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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shm after children are at school

921 replies

Notthinkingclearly · 05/02/2017 17:45

I have 2 dc who are 6 and 9. Since my first child was born i have been a stay at home mum. My DH works away alot abroad so I am often on my own. My Dc's have not been the most robust and have both had quite a few weeks off school with legitimate reasons over the last few years with hospital appointments. I have felt that if I had been at work I would have been a rubbish employee. I seem to be really busy all the time but feel I am constantly justifying to everyone why I don't have a job. I look after a relations 2 year old one day a week, help in school one day a week and I am a member of the schools PTA. I don't go out apart from supermarket or a walk during the week and only ever sit down to eat my lunch during the day. Am I as spoilt and lazy as I am made to feel?

OP posts:
mugglebumthesecond · 06/02/2017 20:18

Ffs

Can't we just accept that sahms need to get a job and working parents need to spend more time with their kidsSmile

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 20:21

my work is my main interest, my hobby. People find that pathetic but never mind.

I don't find that pathetic, it's what most of us would dream of. Make a living of your hobby or your interests. I know a few people with fascinating careers who truly love what they do, I admire them (and am a tad jealous).

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 20:22

easy: work from home, mother in law, sil, SAH friends for the odd days

That's easy for YOU. In my previous job, working from home wasn't an option. I don't have any family who could look after my dc...All my friends work. Why is it so hard to understand we don't all have armies of friends and family on standby to facilitate us working?!

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 20:23

Thank you mambo. I thought you were going to tick me off for not having the dc in that list :)

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 20:24

Muggleswick that's exactly it and everyone is letting the side down majorly, somehow.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 20:25

former no one has said they don't understand that, have they?

But posters were asked specifically how they managed.

lalalalyra · 06/02/2017 20:26

my work is my main interest, my hobby. People find that pathetic but never mind.

I don't find that pathetic at all. If my hobby paid then I'd probably work - why wouldn't I fancy getting paid for doing something that I enjoyed? That's a very different kettle of fish to walking away from a job/career that you've got fed up of and grew to hate.

If running the playscheme/afterschool club was a paid job I'd do it. Here it's not, it's voluntary so I do it voluntary.

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 20:27

Well I do see a certain irony in posters saying they ask their sahm friends for childcare favours!

mambono5 · 06/02/2017 20:27

formerbabe

Sorry, I was being sarcastic. It's only easy because of family support and because there are 2 of us. I meant that it's diabolical and can only work with a lot of money which I don't have and/or a big support group.

I hear a lot about 9 to 5 jobs, I have never found one. Working means leaving hours before the kids start schools, and coming home hours after they finish. It's impossible on your own. Even my teacher friends have help, they start too early or finish too late for their kids - but at least they have the holidays off.

Sallystyle · 06/02/2017 20:30

Are there any SAHMs of school agedcDCs who don't have lovely clean houses and who don't cook every day to provide nutritious meals?

I was a SAHM for school aged children for years. My house was never lovely and clean and I did cook nice meals but not all the time. I spent hours on MN. I still do though to be fair.

I was a lazy SAHM. I miss it. It's a funny feeling because I like working in some ways, I am glad I work after the shift but before my shift and during I wish I was a SAHM again.

Bambambini · 06/02/2017 20:30

stealth -

that sounds great. If you work - it's great if you enjoy it and have a passion for it.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 20:31

I made my hobby my job.

I mean it's morphed massively and is moneyterised, but it's still essentially the same skill.

PoundingTheStreets · 06/02/2017 20:33

I have always been a WOHP and only took 6 weeks off for my DC. I would never be a SAHP because (a) I would hate it and (b) for my own reasons I could never make myself that dependent on another human being whose integrity you can never know 100%.

All that said, IMO the only thing 'wrong' with being a SAHP is the fact that society doesn't value it. It should be sewn up legally that the SAHP's sacrifice is recognised and financially protected, regardless of whether the parents are married. Claims on pensions etc should be automatic and spousal maintenance should be the norm for a few years after separation when children are young and the SAHP (who will take on the brunt of childcare related responsibility) is making an ongoing sacrifice of earning potential and pension/savings contributions. Non-payment of maintenance should be dealt with immediately by being paid for in the same way as taxation, cutting down on avoidance and reducing child poverty.

When the WOHP/SAHP model works, it works really well. My DSis is a SAHM now returning to the workplace after 14 years out. She has been a phenomenal mother, and TBH it would have been nigh on impossible for her to have held down a job as both of her children had special needs requiring regular hospital appointments, etc. Her DH is a lovely man who truly valued what she does and they have made a lovely family. He has taken steps to ensure she is protected if anything happens to him. None of that alters the fact that if they were to separate, she would never be able to achieve the same standard of living because of the hit to her career over the last 14 years.

What my DSis has also been is an invaluable source of free labour to the local school and wider community. Mothers of young children are the biggest volunteering group in our society. If all SAHPs went back to work tomorrow, so many people would notice a difference. They really are a backbone to our communities in ways people don't imagine. Sadly, neither is this recognised and valued by either society or our governments.

You don't have to justify yourself to anyone OP. If you're happy it's no one else's business. I'd just urge you (if you haven't already) to make sure you've done everything to safeguard your longer term financial future in the event of your DH dying or leaving.

Writerwannabe83 · 06/02/2017 20:35

Even my teacher friends have help, they start too early or finish too late for their kids - but at least they have the holidays off.

I agree with this. My DH is a teacher and the school holidays are really e only times, outside the weekends, where he gets to spend quality time with DS and experience what 24/7 parenting involves.

He sees DS about 20 minutes before he goes to work and then sees him for about 1.5 hours when he gets home before DS goes to bed - though I imagine this is still more time than some fathers get.

My DH feels sad about the fact that he doesn't see much of DS in the week.

Prior to having DS I worked 9-5 four days a week but I changed job at the end of my maternity as I didn't want to be away from DS four days a week.

Every family has different options available to them and all we can do is the best we can. I imagine a lot of families aren't completely happy with how their work/children balance is but not everyone has the financial freedom or opportunities to change things.

For every woman who loves being a SAHM there's probably one who hates it but has no other choice. The same for working mothers.

Like I said, not everyone has the luxury of choice which is why we should be more understanding of people's individual set-up and stop being judgemental of how other families function.

bunnylove99 · 06/02/2017 20:48

I've loved this thread! Can empathise with both sides. There is a lot to admire about FT working mums who are keeping it all together, being good role models for their kids and know they have the dignity of work.....the devil makes work for idle hands indeed....On the other hand, well done to all those who've managed to bag a big fat-salaried husband and do not have to work at all....what a fab thread.

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 20:48

I'm not away from my kids.I'm at work.we are all emotionally attached & secure
I don't feel absent.i don't feel sad.neither does my dp.im proud I work,I'm a good role model
There's a societal presumption of maternal sadness/guilt at working.ive never felt it

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 20:49

Bunny please say that's a joke

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 20:51

Bunnylove I presume your joking.Congratulating women on bagging a fatsalaried man

formerbabe · 06/02/2017 20:53

There is a lot to admire about FT working mums who are keeping it all together, being good role models for their kids and know they have the dignity of work.....the devil makes work for idle hands indeed....On the other hand, well done to all those who've managed to bag a big fat-salaried husband and do not have to work at all....what a fab thread

Brilliant...Let me just say well done to the working mums who palm their kids off to grandparents/relatives/sahm friends so they can work.

That's pretty offensive huh?

LunaLoveg00d · 06/02/2017 20:54

when our children start school, I'm not sure if me working will make sense for us as a family. Our children's emotional needs being looked after is my priority so I'd rather make sure I'm there for them when their dad has to be away for long spells.

Yes we made similar decisions. We have no family closer than 90 minutes away so when we had kids we didn't have aunts, grans or cousins to help. When it came to the end of my first maternity leave we had a perfect storm of events - my employer went bankrupt so I couldn't have gone back if I'd wanted to, DH got a new job with a management consultancy on short term projects - one week he'd be in Aberdeen, Bristol the next and Manchester the week after that. We also decided we were moving from one end of the country to the other. That was almost 14 years ago and since then I've been at home with 3 kids. I do a bit of work for myself from home, averaging a couple of hours a day.

As for the bitchy comments about "living off" another human being, that's not how it is. We;re a family unit. Everyone contributes different stuff. I do the kids and house stuff, he does the salary stuff. I'm not "living off" his money any more than he's "living off" the free childcare I'm providing him.

I also think asking for a breakdown of the day is totally unrealistic - no two days are the same. This week I will probably be at the gym or out for walk 3 times, 2 x 4 hour shifts in a charity shop, couple of hours work a day on average, food prep, supervising homework, chauffeur duties, out for lunch once and coffee once, daughter is going on a school trip and i'm a parent helper one afternoon.

There is always LOTS to do - as my mum used to say only boring people are bored. So much community stuff to get involved with.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 20:56

What about us mums who bagged a daddy big bucks and work!

High five to us, eh?

StealthPolarBear · 06/02/2017 20:56

Former I don't think she meant to be spiteful, which makes it all the stranger. ..

GimmeeMoore · 06/02/2017 20:56

I've never palmed my kids off,I pay a huge amount for childcare.
pricey,yes.palming,no

gillybeanz · 06/02/2017 20:57

I'm working pt now, was a sahm for 25 years.
I can't say it makes much difference to me at all.
If you are completely satisfied in life then you can't ask for more whether sahp or wohp.

bunnylove99 · 06/02/2017 20:57

Well, I hoped my thread might lighten the mood....Smile

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