being passed over for promotion due to my PT status and starting to feel bitter and twisted about it.. Sorry to bore with all my details but it's just been a good thread for me....

Mrsfrumble · 06/02/2017 21:13

Grin SPB

WizardSally · 06/02/2017 21:14

Not worried about retiring, I look forward to it as I will have earned it. There'll be plenty to do as I won't have exhausted the hobbies/interests for 30 years already.

If my DC wanted to stay home and live off another human for no reason other than they can't be arsed to work, I would of course be baffled and disappointed. What is the difference in someone saying they can't be bothered to work so will just claim benefits instead? Confused

Yes we use my son's friend's mother as childcare for some mornings/afternoons during half terms. No we don't need childcare during school terms.

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 21:15

RainbowsAndUnicorn wow, so you ARE jealous. That explains the bitterness.

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 21:16

Just to clarify that I'm the reluctant lasagne baker and have never been a sahm

bunnylove99 · 06/02/2017 21:17

Good point polar....fat-salaried man...lol...I've let grammar slip in the excitement of posting!

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 21:17

If course you can work and clean a house - lots of people do. It's just that me and my fat salaried man don't want or have to do both. Vive la difference!

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 21:20

Good for you Wizard - you are very contradictory. Enjoy your retirement - when it comes.

ghostyslovesheets · 06/02/2017 21:22

I have no one to 'palm my kids off' to - no family near by and my friends all work - it's down to me and my ex - we try and take turns - I use leave to cover hospital apts - still work FT and my house is clean

LunaLoveg00d · 06/02/2017 21:22

And of course there is the argument that the salary would not have become fat had the person concerned had to turn down overnight trips, visits overseas, evenings out with clients or had to leave important meetings at short notice to collect a vomiting child from school.

DH wasn't fat-salaried when we got together, he was a student earning nothing. He's only been able to get the fat-salary because we decided as a couple that he should seize opportunities (like working in China for 6 months)and that in order to enable him to do that, I'd stop working outside the home, do some freelance work and manage the kids/house stuff.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 06/02/2017 21:25

Jealous that im not an unemployed person who fancies not working whilst leaving myself at the financial mercy of another person, I don't think so. You couldn't be further from the truth.

Like Wizard, if my children thought it ok to not work I'd be disappointed in them. Little point in education, teaching them the value of things etc if they don't work and let someone else pay.

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 21:26

Yes, my oh was only a slightly chubby salaried man when i met him. He was lucky i took him on, tbh.

lizzieoak · 06/02/2017 21:26

But Rainbows, there are stay at home dad's! The wives make more, the family feels it works for them to have one parent at home, and sometimes it's the dad. Or other dad if two of those, or other mum of two of those.

And Wizard, don't most people go through a few hobbies in a lifetime? I don't see as much as I used to - partly time, partly I'm not as into it. But unless books stop being written, I could never get bored (unless I'm at work, where most of my jobs have had finite amounts to learn).

I miss my son (& missed both kids when both were still at school, one is grown up but I miss her differently as I am not as needed) when I'm at work and he's off school. I feel I should be there, or at have the choice. Very, very few jobs give you that discretion. It's the most important job in my life and if my attention is divided ... For me that doesn't sit well, but it's economically necessary. I grant that some parents and kids have thicker skins.

lizzieoak · 06/02/2017 21:27

Damon, why can't we edit! That should have said "sew as much", not "see as much": not blind yet.

bunnylove99 · 06/02/2017 21:29

Luna. Exactly, the dynamics of marriage are so complex. My DH was a penniless student when we got together and there have been times I supported him towards his comfortable salary. Now I'm going to try and have a stab at a career myself...thousands of women make these sacrifices, but none of us need be cast in the same dye forever.

Specu1ation · 06/02/2017 21:30

gilly - exactly! I'm essentially the same person as a SAHM as U was when I was working. Working out the home has positives and negatives but I certainly never defined myself by it.

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